By Ben Pensant.
There are so many things the left do better than the right. From losing referendums and coming second in elections to misrepresenting statistics and pretending men can get pregnant, it’s safe to say we best them in every category. Sure, they’ve recently given us a run for our money in the fields of ‘faking hate crimes’ and ‘reporting comedians to the police’ but they can’t hold a candle to us when it comes to stuff that matters, such as attending Pride parades dressed as leather-clad sex-dogs. (Tories prefer to do that in private, the dirty, repressed bastards.)
But they will never come close to us when it comes to insurrection. You only have to look at those alt-right bellends in yellow tabards stinking up Westminster Boulevard to see how rubbish they are at protests. Okay, they may have pulled off the remarkable feat of convincing the left-wing media that they’re both pathetic losers whose fans would struggle to fill a phone box and the greatest threat to civilised society since Oswald Mosley’s Blacksocks, but at the end of the day their sad antics are about as incendiary as a baby mouse wet-farting Deutschmark Uber Alles.
In this exciting era of milkshakes and tear-gas it must be pretty embarrassing when your most memorable examples of direct action are pestering Anna Sourface and calling OJ Jones a puff. They don’t even wear masks or carry bike locks. This startling lack of originality runs right through the alt-right’s bland approach to protest, though this doesn’t mean they’re not the most terrifying presence on British streets and must be eliminated before they cleanse the UK of everyone who isn’t white or cisgender.
Which brings me to last week’s cringeworthy yet horrific display of arrogance by the Brexshit Party, who somehow managed to sink even lower when they turned their backs on the EU’s official jingle, Ode To Juncker. Yep, not content with disrespecting the greatest institution on earth – one so awesome it singlehandedly stops World War 3 every day – they also offended a brass band. Clearly the note perfect rendition of this life affirming anthem didn’t do it for them, probably because it doesn’t contain enough oompah stylings or jackboot drumming for their far-right tastes.
But there was an even darker side to their performance. Because as anyone who’s spent more than five minutes navigating Political Twitter knows, you can’t simply criticise the Brexshit MEPs for being rude, childish, or egotistical. You can’t just mock them for bigging up their silly protest as if it were an act of defiance on par with Wayne Gandhi’s Salt March. And you can’t merely point out the ridiculousness of taking a seat in the European Parliament despite spending your days telling people how terrible the European Parliament is.
No, what you have to do is state with absolute certainty that all 29 BP MEPs – three of whom I’ve actually heard of! – decided to turn their backs on the European Parliament not because they’re vain egotists or publicity hungry clickbait whores. They did it because they’re Nazis.
Which is what thousands of educated people with important-looking letters after their names did last week when it became blatantly obvious that BP’s trite spectacle was a far-right dog-whistle, clearly designed to invoke memories of a similar protest done by a bunch of genuine Nazis in 1936 or something. The fact that none of the die-hard Remainzealots accusing the foul MEPs of deliberately referencing Nazis had heard of the incident until that day was irrelevant, as was the fact that people have been turning their backs as a form of protest for decades and it has bugger all to do with death camps, swastikas, or genocidal dictators with missing knackers.
Understandably, decent people were repulsed by this brazen tribute to the Fourth Reich, so brazen it was only picked up on by people with blue flags and pointless acronyms in their Twitter handles. Leading the charge was EU-lovin’ social media personality Otto European, who melted FBPEMFTM hearts by re-tweeting a picture of Farage and co’s ancestors pulling their dirty trick in the ’20s, before accusing their modern day proteges of “using the Nazi playbook”.
This naturally made Guardian readers swoon hard, almost as hard as that time Otto posted creepy pictures of a lady eating some food on a train. That woman, of course, was leading Brexshitter Clare Fox, which handed European and his deeply progressive followers a free pass to disseminate photos of a 60-year-old woman taken without her permission, cleverly avoiding the cries of ‘toxic masculinity’ that would erupt from his fans if someone did that to a proper left-wing politician. (Fox likes to pretend she’s one of us by bragging about her Communist past and supporting noble causes like killing British soldiers but she’s fooling no-one.)
Otto was ably assisted by his faithful Twitter followers, leaping to his defence with the sort of rabid commitment and unabashed sycophancy unique to the modern left – two more things we do waaay better than the rotten right. Predictably, they had to fend off Tory trolls pathetically arguing that people have been making political statements by turning their backs for years, from anti-Trump protesters to Canadian women upset at Justin Trudeaux for banning periods. These lame deflections were met with short shrift by Otto’s army, who responded like trained seals and repeatedly pointed out that the difference between these examples and the racist MEPS was that the latter are elected representatives, you idiot. What this had to do with Otto’s claim that to turn one’s back on someone was to “whistle the same motifs” as the Nazis was unclear, but I’m certain there was an important reason behind it. Otherwise it would mean they’d completely missed the point and educated leftists never do that, do they?
