By Ben Pensant

There’s been much heated discussion recently about what constitutes racism, most of it conducted by racists. And like all heated discussions about racism conduced by racists, they reinforced the racism coursing through racist Britain like a racist plague. You think Covid-18 is deadly? Imagine if it was racist too. Oh hang on, it is. Cheers for peppering your killing spree with racism, Boris. You blonde racist.

As anyone with half a Critical Racism Theory degree knows, the question is not “What constitutes racism?” but “What doesn’t?”. And the answer is: Nothing. Nada. Knackers. Because literally everything constitutes racism, and if someone says something is racist then it is, unless that someone is a Tory or Jewish. Unsurprisingly, despite the racially charged events of 2021, grasping this simple rule is too much for the right-wing planks of Ingrate Britain.

So it’s down to muggins to dish out some cold, hard truth for the dozy racists at the back. Sadly, the following five examples of what constitutes racism are but a tiny fraction of the racism that regularly sends shockwaves all the way from Political Twitter to Race Bait Twitter (stopping off to cause a stir at Cancel Everyone Twitter and Clueless UK Comedian Twitter). One of them was even an actual major news story involving a trial and that, though just because something is covered by the lying MSM doesn’t make it any more topical than a sitcom star telling an anecdote about the Queen five years ago. So for the umpteenth time, here are this month’s top five things that make you a racist:

5. If you think racism isn’t as bad as it used to be you’re a racist.

Fact. You might be able to convince Scum-readers that racism is nowhere near as widespread as leftists want it to be but you can’t fool me, no matter how many government-funded studies conclude that racism doesn’t exist and anyone who disagrees can jump on the next ship back to Kingston Park. We see you.

Yep, I’m talking about the Sewell Report, the vile ‘investigation’ into institutional racism that offended everyone who read it, as well as several thousand who hadn’t. I won’t regurgitate the report’s fascistic findings, partly because they’re too offensive to repeat but mainly because I’ve no idea what they are. All you need to know is that it claims there is no racism in the UK whatsoever. The fact that it doesn’t is irrelevant, and if you’re tempted to examine Sewell’s findings with your own eyes before voicing an opinion that makes you a racist too.

It was also a kick in the teeth of privileged leftists who’ve spent years empowering minorities by massively exaggerating the scale of UK racism. Which is understandable because otherwise they’d have to admit it’s actually class disparities that are behind most western inequality, the very same class disparities that privileged leftists benefit generously from.

So ignore it, condemn it, call it the most racist screed this side of that Rod Lidl column about the black savagery of Welsh Muslims, but whatever you do, don’t read it. It’s not worth it. And anyway, what kind of government gives an important job like investigating systemic racism to an obnoxious art critic who died in 2015?

2. If you think it’s okay to cast black actors as anything other than boxers, drug-dealers, or pirate radio DJs then you’re a racist.

End of. You can moan all you like about perpetuating stereotypes and limiting black people to roles deemed significantly ethnic by middle-class liberals but I’ve ignored it all before.

Yes, I’m talking about BBC Diversity Guru Miranda Leyland, who recently made the alt-right cry with some so-2021-they-hurt criticisms of Idris Elbow’s deeply problematic cop show Luther Blissett, a cop show so deeply problematic I still haven’t watched it.

Needless to say Miranda’s bravery enraged Tory Twitter, where her complaint that Luther wasn’t authentic enough because he doesn’t have any black friends or eat Caribbean food went down like a bucket of Caribbean food. Yes, evil conservatives and gun-toting Republicans still think an actor’s skin colour is less important than his acting ability. Unreal.

Predictably, she was smeared and abused right, right, and centre, but it’s clear the actual problem was that she didn’t go far enough. Because casting black people in roles in which their skin colour is irrelevant is a huge slap in the face to modern progressives, especially educated white ones. Perhaps if more black people had voted Labour and allowed St. Jezza to unlock their talents it might be okay for them to play detectives and doctors. As it is, until we achieve total equality they should only ever be cast as slaves and cannibals.

