By Ben Pensant
As every well-adjusted Twitter addict knows, division is everywhere. And as every well adjusted left-wing Twitter addict knows, it’s all the right’s fault. However, every now and then there comes a time when principled progressives find themselves singing from the same song sheet as filthy fascists, and the red lines separating Good People from Bad Bastards temporarily vanish. Which is why the last month has seen leftists and Nazis hold their noses, put down their bike chains, and suspend hostilities to rally around a common cause: we both desperately want the England soccerball team to lose.
Granted, we’ve been praying for England’s exit for vastly different reasons: us because we’re compassionate, educated liberals appalled by nationalism and xenophobia; them because they’re racist Covidiots who can’t read. But motives are irrelevant, all that matters is we remain united in our mutual desire to obsess over stuff we don’t like and suck the fun out of absolutely everything.
Because one thing we can all agree on is that now is NOT the time for people to ‘come together’, ‘get behind the team’, and ‘take their minds off’ the horror of modern Britain. No. We need to focus on that horror 24/7, and anyone who doesn’t is a traitor, a collaborator, and a nasty pasty freedom hater. So with this in mind, I’ve once again invited my stalker-cum-guest columnist Graham Reaper to spew his evil right-wing rhetoric all over my pristine blog, primarily to make me look good but also to remind my army of seven readers that the popular socialist axiom “the enemy of my enemy is the friend of my friend or something” – coined by cuddly eyeless tanky Gorgeous ‘George’ Galloway – is as apt now as it was when St Jezza had afternoon tea with that nice bearded fella who thinks Jews eat biscuits made out of babies’ faces.
And there’s no better time to bridge the divide than now, as both sides of the isle teem with battle-hardened culture warriors loudly pontificating about football despite knowing as much about the sport as I do about the history of thimbles. Once England are beaten by the delightful Italians and their charming non-racist fans we can get back to taunting each other with memes and death threats but until then it’s full steam head. Because it’s clear from the England team’s nervous demeanour and poorly coiffured locks that they’re absolutely RATTLED by the knowledge that a handful of mentally ill hall monitors on the internet want them to lose. So let’s keep applying the pressure and hope all the effort we’ve put into abusing strangers and liking tweets by Otto European and Laurence ‘Lozenge’ Fox culminates in the team’s spectacular failure on the biggest stage of all.
In the meantime, sit back, pour yourself a whale-spunk smoothie, and allow Graham and I to explain our contrasting but equally self-righteous reasons for refusing to support England, most of which revolve around such pertinent issues as Covid 18, Black Life Matters, and several other hot button topics utterly irrelevant to 24 men kicking a ball around and doing Hitler salutes when they score a touchdown. And yes, when I say ‘other hot button topics’ I bloody well do mean Brexit. How could I not? After all, football fans voted for it, the Coronovirus was caused by it, and George Floyd was murdered by it. I hope it was worth it, Nigel.
Now sit tight and read what this Tory arsewipe has to say.
GRAHAM: Sheeple wearing muzzles because they’ve got better things to do than get into arguments with shelf-stackers in Liddle is bad enough. Braindead drones queuing up in carparks to have pipe cleaners shoved up their noses just so they can go on a holiday they spent all year saving up for is even worse. And chicken-shit collaborators willingly injecting themselves with deadly poison so deadly it’s barely killed anyone is frankly unforgivable. But of all the examples of Covid-inspired madness that I’m literally forced to sift through, obsess over, and weep buckets about every bastard day, the most heinous by far is the way people are determined to temporarily FORGET about The Worst Thing That Has Ever Happened, Like, Ever and instead focus their attention on something that makes then happy, in this case a bunch of wealthy snowflakes with foreignish names prancing around in silly shorts and kissing each other. On the lips. This is why the terrorists hate us.
And why the hell are these so-called ‘fans’ indulging the Euros anyway? I expect Gary Southgate and his squad of woke posers to buy into this libtard nonsense but not their supporters, the so-called British Bulldogs who once spent football tournaments ransacking pleasure beaches and throwing marbles at snooty French police horses but now seem content to sip coffee, clap politely, and belt out godawful singalongs by Jewish hippy Neil Simon. And as we’re not in Europe anymore, can anyone tell me why we’re still playing in the EUROPEAN Cup? I’ll wait. Dunno if you heard, ladies, but five summers ago there was a high-profile grudge match and Metropolitan Elite Utd lost 52-48, with no extra time, penalties, or replays necessary.
Even worse, in a move that would have Thatcherite hero Bexy out of Green Street shitting in his grave, some of these pinko ponces even applauded taking the knee. Which brings me to the question that has been causing shockwaves all the way from Twitter to Facebook: Kneel or no kneel? Well, brace yourselves for the shock of the century because despite my loathing of all things militant I’m firmly in the ‘kneel’ camp. Yes, you heard that right. And I’m not just in favour of it on the grounds that everyone should have the right to do whatever they like with their leg joints, even pseudo-English turncoats. Because if it were up to me I’d happily BAN taking the knee as revenge for all the things outlawed by the left, such as sombreros, wolf-whistling, and Donald the Trump. No, I’m 100% behind them bending the knee for one very simple reason: how else are we going to spot the Marxists? Especially the millionaire ones?
Apologists suggest these brainless ball-kickers wouldn’t know Karl Marx from Richard Marx and probably think Das Krapital is a posh toilet invented by the Krauts. But they’re dead wrong. Which is why we need the England team to carry on kneeling FOREVER, so that when a proper right wing government eventually seize power they know exactly who to drown in the Thames for high treason. Don’t like the sound of that? Tough titty, comrades. These are your rules, not ours. (Actually they’re our rules too but you started it so you can bloody lump it.)
