By Ben Pensant

One of the best things about the modern left is our willingness to put ourselves in danger. Whether it’s risking assault by going out in public with our faces painted EU-blue, or putting our lives on the line reporting Twitter accounts with ten followers for calling Lady Thornberry a drunken arsehole, what separates us from the cowardly right is our selfless disregard for personal safety. And in 2019 there are few places as unsafe as comedy clubs.

Which is why a fortnight ago I grew some phaloplastic girl-balls and threw myself into the lion’s den that is The Strand, Newcastle. And it’s an evening I’ll never forget. Indeed, it’s taken me two weeks to muster the courage to revisit that terrible night. Because what I witnessed will be burnt onto my memory even longer than that grot movie where the two girls drink each other’s shit, a film so repulsive I had to delete it from my hard drive after the fifteenth viewing.

Sadly, there’ll be no such easy erasure for the brutality I witnessed the weekend before last. Because this was no ordinary comedy night, where decent leftists crack edgy gags about Donald Trumpton’s hair or the racist stupidity of Leave voters. No, this was something else: the world’s most offensive comedian, a walking, talking monster who styles himself as “the only comic who campaigns against human rights”. This wasn’t the smug sophistication of Richard Heron or the wacky blandness of Harold Kumar. This was the spite-filled bigotry of Scottish Zionist Gerry Sadowitz and I pray to Allah I never experience it again.

But I will. Because this is what we do. Though why this hateful Highland beast is still filling shitty basement clubs decades after being banned from television is a mystery. Then again, with fascism on the rise and hate crime levels being wildly exaggerated daily, is it any surprise the far-right have infiltrated the comedy scene?

I won’t dignify Sadowitz by repeating his repellent ‘jokes’, partly out of respect for my readers but mainly because I successfully erased them from my memory after two weeks of intensive therapy consisting of long lie-ins, regular naps, and repeatedly watching that video of Aaron Bastardi DESTROYING Skynet News by claiming Beth Rugby had said something then shitting his pants like a pro when it was pointed out she hadn’t.

Suffice to say Gerry stuck the boot into gays, midgets, Muslims, transwomen and foreigners with all the sensitivity of a rabid pit-bull, at one point even showing a complete lack of respect for the disabled by mocking that weather girl with the stumpy arm. Blacks, browns, yellows and reds felt the full force of his fascism too, in amongst obligatory gags about Scots, Jews and white men, crowbarred in to give the impression he treats everyone with equal contempt rather than just the groups he’s been told to take the piss out of by Rupert Maxwell and The Daily Fail.

This vile vein continued with his ultra-offensive ‘political’ material, an endless toonarmy of violent attacks on socialism, Lord Jezza, and Dame Diane Abbot. Again, to maintain the illusion of ‘balance’ he meekly took the piss out of the Tories and the Royals too, though it was painfully obvious how uncomfortable it was for this working-class Glaswegian to stick the boot into the English ruling classes.

Worst of all, after bullying traumatised Remainers and brazenly admitting to voting Leave, Sadowitz had the gall to suggest that in the real world most people couldn’t care less about Brexit. Dear me. Like so many fascist fruitcakes before him, Gerry has swallowed whole the dangerous, dishonest, demonstrably true narrative that only MPs, journalists, and self-important bores on social media spend their lives obsessing over Brexit when everyone knows it’s actually MPs, journalists, and self-important Good People. (As well as loads of flag-waving fascists but the least said about them the better.)

Predictably, the only person Gerry said anything nice about was President Pussy Grab. Indeed, the foul Scot repeatedly confessed his admiration for Agent Orange, causing audible gasps, several walkouts, and three heart attacks before losing the room completely, with as few as 295 out of 300 people laughing at every word while the rest of us sat stony-faced.

But as vile as his love for The Donald was, the most disturbing aspect of this grim evening was the audience: pinned to their seats, grinning maniacally, terrified of being taken into the beer garden and hung for not giving sufficient respect to a ranting loon in a top hat poking fun at the IRA.

Most worryingly, amongst the sea of privileged white faces I spotted an Indian couple, three black lads, and a Chinee. Yes, really. Horrified that these marginalised millennials had attended an event designed to disenfranchise them, I approached their tables, demanded to know why they hadn’t walked out and politely asked them to leave. Sadly these interventions were met with a barrage of abuse and a threat of Judo-inspired violence from the self-hating Oriental, forcing me to retreat to my seat and lament the way British society turns harmless ethnics into hate-filled thugs.

Whether their insistence on ignoring me as I stood in front of them blocking their view was a result of brainwashing or a desperate desire to appease white supremacy remains a mystery. Either way, it doesn’t take a genius to see this is what happens when minorities are forced to assimilate. The sooner St. Jezza becomes PM and passes a law banning non-whites from comedy clubs the better.