No doubt this will rattle walking Bounty Bar Idris but he’s always been a bad ‘un. In fact, the only vaguely authentic black man he’s ever played was drug baron Stringer Stanfield in The Shield, and even he was considerably more privileged than most due to his marriage to white pop singer Lisa. Since then it’s been one sell-out after another: touting himself as the new James Bond, advertising Rupert Maxwell’s evil Skynet channel, playing a sodding viking in Thor: Hammer of the Gods. Rumour has it Elbow is such an establishment stooge he was even invited to Prince Edinburgh’s funeral but refused after the BBC Diversity Department politely asked him to turn up wearing a rastacap with a huge ghetto blaster on his shoulder.

Internalised racism. Plain and simple. I bet his cock’s tiny too.

3. If you see or hear anything simian-related and don’t automatically think about black people then you’re a racist.

Case closed. You can pretend it’s the other way round, that instantly associating black people with words like ‘monkey’ is waaay more racist, but you’re wasting your time because it’s not: you are.

Yep, inbetween the Sewell outrage and Elbagate a horrific video re-surfaced showing frog-faced actor Del Boy Jason telling a story about the Queen mistaking a foreign ambassador for a ‘gorilla’, shining a light on systemic racism in 2021 like only a thirty-second clip from five years ago can. Needless to say, it was immediately shared and condemned by hordes of self-righteous liberals, some of whom had even watched it.

The charge was led by Corbynite poet laureate Kerry Ann Mendoza, taking a well-earned break from penning the most moving pieces of prose since Yum, Yum, Bubblegum, Stick it Up the Teacher’s Bum. And her witch-hunt against an ageing white actor for saying something beastly in a video she didn’t know existed ten minutes earlier proved hugely popular, particularly with third-tier British comics annoyed at vile Jason for making more people laugh by falling over a bar than they have in their entire careers. Comedians get plenty of stick these days, but it’s refreshing to know there’s a burgeoning army of UK comics who refuse to take the right-wing dollar, demonstrate an ounce of self-awareness, or spend five seconds researching something before mouthing off about it on the internet.

All of which should have been the end of it: Job done. Career ruined. Twitter mob sated. But the gaslighting right couldn’t help themselves, downplaying Jason’s racism by claiming the ambassador in question was white. Which apparently he was. But as those of us who understand racist tropes know, the fact that he wasn’t black is irrelevant: so irrelevant I refuse to explain why. Deflect your way out of that one, racists.

Luckily, what followed sorted the true leftists from the charlatans. So the previously-brave comedians frantically back-peddled, either quietly deleting their tweets or conceding that the Queen’s comment wasn’t bigoted but maintaining that Jason had ‘made it racist’, presumably because they’re terrified to accept that an old white bloke off the telly is less weirded-out by black people than they are.

But genuine progressive values were exemplified by Kerry Anne and her warrior cult: the mentally ill activists and Kool-Aid Corbynites who point-blank refused to admit their mistake. Instead they doubled down, insisting that the real racists were Jason, the Queen, Kirstie Young, Will I Peas, the camera crew, the BBC, everyone who watched it, everyone who didn’t watch it, Boycie, Triggers, Mr Ed, Crappy Doo, and every single right-wing fruitcake who thinks there’s something wrong with assuming when someone says the word ‘gorilla’ they’re talking about a black person.

Clearly these loons learnt nothing from Roseanne Connor. Or Danny Barker. Or Alastair Stuart. Shameful.

4. If you think a cop being found guilty of killing an unarmed black man by kneeling on his head for 9 minutes is a good thing then you’re a racist.

Period. The Derek Thauvin verdict may have delighted liberals but true progressives know there’s no greater sign that we live in a racist society than locking up white cops for clicks. And that’s exactly what the racist jury did when they sent evil Thauvin and his errant knee to chokey to live a life of luxury in a cushy cell surrounded by pet mice, hookers, and copious tins of pineapple chunks.