As for Southgate’s piss-weak “its not political!”, “we’re supporting the message, not the group!” poppycock…please. EVERYTHING’s political. Especially young sportsmen kneeling on grass. If bitter, talentless bastards like me and Ben can devote our lives to politicising everything and going blue in our sad faces about stuff we don’t like then why should hugely successful young athletes at the top of their game be any different?
Intent is EVERYTHING. And their intent is clearly to promote BLM’s crank-left agenda. (Some of these young clowns even have dreadlocks for Maggie’s sake!). It couldn’t possibly be that they’re simply kneeling to protest racism, know nothing about BLM or what the stand for, and have more important stuff to think about such as winning football matches at the highest level while lonely keyboard wafflers who’ve achieved bugger all scold them for not being culture war experts.
Thank god for the REAL lions who’ve stuck it to the England team by booing their SJW antics. Because in 2021 you can’t simply say you disagree with something. No, you have to hiss at it like a fat toddler at a pantomime. And let’s not forget the celebrity grifters who’ve point blank refused to support England, like Lord Lozza and a handful of nondescript Tory MPs. That the team STILL somehow fashioned good results without the backing of a former actor-turned-shite singer and some politicians whose own parents haven’t even heard of them just shows how the whole tournament has been fixed by the left-wing establishment. Anyone who gets behind this pitiful bunch is a stone cold quisling and anyone who offers their full-blooded allegiance to the anti-England cause is a hero. Apart from the scotch. They can shove their boos up their ginger kilts.
Come on you Eye-Ties!
BEN: Like most sensible leftists, I was horrified by the news that Brexit Britain would not only be hosting this year’s World Cup but forcing people to risk their lives by standing in the vicinity of thousands of other humans as they watch 20 rapists kick each other and pretend to fall over for two hours. Wow. Cheers Boris. Sending dumb football fans to their deaths to boost your precious economy is sooo 2021. Unsurprisingly, since the tournament started there’s been a mysterious absence of footage showing fans vomiting, hyperventilating, and choking to death because they stood next to a bloke who may have been on the same tube as a woman who had to self-isolate last week because her son was possibly in Tesco at the same time as a three-year-old girl who had a dicky tummy a fortnight ago. How convenient.
Not that the footage they have let us see is any less disturbing. The sight of players hugging, body-slamming and breathing the same air as each other has been terrorising FBPE Twitter for weeks now. The fact that none of them are ill and have been tested regularly is utterly irrelevant. You think something as deadly as Covid cares if you’ve tested negative? Don’t make me laugh. It wants them to think they’re safe so they’ll pass it on to the nearest teammate, preferably one with brown skin.
Still, it’s no less than they deserve. Because white footballers are revolting enough, but at least the can argue they were duped into playing for their evil country by the right-wing press and imperialist grandparents. Black players, on the other hand, have no excuse for selling out their community to wrap themselves in the flag of their oppressors. If they were truly committed to anti-racism they’d insist on playing for whatever proud African nation their refugee parents escaped from instead of spitting in their ancestors’ faces by having the nerve to represent the country they were born and raised in.
It’s thanks to this sort of stuff that people like myself and scores of other Twitter liberals who know nothing about football or history have decided we simply cannot support England this evening. Because how any intelligent person can be aware of England’s far-right, fascist past and still want them to win is beyond me. Which is why supporting Italy instead is both a brave stand against racism and the very definition of a no-brainer.
But if the spectre of imperialism isn’t enough to put you off the four lions – all of whom were actually born in a TURKISH zoo – you only have to take one look at their vile racist fanbase to know that they don’t deserve your support for a second. As every brave liberal who only just discovered the concept of booing other teams’ national anthems knows fine well, this sort of behaviour is exclusive to English fans and has been for centuries. You’ll hear much guff from supposed ‘experts’ – ie: working class morons ie: EDL scum – about how other countries have far worse problems with football hooliganism than England. Don’t believe a word of it. While these apologist goons are very adept at backing up their racist theories with news reports, video footage, and first hand accounts, they tend to run a mile when you ask for some actual evidence such as a Twitter thread started by someone with a blue flag next to their name. Cowards.
As ever, the best way to counter their pathetic ‘facts’ is to simply ignore, block, report, and enjoy the last laugh tonight by offering full-blooded support to the Italians, safe in the knowledge that their fans would never dream of booing national anthems, chanting racist slogans, abusing black players, giving fascist salutes, pelting opposing fans with lighters, or riding their scooters into crowds of tourists armed with swords, nunchucks and severed horses’ heads.
And they sure as hell wouldn’t object to bending the knee either, just as long as you lied and told them it was actually a tribute to Derek Chauvin. Not that taking the knee for a total of five seconds is anything to brag about. Five seconds? Come back to me when when you’ve knelt for 90 minutes to atone for all the beastly stuff the English have done over the years. Then we’ll talk. Oh and as for your snaggle-toothed manager – a secret Tory if I ever saw one – tell him it’s all good and well making middle-class housewives swoon by banging on about diversity and rocking fabulous cottonwear but he undid all that good work the second he publicly disassociated his team from BLM. Let’s hope Slippery Southgate remembers this error in a few hours time when he’s collecting his losers’ medal from Prince Slaphead.
GRAHAM/BEN: Arriva Derci Gary!