By Ben Pensant

Like most die-hard Corbynites, I don’t even notice the smears anymore. Sure, I read them, spit on them, and send death threats to anyone who retweets them, but other than that they barely register: a faint, inconsequential drone of lies, propaganda, and demonstrable facts. Indeed, they bother me so little it’s been three whole days since I last cried myself to sleep thinking about them, and almost a week since my daily commute to Cowgate food bank was marred by some Zionist bitch eating a bagel on the Metro.

Needless to say, the latest round of scurrilous allegations were as empty, predictable, and easy to ignore as ever, with hit-piece after hit-piece pathetically arguing that Chris Williams’ re-admission to Labour was evidence of the party’s ‘racism’. Please. Any idiot can see it’s actually evidence of their dedication to promoting diversity by creating a safe space for everyone from skull-faced militant antisemites to antisemitic militants with faces like skulls.

But amazingly last week saw an even more tiresome smear, one so tedious I barely spent more than four afternoons, three bus journeys, and an entire sleepless night curled up in an empty bath bubbling about it. Because the centrist swines and their Tory bedfellows excelled themselves this time, sinking even lower than usual by accusing several Jewish Labour accounts of being fakes. Their justification? Well apparently they commited the cardinal sin of regurgitating the exact same story. A story they were accused of stealing from someone else. Yep, it seems shared experiences are a bad thing in Brexit Britain. But that’s not even the worst part. Because these accounts didn’t belong to just any old Jews. These Jews were the relatives of Holocaust survivors.

That’s right, the very same alt-right hawks who’ve spent the last four years accusing St. Jezza’s Labour of antisemitism have now decided to throw people whose parents lived through the horror of the concentration camps under the bus. And all because their recollections of the ordeals they faced in the ’40s sounded slightly similar. Sickening. 

Still their relentless slander affects me so little I haven’t even smashed a plate thinking about them since midday. Obsessing over antisemitism smears is just soooo 2015. Far better to let Jezza’s Jews speak for themselves. Yes, they exist. This may shock those gullible wretches who’d believe Corbyn scratched his bum and sniffed his fingers in Strangers’ Bar if The Daily Fail said so, but facts are facts.

Because unbeknown to most of the British public, social media is awash with high-ranking Hebrews who worship Our Next PM every bit as passionately as normal people do. Unlike the celebrity Zionists spreading poison all the way from Twitter to Facebook, these honourable non-gentiles acknowledge their role in the persecution of Palestinians that started before they were born, and are acutely aware of their complicity in the actions of a government six-thousand miles away that has fuck all to do with them.

Twitter in particular is brimming with these folk. Take @KosherKopite#JC4PM a retired jeweller from Merseyside whose parents fled Germany for Amsterdam in the ’30s. After the Netherlands fell to the Nazis she and her family went into hiding, spending the rest of the war in a secret room behind a bookcase in her father’s office. Sadly, after being discovered by the SS in 1944 the whole family were sent to Auschwitz. Apart from @KosherKopite#JC4PM that is, who managed to escape the clutches of the Nazis and hitch-hiked her way across Europe before stowing away on a ferry bound for Merseyside. Upon arrival she was found shivering in a doorway and taken in by a kind Trotskyist family from Bootle, whereupon she devoted the rest of her life to campaigning for the many not the few by writing meaningless slogans on bedsheets.

As she put it herself last week after debating the finer points of the Be-Ro Flour Declaration, a discourse which culminated in her calling Rachel O’Riley a blonde slag: “I’ve learnt one thing. You only get to know a person after a fight. Then you judge their true character!”

I couldn’t have put it better myself, @Kosher.

But she isn’t the only Survivor saying ‘enough’s enough!’ to the anti-Corbyn onslaught. @MerseysideMensch#JC4PM#GTTO is another account which utterly destroys the idea that Jews hate Jezza. Like @Kosher, he was born in Germany but spent most of his childhood in the Netherlands after his parents fled Frankfurt to escape persecution. When the SS uncovered a secret room hidden behind a bookcase in his father’s office and sent his family to Dachau in 1944, @MerseysideMensch#JC4PM#GTTO escaped, trekking through war-torn Europe and somehow making it across the Channel to Liverpool where he was instantly adopted by a couple of scouse social workers. Since retiring from his successful career as a bank manager he spends his days campaigning for universal human rights and admonishing himself for causing the Six Day War despite never having set foot in Israel.

As he recently said to Tracey-Ann Doberman during a lively Twitter chat about Hamas in which he argued his point respectfully before accusing the former Corrie’ killer of eating babies’ faces: “I don’t want to live in vain like most people. I want to be useful or bring enjoyment to all people, even those I’ve never met. I want to go on living even after my death!”

You tell her, @Merseyside.

And let’s not forget @TalmudistOfToxteth#JC4PM#GTTO#ACAB, the 90-year-old former Chief Rabbi of Aigburth and full-time non-binary transbeard who arrived in the north-west as an orphan having fled Amsterdam during the war. Born in Germany, @TalmudistOfToxteth#JC4PM#GTTO#ACAB’s family moved to the Netherlands after Hitler swept to power but were captured and sent to Belsen in 1944 when their secret bedroom hidden behind a bookcase in their dad’s office was discovered by the SS. @TalmudistOfToxteth#JC4PM#GTTO#ACAB somehow made it out alive, risking life and limb travelling across Europe before breaking into the home of a family of bohemian intellectuals from Canning, who were instantly smitten with the knife-wielding genderqueer intruder, bringing them up as one of their own. After a difficult childhood they excelled academically: devouring the Toyah, studying post-modernism, and developing a penchant for fishnet tights, before hitting the streets and learning how to successfully evade arrest when leaving Woolco with a pound of pick’n’mix hidden under your Kipper.

They are one of the most learned Jewish scholars out there, as you can see from this pearl of wisdom they delivered to workshy capitalist Alan Shuggyboat during a heated exchange about BDSM, just before they blocked him and threatened to slit his wife’s throat: “We have many reasons to hope for great happiness but we have to earn it. And that’s something you can’t achieve by talking the easy way out. Earning happiness means doing good and working, not speculating and being lazy. Laziness may look inviting, but only work gives you true satisfaction!”

Wise words, @Talmudist. Wise words.

And they aren’t alone, as Twitter is ram-packed with similar testimonies by other ageing Christ Killers with remarkably similar backgrounds; their identical stories liked, loved, and retweeted by people whose idea of fighting fascism is calling soap actresses whores.That they get zero press coverage is hardly surprising, as the likes of Skynet News and the Brexit Broadcasting Corporation long ago abandoned any pretence of neutrality in favour of shilling for the alt-right.

But we know they’re out there, which is all that matters. As I’ve repeatedly stated, their smears bother me so little they might as well not exist. In fact, since I started writing this blog a few hours ago I’ve only broke down in tears over Wreathgate twice, and still haven’t even got around to sending my weekly DM to one-eyed Torygraph hack Dan Hedges. I just couldn’t care less.

And why should I? The press can go swivel. If I was hit by a bus tomorrow at least I’d die knowing the voices of Good Jews are being heard. So three cheers for @Kosher, @Merseyside and @Talmudist for risking the wrath of Mossad by spreading the truth, speaking their minds, and accepting that as awful as the Holocaust was, as a pre-emptive punishment for what Israel would spend the next 70-odd years doing to the brave people of Palestine, few could argue it wasn’t richly deserved.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I’ve an article to write about how 29 egotists turning their backs on a jingle means they’re Nazis.

Maisel Tov, everyone!