By Ben Pensant.
The last few weeks have seen more left-wing bravery than you can shake a shitty duffle coat at. We’ve witnessed St. Greta singlehandedly save the planet by skiving off school to do handstands on a yacht. We watched in awe as Jezza coolly despatched fuzzy-wigged fascist Andrew Neal with the simple tactic of refusing to answer a single question. And let’s not forget brave terrorist Osman Khan, who gave his life fighting off racist bullies who attacked him for no reason while minding his own business carrying out the popular Islamic custom of murdering people on London Bridge.
But even these jawdropping acts of defiance don’t come close to the sheer pluckiness of progressive comic Nish Kular, who somehow escaped unscathed last week after being heckled by a pack of rabid Tories and Brexiteers, one of whom viciously assaulted him with a breadbun.
Luckily, as traumatic as it was the whole sorry incident actually invigorated the left by shining a light on the brutal racism of Tories and Brexiteers, giving a huge boost to Labour’s election campaign. Don’t be surprised if tomorrow morning, thanks to Nish, Mr Corbyn’s loyal footman Owen is spotted stitching the names ‘Lovely Laura’ and ‘Jez Da Bomb’ onto the PM’s official No.10 bathrobes in place of ‘Blonde Bastard’ and ‘Little Miss Bucket Fanny’.
Of course, alt-right trolls were quick to minimise Nish’s ordeal by pointing out that comedians die on their arse up and down the country every night. But the difference is most of them are white and right-wing therefore they thoroughly deserve it, whereas Nish is liberal and Indian-or-something so clearly doesn’t. Sadly, he learnt the hard way what happens when left-wing comics step outside of their safe BBC bubble. They don’t deserve you, mate.
Needless to say, after cracking some clever gags about Brexit which went right over their bulbous heads, the toxic white audience turned on Nish, forcing him offstage with the help of the aforementioned airborne edible: doubly disrespectful when you consider that Islam views doughy baked goods as highly blasphemous. So well done, righties – as well as trying to kill a marginalised Muslim you’ve also condemned him to a bollocking from his Iman for being in the vicinity of a forbidden foodstuff. At least we now know who to blame when he turns up on Have We Got News For You with a missing hand.
Unsurprisingly, all manner of right-wingers jumped to the bullies’ defence. “It was a charity do for sick kids, not an episode of The Smash Report!” they bleated, as if the sickening event at London’s Grossvenor House was some kind of peace summit. I was about to say I hope the little shits choked on their gastric feeding tubes but as the rug-rats in question were probably the children of IDF generals I’d much rather they got bummed to death first.
Yep, in news that surprised precisely no-one, it turned out that the fundraiser was organised by a shady pro-Israel group, a group so shady and pro-Israel I neither know who they are, what they’re called, nor can provide a scrap of evidence to prove my entirely speculative claim that they had anything to do with the event. That’s how shady these bastards are.
Once aware of this unsubstantiated fact it becomes clear that the decision to ask a practising Muslim to perform was pure provocation, clearly designed to lure Nish into the Zion’s Den so they could humiliate him before fatally wounding the hapless funnyman with flour and dough. Because like all decent liberals, Nish’s only crime is to see the best in everyone, even imaginary Mossad agents using a children’s charity as a front to make Muslim comics look silly. Well if being a principled leftist makes one a criminal then kindly can arrest me now and throw me in a cell alongside an 18-stone bald lifer with fists like wrecking balls and a Top Cat tattoo on his left bum-cheek. Seriously, I’m not kidding. Lock me up and feed me to Big Brenda before I do anything vaguely progressive again. For the love of Sheeva, do it NOW!!
Thankfully the left-wing response was as supportive, compassionate, and transparently partisan as you’d expect, from fellow comics congratulating Nish on becoming the first Asian comic ever to bomb on stage, to concerned authoritarians demanding the savage crowd are arrested for assault with a deadly brioche.
But the reaction of the right was typically disturbing, as not for the first time devious Tory trolls cynically tried to curry favour with the public by masquerading as reasonable, mature adults. Which they achieved by going on Twitter and demanding Nish is sacked and arrested. Who do they think they are? Us?
They even ripped a page out of our playbook by taking a comment Nish made last month and pretending he said it at the Grossvenor to emphasise how thoroughly insulted the bread-throwing racists were and back up the campaign to have him nicked for telling jokes. Unfortunately this petty plan backfired as the gag they were so triggered by was actually edgy and erudite, which explains why it offended the Brexit-Boomers’ misshapen racist ears. Indeed, Nish’s wry suggestion that everyone go home and kill their Brexity parents was as on-brand as left-centric comedy gets, in that it wasn’t funny, contained no discernible punchline, and was a thinly-veiled variation on a far superior joke by a long dead comic. (Evil southern atheist Bill Hickson, in case you’re wondering. If ever a stand-up could do with having his material remixed by a genius like Nish it was this redneck loser.)
