By Ben Pensant.

As my army of two readers will know, this is my first blog in three weeks and in that time much speculation on my whereabouts has swept through social media, most of it planted by the Zionist lobby. So a quick clarification, because frankly I’ve had enough of repeatedly explaining this to the one person who asked me about it. So just for you, Mam:

1. Contrary to online gossip, I’ve actually spent the last fortnight at an anti-fracking demo in Wrexham or somewhere. The fact that there are no reports of this demo taking place tells you everything you need to know about the media’s attempts to silence me.
2. The fake news story splashed all over page 28 of the Northumberland News Post Leader claiming I was doing a two-week stretch for benefit fraud is utter nonsense. To suggest I was spotted performing Now, Always & Forever by Gay Dad at a Karaoke bar in Blyth while claiming incapacity for injuries sustained while watching Hollyoaks is horse-shit. Everyone knows my favourite GD track is To Here With love.
3. Though as a white male, if I did end up in court for fiddling it would be all I deserve for being a white male. And as the person recently released from jail who isn’t me no doubt said to the judge before he wasn’t sent down for a crime that didn’t happen: Go, white privilege! Because be honest, there’s little chance of a straight white male being treated as severely as a black dwarf, a gay lesbian or a 6 year-old Syrian refugee with an African accent and more facial hair than Brian Blessed.
4. I don’t even like Gay Dad.
5. Or Hollyoaks.

Happy now? Because this just shows, it’s not just the way society treats white males that needs changing; it’s the white males. Chiefly how they think. And act. And talk. Basically everything about them, in particular the way their very white maleness is offensive to every ethnic minority and blue haired feminist on the planet.

Not that we asked any of these minorities what they think. Or that we care. Because their worth is dependent entirely on their skin colour, not irrelevancies like what they think. Thankfully those dark days when the left embraced Martin Luther King’s dangerous words about judging people ‘by the content of their character’ disappeared long ago. How can identity politics possibly thrive when people reject the truth that identity is everything?

Inevitably, some racist Islamophobe will pipe up that much opposition to identity politics comes from voices within those communities too. This piss-weak argument is effortlessly batted way though, as it was recently by The New Statesman’s Helen Lewis, who took to Twitter to shut down the debate by claiming the only people who ever argue against identity politics are white men, deliberately ignoring white men like Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Maajid Nawaz and Claire Fox. Because there’s nothing contemporary liberals hate more than self-hating women and brown-skinned traitors not doing as they’re bloody well told.

Happily, Lewis deflected criticism by simply pretending Nawaz et al didn’t exist. Indeed, she took the courageous step of responding to the example of Tom Owolade by ignoring it and pointing out her opponent had misspelled ‘Owolade’. Game over. Because as we know, if you make a typo on Twitter it renders your point completely null and void. And if the argument can’t be won with facts, well, Uncle Toms and Muslim validators are easily airbrushed. Because the last thing we need is minorities thinking for themselves. And if that makes us look like low-expectation racists who wouldn’t know real bigotry if it knocked us off our eco-friendly skateboard with a rolled up copy of The New European then that’s probably because we are.

Which brings us to MTV and their recent video in which a handful of low-expectation racists lectured over half-a-billion white males about what they’re doing wrong. Titled ‘2017 New Years Resolutions For White Guys’, the two-minute clip featured the glorious sight of young liberals blaming an entire demographic for the actions of a minority. And what vile actions they are, as everything from using the word ‘woke’ to having black friends were given as examples of the horrendous stuff white men do.

Naturally, Black Lives Matter earned a mention. Because only a racist could possibly criticise a group who promote segregation, want cop-killers released from jail, demand prisons are abolished and believe all non-African Americans should become second-class citizens. As one of MTV’s analysts put it: ‘Can we all just agree that Black Lives Matter isn’t the opposite of ‘all lives matter’? Black lives just matter. There’s no need to complicate it’.

Indeed, and nothing complicates it more than pointing out that most black men shot dead in the USA are shot dead by other black men. Or that the vast majority of black men shot by police tend to be in the process of committing a crime. Or that the reason disproportionate numbers of black men are shot by police is because unfortunately disproportionate numbers of black men are criminals. Far better to ignore the social, economic and historical factors which have brought about this sad state of affairs and simply put it down to the fact that cops love shooting black people. And if anyone points out that actually more white criminals are killed by police every year simply call them a racist and comfort yourself with the knowledge that those white criminals probably deserved it for being white.

