By Ben Pensant
There are many beautiful things about Avengers star ‘Elaine’ Page coming out as trans, not least the way it beautifully highlighted the Hollywood community’s dedication to tolerance, diversity, and indulging the narcissistic whims of rich, deluded attention seekers. Indeed, the loud, enthusiastic, completely sincere applause Page received from fellow celebs brilliantly illustrated the lengths they’ll go to to ensure they’re considered one of the Good People, freeing them up to continue abusing carpark attendants and snorting coke off hookers’ tits.
Similarly, the gushing media tributes speedily churned out by clickbait columnists were a joy to behold, especially as most of them were clearly written months ago. Which makes sense as Page has long been at the forefront of Tinseltown’s exciting woke resistance, from accusing evil Star Wars actor Chris Prat of supporting homophobia for going to church, to that jaw-dropping TV appearance in which Page tearfully blamed Mike Penis for the brutal assault on Jessie Smollet: a bravura display of full-strength emoting almost as genuine as Smollet’s claim that he was beaten up by two invisible Trump supporters dressed as Nigerians. Frankly, it was a knocking bet Page would hop on the trans-express sooner or later so it’s no surprise that ambulance-chasing hacks already had their heartfelt ‘Elliot Page is a MAN. Get over it!’ columns penned and ready-to-go, alongside obituaries for the Queen, Paul Gazza, and that EU Superwoman songstress who sounds like a melting witch.
Yes, that’s right: Elliot. ELLIOT. Not ‘Elaine’, or ‘Ellen’, or ‘Helen’, or any other icky girls’ name you want to pull out of your arse to dehumanise this brave young man of two weeks and counting. Needless to say, the subtlety of choosing this particular handle was completely lost on the alt-right, who opted instead to sneer at him for demanding the world pretend that the feminine young lady thing who touched our hearts as a single mom in Jumanji was actually a manly man who just happened to have tits and a fanny. Meanwhile, the rest of us marveled at Elliott naming himself after the child star of George Lucas’s ET, himself no stranger to non-binary sexuality having enjoyed a passionate love affair with a cute talking turd with torches for fingers.
Even more impressive was Eliot’s startling transition from cute hipster-chick to hairy-arsed bloke, which he achieved by ditching the lip-gloss and figure-hugging dresses for a baseball cap and baggy t-shirt. Of course, as Eliott has always been a man he was perfectly entitled to continue dressing the same as ‘Elaine’ and embrace his new identity by calling the police every time that bigoted old goat behind the counter in Gregg’s calls him ‘sweetheart’ instead of ‘donkey dick’. But few would deny the herculean commitment required to pull off such a jaw-dropping makeover. Indeed, it takes serious dedication to go from looking like an attractive young actress to looking like an attractive young actress playing a trainee FBI agent disguised as a jogger.
But the best thing about Page announcing that he is and always has been a man is the contribution it makes to society. Because not only does it help disseminate the, like, totes scientific idea that anyone can become a member of the opposite sex by simply saying they are, it also does a huge favour to black men, dog-walkers, and everyone who works in the service industry. Why? Because the demise of ‘Elaine’ Page means the world contains one less privileged white woman in her 30s. Who, as we know, eventually become privileged white women in their 40s. In other words, Elliot has made the world a better place by ensuring it has one less Karren in it.
Yep, thanks to the wonders of modern trans ideology Elliott can now relax, safe in the knowledge that he got out in plenty of time before the overwhelming urge to demand to see the manager every time he sets foot in an insufficiently air-conditioned waffle house took hold. And we can relax too, knowing we were spared the spectacle of a once-principled Hollywood ‘actress’ celebrating impending middle age by reporting young black men for snoring on planes, accusing young black men of stealing their own cars, and calling the police because a young black man stroked her racist labrador in an overly-aggressive ‘ghetto’ manner.
Luckily, there was nothing remotely Karren-esque about Eliot’s behaviour when he was ‘Elaine’. Indeed, ‘she’ was a time-served progressive and you never see them wagging their fingers and sticking their noses into other people’s business. No, that other person who isn’t Eliott simply kept ‘her’ head down and went about ‘her’ business, which mainly involved banging on about ‘her’ mysteriously undefined activist work, making increasingly hysterical chat show appearances, and turning ‘her’ seminal coming-out party of 2014 into never-ending six-year tour: a victimhood roadshow which successfully proved that ‘Elaine’ might not have been the first woman in history to find other women attractive but ‘she’ was undoubtedly the most oppressed.
But as JK Roland’s transformation from principled Remain zealot to genocidal TERF proves, you can’t trust anyone these days, hence Elliot’s decision to nip ‘Elaine’ in the bud before things got out of hand. I dread to think what could have happened had ‘Elaine’ approached being a Karren in the same passionate manner in which ‘she’ milked coming out of the closet. Thankfully, that’s all in the past: ‘Elaine’ is no more – if ‘she’ ever really existed anyway – and there’s zero chance of Elliott ever doing anything evil, despite the fact that he’s now officially a member of the 50% of the population responsible for most of the evil in the world.