The only sticking point was Otto. Now, far be it from me to cast doubts on such an obvious ally but even Mr. European himself would agree that in these divisive times it’s hard to know who to trust. So forgive me for not passing on your wise words Otto, but I’m afraid your first name sounds a little too ‘Nazi playbook’ for my liking.
All of which emphasises how utterly useless the right are at protesting, their cack-handed attempts insulting true rebels everywhere and making a mockery of the revolutionary tradition. To see how it’s supposed to be done, you only have to look at the assortment of left-wing protests that have happened over the last fortnight, each one as daring and rebellious as the Brexshit Party’s was safe and irrelevant.
Take the counter protest which took place on the same day, as a gang of brave Lib Dems in wacky yellow t-shirts left the BP absolutely rattled by marching into the European Parliament with ‘BREXIT IS BOLLOCKS!’ emblazoned across their tits. Ha! Needless to say, this madcap act of subversion left the alt-right fuming. And if for some strange reason their stunt doesn’t stop Brexit, at least these freedom fighters will know that while few people could tell you their names, at least their clothing trended on Twitter for an hour. Take that, Nazi sods!
Elsewhere, we saw yet more bravery from Antifa, the modern day equivalents of everyone who died in WW2, particularly those nice Stalinists who helped the Allied Forces crush Hitler before spending the next few decades quadrupling his death toll. For further evidence compare the Brexshit Party with the black-clad warriors who clashed with Nazis in Portland Bill two weeks ago, finding themselves under such a sustained attack from alt-right shit stirrer and self-hating homo Andy Ngogo that they were left with no choice but to defend themselves by beating up the unreconstructed Solero.
This is how you get stuff done. And the great thing about Antifa violence is that, unlike violence committed by your common-or-garden mace-wielding fascist, Antifa’s brand of peaceful bullying always earns the support of British liberals. One of the most passionate is left-wing blogger Bob From Throckley who, despite regularly decrying class divisions, hate speech, and incitement, expressed little condemnation for the privileged activists who put Nguyen in hospital. On the contrary, he blamed the Asian white supremacist for provoking them, reminding everyone that evil Andy is ‘far-right’ thus legitimising the principled decision to beat him up.
Unsurprisingly, Bob then indulged in the kind of apologism and victim-blaming now commonplace on the modern left, from casting doubt on whether Umbongo’s injuries were real and denying that Antifa activists have ever behaved like fascists to defending their right to hit people they disagree with and using ‘they started it!’ as a grown-up justification for violence. Good lad. All in all, for someone who dislikes Corbynites Bob doesn’t half sound like one. Fingers crossed he keeps up the good work – once Jezza sweeps to power and Broccoli finishes his five year stretch stitching berets in solitary we could use a brain like his.
But the most impressive left-wing protest happened last week when Jess Philips dumped her son on Theresa May’s doorstep. This genius move was designed to blame the doomed PM for Master Philips’ school closing on a Friday afternoon, as well as highlighting the fact that Jess’s life is so hectic and her salary so meagre she has neither the time nor money to arrange for someone to change her 10-year-old’s nappy.
The tremors from this bold attempt to change the world were felt all the way from Number Ten to Number Eleven, with Jess’s bravery fawned over by the type of people who think swearing and interrupting people more than make up for a complete lack of personality. As you’d expect, these superfans happily bought into the left-wing fantasy that her son’s school closure was entirely the fault of the government and nothing whatsoever to do with mismanaging its budget.
Sadly, the ballsy act of dissent had zero effect on policy but the ripples it generated on Jess’s Twitter feed more than made up for that, which was kind of the point. And while Jess’s son’s school remains closed on Fridays, rumour has it Terrible Theresa was so flustered she offered to pay a visit to Brumingham to wipe his arse while Jess gets her nails done. We’ll see.
As for Fearless Philips, she may have repeatedly betrayed the Dear Leader but we Corbynites are a forgiving bunch. She keeps up these shamelessly opportunistic publicity stunts and there may yet be a role for her when Jezza seizes power. I can’t promise anything but if she maintains her insurrectional streak we may be able to convince Brother Seamus to only hang her once.
Until then we’ll keep showing the fascists how it’s done, starting with our all-out war against the Bastard Broadcasting Charlatans, whose jawdroppingly offensive World In Action documentary on the myth of left-wing antisemitism rightly sent proud Corbynites into the biggest, loudest rage since that infamous Newsnight interview when Laura Cuntsberg pumped and blamed it on Jezza.
Luckily we’re old hands at this protest lark, and the reaction to the smear-filled hatchet job has been as sleek as you’d expect, with some of the outrage even coming from people who’ve seen the programme. I myself refuse to watch it but that hasn’t stopped me sending an angry email to Ofsted and posting envelopes filled with cat-shit to the producer. Meanwhile, all over social media decent Jezzabels have been demonstrating how ridiculous the BBC claims of Jew hatred are by spending the last few days abusing Jews.
See how it’s done, righties? Now if you’ll excuse me this ‘BOLLOCKS TO BORIS!’ banner won’t write itself.
Fight the power!