Because we can’t expect MTV’s young radicals to do five minutes of research before they open their gobs, just like we can’t expect them to take a break from pissing about with Pokémon Go to read BLM’s list of demands. Because for starters it’s far too long and judging by the brain-surgeons featured in the video the realisation that it’s practically a love letter to segregation may not sink in until 2035, by which time half of them will still be reading it. And those clever enough to grasp that BLM are not quite the principled progressives they think they are will be quite comfortable supporting a Marxist street movement with a tendency to hold rallies at which people get shot. But not by the police, obvs, which is why we don’t talk about them. ‘Cos, y’know, not all black lives matter.

Moving on, the kids turned their ire on those racists who have the nerve to suggest dead policeman deserve as much sympathy as dead criminals: ‘Also, Blue Lives Matter isn’t a thing’ notes one of the wise young men. ‘Cops weren’t born with blue skin. Right?’ Indeed they weren’t and funnily enough BLM head honcho Shaun King wasn’t born with black skin either. But he still has no qualms telling people significantly blacker than him how to think. And quite right too because if someone truly believes they’re black – or Asian, or Welsh, or a 6 year-old non-binary Chinese pensioner with a phobia of spoons – then that’s up to them. As grim as 2016 has been, let’s be thankful that mixed-up teenagers no longer have to black up like Ponyboy in Soul Man to convince the world they’re something they’re not.

Luckily, the fact that ‘blue lives’ tend to be snuffed out in the line of duty rather than committing crimes is of no interest to MTV. Because these crimes wouldn’t be happening if it wasnt for white supremacy, just like Islamists only run people over with trucks because of Western foreign policy or angry snowflakes only harass young mothers on aeroplanes because of Donald Trump. Because you lose the moral high ground the second you start holding minorities to the same standard as everyone else. How can we expect blacks and Muslims to understand the complexities of their own oppression when they’re incapable of independent thought and controlled by white men?

A question brilliantly answered in the video with a succinct history lesson so steeped in knowledge it could have come from Diane Abbott: ‘First off, try to remember that America was never that great for anyone that wasn’t a white guy’. Brilliantly echoing Bernie Sanders who famously claimed ‘When you’re white you don’t know what it’s like to live in a ghetto. You don’t know what it’s like to be poor’, they showed that ignorance of the world outside your echo-chamber is just as common among deluded old socialists as it is hipster millennials with shit for brains.

That this sentence appeared on a channel which features a hell of a lot of people neither white nor male for whom America has been rather great is completely irrelevant. Because there’s nothing leftists love more than dismissing the achievements made by feminist and civil rights movements of years gone by. And if that means pretending Western society is still as racist and misogynist as it was half a century ago and ignoring trivialities such as the fact that women have more freedom and opportunities today than ever before and the most powerful man on earth is black then so be it.

And just because the term ‘white men’ encompasses everything from heads of state to the Mick Fleetwood lookalike who used to sleep in Haymarket bus station doesn’t mean they haven’t all benefited from their privilege. Indeed, it’s the white men out there who don’t even realise that they’re privileged racists who are the most dangerous. As one of the MTV philosophers put it: ‘Just because you have black friends doesn’t mean you’re not racist. You can have black friends and still be racist’. Indeed you can, as proven by every person on this video. Still, it’s great to hear such a plea for inclusiveness and integration from supporters of BLM, a group who are against blacks and whites even going to the same school.

‘Look, we know nobody’s perfect…But honestly, you can do a little better in 2017…Some of you guys do a great job, some of you don’t’. Understandably, this final volley neglects to mention what constitutes ‘a good job’ or why they didn’t make a video lumping every other demographic under the sun into one amorphous, bigoted blob. Because as we know, when anyone else does something bad it’s because we made them. And when anyone neither white nor male achieves something it’s in spite of white maleness trying to stop them at every turn.

Because for too long white men worldwide have had privilege handed to them, even the ones who end up destitute and penniless, watching Sky Sports through pub windows in the pissing snow. For instance, I know from personal experience that when that person who isn’t me was jailed for two weeks he only escaped a buggering in the shower because he was white and male. There can’t be any other reason why his boyish good looks and general affability didn’t make him a prime target for Big Brenda from E-wing.

Needless to say, I hate to think what would’ve happened to Not Me if he’d been black, female or – god forbid – Muslim. But according to the bloke I didn’t share a cell with, the latter would have at least guaranteed Not Me a single cell and some comfortable shoes. This country may be going to hell but at least there’s one place where a Muslim man can do exactly what the fuck he wants.

But while our Islamic brothers will clearly ‘do better’ in 2017 I don’t hold out much hope for white males. As the video showed, white men just aren’t willing to learn about stuff like mansplaining, even when they have it twatsplained to them. Still, in the meantime, lets simply admire MTV for having the nerve to tell millions of people they’ve never met where they’re going wrong. And for simultaneously pulling off an even bigger upset than Brexit and Trump combined: who’d have predicted that the cast of Jersey Shore would one day become MTV’s second biggest pack of cunts?