Indeed, all the verdict did was reassure right-wingers that they’d eradicated racism and police brutality by imprisoning one cop, when everyone knows the only way to achieve that is to defund the police and imprison them all. (And yes, when I say ‘defund’ I bloody well do mean ‘abolish’.) That the black communities being methodically genocided by these bastards-in-blue would suffer even more if there were no police officers around is irrelevant. Take it up with the Republicans who created this mess when they invented slavery. Any unfortunate consequences that arise from allowing criminals to do what the hell they like is on them.

Thauvin’s conviction also sent out the white supremacist lie that racism isn’t as bad as it was in 1930, a lie made all the more vile because it’s 100% true. But even worse was the way it disenfranchised millions, denying poor blacks and middle class whites – but mainly middle-class whites – the opportunity to fight racism by smashing windows and chinning old ladies. What kind of society snatches away the right to set fire to electronics stores in black communities from the most marginalised trust fund recipients on earth? I’ll tell you what kind of society: this one, and it’s getting more racist by the second.

5. If you think it’s a white cop’s job to stop a black child being stabbed to death then you’re a racist.

No ifs, no buts, no coconuts. Because as the recent footage of a white cop fatally unloading on a harmless knife-wielding teenager demonstrated, there’s nothing more racist than saving a black girl’s life. And while we’re here, since when was black people not dying part of the plan? How the hell is that going to help us eradicate bigotry, destroy capitalism, and convince gullible celebrities that systemic racism is everywhere, cops kill black children for kicks, and the only way to stop it is by kneeling in solidarity with a crank-left street movement who want to abolish prisons and fill the streets with rapists and murderers? We need more dead black people, not less.

Thankfully, the media were onboard, instantly drawing parallels between Keith Floyd and the heartbreaking death of some black girl whose name I can’t be bothered to look up, disseminating the principled lie that the racist cop simply showed up and sprayed bullets everywhere as opposed to intervening in a knife-fight which was about to turn fatal.

Yes, that’s right: a knife-fight, that age old rite-of-passage for African-Americans everywhere. Or rather, it was, until whitey decided it was his job to stick his oar in and issue deadly lectures to vulnerable black youths with blades in their hands. Sickening. The sooner these imperialists get back in their lanes the better. And while they’re at it, would it be too much trouble to learn how to wound crazed knife-attackers rather than murderlise them? If Twitter SJWs can become firearms experts overnight then it shouldn’t be too much to expect a redneck with a badge to be able to shoot straight.

Luckily, the left-wing commentary on the sad death of Ma’Khia Whatserface was sublime. Because as all liberals know, the correct way to respond to incidents of the police shooting black people is to compare them to incidents of the police not shooting white people, such as racist mass shooter Dylan Ruth.

Like most left-wing arguments, it’s utterly foolproof. That the two incidents were wildly different and the police would have shot Ruth too if he were about to kill someone when they found him is irrelevant, as are the hundreds of white people shot by police every year. Equally irrelevant are the black Americans regularly apprehended without being shot.

Because all that matters is conflating two disparate high profile incidents by drawing inane comparisons disguised as incisive gotcha!s, while completely ignoring the sheer volume of narrative-upsetting incidents deemed unworthy of mention because they weren’t filmed and posted on Twitter. And if you think you can counter such brilliantly flawed logic by quoting tiresome crime statistics and arguing against allowing black teenagers to murder each other in the name of diversity then I’m afraid that makes you a…well, do I really need to say it?

The saddest thing is these five example are merely the tip of the racism iceberg, which is kind of like a normal iceberg except it looks even more like a Klan hat. Other things that make you a racist include: voting Tory, reading The Daily Fail, watching Lines of Duty, shopping at Liddle, and being white. But if you’ve got to the end of this frankly bloated blog and still don’t know what constitutes racism then don’t worry, it doesn’t mean you’re stupid. It just means you’re a racist.

Now if you’ll excuse me, all this talk of racism has reminded me there are a handful of shifty Zios on Facebook I need to send some polite death threats to before lunchtime. No rest for the woke-ed!