Fortunately, ‘Elaine’s fundamentally middle-class woke values seem to have been bequeathed to Eliot. Indeed, it’s an interesting coincidence that people who experience dysphoria are often creatives who just so happen to come from affluent liberal backgrounds. Almost as interesting and coincidental as the fact that boys who end up on hormone therapy because they prefer Cindy dolls to Tonka trucks very often have parents who were already massive SJWs. Indeed, take any actor or musician who comes out as non-binary, from Sam Smithee to Tiler out of Billions, and you can bet your bottom dollar they were a die-hard progressive to begin with. Apart from ‘Bruce’ Janner of course, who was a toxic, violent Republican before changing ‘his’ name and having ‘his’ cock sliced off, at which point she was reborn as a sexy, ultra-feminine angel with no connection whatsoever to anything awful ‘Bruce’ ever did. (Apart from all the medals ‘he’ won, money ‘he’ made, and gay marriages ‘he’ objected to.)
But that’s by-the-by. For now it’s time for Eliott to look to his exciting future as a fully-fledged man. And in much the same way transwomen adapt to being female by baking, going to the Bingo, and tying their hair in bunches, so Elliot will waste no time in adopting male traits: fighting, drinking cans, scratching his arse, smoking tabs out of the side of his mouth, and taking the Racing Post with him when he goes for a shite. And once he’s traded in his wendy house for a power drill he can start really having fun by refusing to let his wife tend to the barbecue and mansplaining the Skynet planner to her every time she forgets to record Top Gears.
It’s all so exciting! I almost wish it was me getting my tits cut off! Not that Elliott appears to be interested in any of that nonsense. You don’t need to mutilate yourself to become a member of the opposite sex: just saying you are does the trick. (Unless you’re a five-year-old in which case it’s vital that we mutilate you sharpish before you change you mind.) Luckily, Eliot is a fully grown adult who lives and works among the dumbest people on earth, so simply declaring himself male is enough for his Hollywood peers to consider him as masculine as the next man, despite the fact that he neither looks nor sounds like one.
Thankfully the film industry is at the forefront of woke agenda-pushing, as demonstrated by the recent trend for allowing million-dollar casting decisions to be dictated by half-a-dozen deranged bottom inspectors on Twitter. Not that this excuses the shockingly high volume of alt-right propaganda they produce but at least it confirms that the brave few intent on promoting woke values and caving in to online outrage mobs are genuine, and not just part of one big financially-motivated ruse designed to ensure their product doesn’t bomb at the box office because a blue-haired lunatic with pronouns in zeir bio found out that the star of the new A-Team reboot is 1/8 of a shade lighter than Mr.Tea.
But that’s a battle for another day. For now let’s just rejoice that a one-time X-Man is now a full-time ex-woman, and savour what is clearly the most life-affirming event of 2020.
Or is it?
Because as beautiful as it is to see liberals everywhere propagate the scientifically sound idea that someone can change sex just by writing an Instabook post – and as reassuring as it is to know that the cis family unit is one step closer to extinction – no truly decent person would deny that the last thing the world needs is another privileged white male.
Indeed, some may even argue that Elliot has undone all of the achievements made by other celebrity trans fxlk such as the Matrix sisters, who selflessly did the world a favour by becoming privileged white females. Does Hollywood need another privileged white male? And not just any privileged white male, but one with knockers? This could set the social justice movement back decades, especially as Elliott has decided to put a female out of work by continuing to play a young lady in hit sitcom The Umbrella People. That’s right: in the name of social justice a white male has taken a job from an oppressed woman. No doubt he’ll get an instant pay rise too. Sickening.
And as for his timing…Jesus H.Corbyn. Presumably he thinks he can do what the hell he wants now he’s in possession of an imaginary cock and balls. There can be no other explanation for Elliott waiting until US progressives are applauding their first truly black president to announce he’s betraying his allies in such a problematic manner. Did you ignore the memo, Ellen? We’re supposed to be wiping straight white men out not creating more of the buggers. Why not just go the whole hog and give that bigot Trump a farewell gobble in the Ovaltine office? He’d probably let you too, the ginger queer.
See, this is the problem with transmen. Because let’s be honest, very few of them have actually earnt their victimhood. You rarely see them demanding to use male toilets, competing in men’s crotchet competitions, or taking beauticians to court because they wouldn’t wax their non-existent bellends. In fact, unlike transwomen they seldom get amongst it, preferring to keep themselves to themselves and leave all the heavy lifting to their hairier, sexier sisters. They may as well be white men. Oh hang on, they usually are.
But sadly, this is all too true of trans folk – male or female – who exist in the real world. Most of them just want to get on with their lives and be treated equally, and have no interest in policing pronouns, sending death threats to journalists, or encouraging children to disfigure themselves. In short: they want to suck up to cis society. And Elaine Page – yes, that’s right, ELAINE – selling out the LGBTQED community by pretending to be a white man is one betrayal too many. I can’t believe I spent over a thousand words talking about how great she is. I hope her invisible cock falls off.