Predictably the righties pounced and accused Nish of incitement, blissfully unaware that left-wingers are incapable of it. Obviously if a Tory comic made the same gag about Remain voters he would want locking up immediately. But that’s because Tory comics are evil. And as anyone with half a Gender Studies degree knows, to suggest that Remain voters should be murdered is the most blatant example of punching down since Traci Ullman appropriated St. Jezza’s beard and mocked his jam-making skills.
And let’s just say Nish was capable of incitement and his comment was a genuine call for white people to slaughter their racist grandmas. So what? Is the fairly mundane observation that Brexit voters deserve to be shot or stabbed to death now considered a bad thing? Have we really come to this?
The same astonishing ignorance could be seen last week after a video emerged showing alt-right blogger Greedo Fawkes tricking an assortment of proud Corbynites into admitting that Jezza was an antisemite. What the brick-thick bigots rejoicing at this supposed ‘gotcha!’ failed to realise was that there is a simple reason these left-wing warriors thought the Corbyn quotes Fawkes read to them were antisemitic when they believed they were said by Boris Johnston: Jezza has been fighting racism all his life while Boris is a cunt. End of.
Because like Nish, Jezza is incapable of racism. He can’t do it. It’s literally the only thing he’s shit at. He’s not just anti-racist: he is Anti-Racism. (As well as Love, Tolerance, and Forgiveness.) You could spot Jezza at a Klan rally or a Mauricey gig and he still wouldn’t be racist. He doesn’t know how. Bojo on the other hand – more like BOZO! – just has to make a silly comment about letterboxes or use the langage of imperialism to mock Tony Bliar’s white saviour complex and he’s the most racist man on the planet. And a cunt. End of.
But this is what we’ve come to expect from the far-right: stealing our best moves and behaving as hysterically censorious as the most dedicated left-wing SJW. Luckily, they’re so stupid they don’t realise that this actually helps the left. Because right-wing internet warriors with a hard-on for hypersensitivity are basically leftists-in-waiting. Like us, they don’t really care about politics but they absolutely love being part of a group who hate another group. In other words: indescribably easy to mould.
Luckily the internet is chock full of people who get off on discussing politics despite knowing sod all about it, and they all love nothing more than an opportunity to send death threats to journalists. Latching on to this group over there as a means to be nasty to that group over here is practically a rites of passage in the infantile warzone of Political Twitter. And brilliantly, there are new converts every where you look.
Because with a bit of tweaking, even the very worst people – Tories, Brexiteers, lesbians – can be just as deranged as us. It’s not their fault they’ve chosen the wrong side, the poor saps, and we should treat them with the same compassion we would afford anyone else whose brain we’re planning to rinse. Which is a piece of piss when the thick twats you’re trying to turn have all the intelligence of an empty crisp packet. Thankfully, after Jezza cruises to victory tonight the indoctrination can begin in earnest, and any right-wingers whose tiny minds remain unswayed after six months of Labour rule will be put to work cleaning the Hide Park gulag or hung from a lamppost on Downing Street.
And the beautiful thing is it’s liberals like Nish – poor, traumatised Nish – who’ll reap the rewards as hordes of fresh-egg leftists flock to his gigs and laugh their backs off at his daring jokes about how frightfully awful Leave voters are. He may have to be quick though, as my Labour mole informs me that within weeks of reclaiming the No 10 throne Jezza plans to ban stand-up comedy altogether. It was only a matter of time. Apologies, Nish. In a perfect world we’d happy for the likes of yourself and Francesca Martini to carry on performing but the possibility one of you might revolt and crack a mild joke about Corbyn’s beard or change your mind about his bold economic policies once you’ve been forced to eat your own children is just too risky. Sorry, pal. I don’t make the rules, I just follow them.
However, all is not lost. Rumour has it that while Jezza has no intention of ever lifting the ban, there will be ample opportunities for ethically correct comics to perform at private banquets in Lord Jezza’s court, free from the prying eyes of the impressionable public who are so wild and unpredictable they’re liable to rob a takeaway or murder their own children if they hear so much a knock-knock joke.
Fear not though, Nish. I’m sure jezza will remember the sterling work you’ve done promoting left-wing ideology, as well as being eternally grateful for the way you selflessly swung the election in Labour’s favour by getting twatted on the head with a crusty roll. I’ve no doubt in time the honour of giving an intimate, behind-closed-doors show for the the Supreme Leader of Ukasia will become a sought after privilege. Indeed, give it a year and I’m certain these star-studded gala nights will be spoken about by leftist comics in the same reverential tones as Malcolm X’s famous “I have in my hand a piece of paper” speech. So keep your chin up, Nish. When the time comes to start hiring cooks, dishwashers and car valets I’m sure you’ll be at the top of the list.
It’s no less than you deserve.