As the show reached its climax the tension in the room was unbearable, the audience stunned into silence as if locked in communal prayer. Sensing their nightmare would soon be over they pleaded with Muhammad for safe passage, avoiding eye contact with the plain-clothed Nazis patrolling the aisles and prodding anyone not laughing with invisible nightsticks. But Sadowitz had no intention of letting his prisoners go peacefully, saving the worst for last and showing his true Hebrew colours by performing a series of card tricks.

Mercifully, after lodging a fictional complaint about an audience member spotted reading The Establishment: And How They Smell Like Poo I was able to slip out while the fascist heavy on the door stopped playing with her pigtails for five minutes to investigate. Knowing the Nazis’ historical obsession with black magic it was inevitable Sadowitz would try to bewitch his entire audience in the name of UKIP, but there was no way I was becoming one of his brainwashed minions.

Of course, this won’t be the last time he pulls this sinister subterfuge as deception and deceit are bread and butter to card-carrying Zios. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if he hypnotised the whole audience and sent us into a deep sleep so he could rifle through our pockets, or put us under a spell which will make us stab the nearest Muslim to death the next time we hear the theme tune from Seinfield.

Luckily I escaped with only mental scars. Though I almost sustained physical ones too when the male half of the Indian couple brutally barged me out of the way following my peaceful attempt to block his wife from leaving until she’d explained why she sold out her sisters by laughing at Sadowitz’s offensive Pakistani accent. Needless to say, I hold no grudge as this tragic pair are clearly unaware of their own internalised Islamophobia. But should hubby follow up on his promise to knock my ‘fucking teeth out’ if he ever sees me again I will be left with no option but to report him to The Muslim Brotherhood. Don’t make me do it, Vijay.

Feeling shaken and threatened by such unreasonable behaviour I exited immediately before the Japanee came at me with another Karate chop or the three black lads tried to pop a cap in my bottom. It speaks volumes about the damage stand-up comedy is inflicting on the world that all it takes is a long-haired comic to radicalise oppressed POCs into becoming spiteful bigots so prone to hatred and abuse they might as well be white. But from Lewis CK to John Cheese, everywhere you look a privileged male ‘funnyman’ is abusing the freedom to say what the hell he likes no matter many New Statesperson columnists it offends.

Thankfully the tide is turning, and last week a brave reporter from The Vice followed my lead by going undercover at notorious alt-right open mic night Comedy Unbound, a weekly festival of hate organised by Andrew Doylem, the self-hating homosexual behind tired SJW spoof Titania McGhee.

Held at a top secret location in London – deliberately chosen for its uncanny resemblance to those Dusseldorf beerhalls the Nazis used to smash up for playing R&B – the night was as eyepoppingly right-wing as you’d expect. Thankfully, since being exposed by The Vice, Doylem’s club has received a barrage of condemnation from hundreds of educated progressives who’ve never actually been to it. Indeed, the fact that most of the comics who’ve performed there aren’t even right-wing was cleverly ignored by all the brave liberals sticking their heads above the parapet to tell everyone how racist it is.

As well as the endless parade of conservative brutes cracking ‘topical’ gags about how awesome that ginger Nazi in the Shite House is, the celebrity guests given the VIP treatment were a veritable Who’s Who? of modern fascism, with Paul, Joseph & Watson and Toby Jones spotted guzzling fried chicken with Mick Griffin and the ghost of Hitler.

All of whom fit in perfectly with the grubby clientele: a sordid assortment of Tories, Incel Ultras, and heartless entitled bastards who think being white and cis-gendered gives them a god given right to pay money to laugh at jokes. And it’s thanks to these giggling ghouls that monstrous MELTS like Sadowitz are allowed to earn a living saying amusing sentences to people who want to hear them. Capitalism in all its vulgar glory. Meanwhile, thanks to the proliferation of alt-right comics clogging up the circuit, genuinely funny comedians – i.e left-wing ones – are denied the chance to shine and forced to make ends meet by slumming it on hugely popular nationally syndicated panel shows.

Still, at least we have brave allies like myself and that queer from The Vice risking our lives on the frontline, exposing the horror of modern stand-up using facts, reportage, and bare-faced lies. In the meantime let’s leave the last word to hilarious Kiwi comic Nanette Gadsby, who electrified social media last year by taking the dark, experimental, joke-free stand-up pioneered by Stuart Lee and re-packaging it for woke perverts with blue hair. Her simple but devastating wisdom offers a beautiful vision of how exciting modern comedy could be if it were cleansed of dangerous bigots like Sadowitz and Doylem:

“I don’t want to unite you with laughter”

You never will, Nanette. You never will.