Shaking Plans For Nigel


Brave Pete Crowther protests Climate Change or something outside Presto, Lobley Hill.

By Ben Pensant

It’s always nice to see Newcastle in the news. Indeed, it seems like only yesterday I was bursting with pride after reading about the marginalised Muslims from the West End who courageously stuck two fingers up to Western supremacy by importing the quaint Islamic custom of plying children with 20/20 and raping them in chip shops. (Shame the bubble burst when the yo-yo knickered racists who goaded these men into molesting them ran to the filth as soon as the booze ran out but hey, that’s modern Britain for you.)

But even that couldn’t touch the warm glow I felt on Monday watching a fellow Geordie utterly destroy the Brexshit Party with one flick of an overpriced milkshake. Because when roly-poly warrior Pete Crowther hurled that fruity beverage at Nigel Farrage outside Fenwick’s he wasn’t merely making a card-carrying fascist look like a proper ‘nana: he was striking a blow for everyone who refuses to accept the far-right myth that political opponents should be enaged and challenged rather than shut down and pelted with ice cream.

Fact is, you don’t defeat thugs like Nazi Nige with debate and disagreement: you do it by throwing dairy products and inspiring more people to vote for them. Which Crowther achieved superbly, earning a permanent place in the hearts of die-hard Remainers, who will never forget his laconic cool, shitty beard, and non-gendered throwing technique. He is without doubt the hero the left deserves.

But while Pete’s antics sent an army of educated people with letters after their names into spasms of joy, even better was to come. Because the left-wing reaction was arguably even more beautiful than the act itself.

As anyone who’s spent more than five minutes on social media knows, whenever some right-wing violence, imtimidation, or old fashioned fuck-wittery occurs, an assortment of MPs, journalists, and Bottom Inspectors will instantly blame it on people who had nowt to do with it. Right-wing newspapers, right-wing politicians, right-wing psychologists, right-wing podcast hosts who aren’t even right-wing… Anyone other than the person who mocked the POC, assaulted the immigrant, or shot up the mosque will be held responsible, despite the complete lack of evidence proving that the perpetrators either read The Scum or pay attention to anything Boris Johnston says.

Whether it’s the Easyjet racist or the Granville Tower effigy burners, neither a shred of proof that they learnt their bigoted ideology from the right-wing press nor a single example of one of these revolting papers telling people to abuse black women on airplanes or set fire to cardboard tower blocks filled with immigrants will be presented.

Which is because no such evidence exists. Not that that stops educated liberals like James O’Brian and David Schreider sending Twitter into a frenzy with their incisive takes on the gradual radicalisation that happens to readers of The Daily Fail, a process they are wisely reluctant to explore when it comes to the Kerrang, a holy book which literally instructs its followers to kill people. Well played lads!

Centrist blogger-cum-Antifa supporter Bob From Broccolli even pinned part of the blame for the recent San Diego synagogue shooting on Sue-Ellen Braverman, the creepy conservative who disgraced herself last year by referencing ‘cultural marxism’, a phrase used exclusively by Nazis and not simply lazy shorthand for the obvious left-wing bias that has existed in universities for decades. Because as we know, Californian white supremacists are renowned for being big fans of obscure Tory MP’s from Fareham.

What united these titans was the way none of them applied their well-worn rules of incitement to either the milkshaking of Farrage or the spate of similar attacks it inspired. Indeed, they offered neither a syllable of condemnation for the left-wing papers, pundits, and politicians who’ve spent months calling Farrage a far-right fascist, nor a moment’s consideration as to how – by their own logic – this may have influenced the exciting spate of milkshake hurlings electrifying British politics.

Left-wing responses ranged from “it’s no big deal!” to “he deserved it!”, both camps conjuring the spirit of Joe Cox to illustrate the huge difference between milkshakes and bullets. Indeed, it’s a tribute to Joe’s enduring legacy that she continues to fight fascism from beyond the grave, though it’s amazing she gets any peace in the afterlife with her corpse being dug up and exploited by leftists every five minutes.

As demonstrated by whataboutery-spouting progressives on Twitter, mentioning Cox is a perfect way to put Crowther’s attack in perspective. Because as daring as Pete’s act of ideological warfare was, it’s not the same as firing a gun (though fingers crossed someone tries that next time). And for anyone worried that the left have suddenly discovered the concept of ‘degrees’, fear not: normal service will be resumed the next time a comedian is exposed as a predator and compared to Harvey Wankstain because he once forgot to hold a door open for his date.

Meanwhile, the “he deserved it!” crowd correctly pointed out that while milkshake may be nothing like bullets, fresh farm produce is way worse. Hence Crowther’s act of self-defence against Farrage was re-imagined as payback for the attempt on Jeremy Corbyn’s life earlier this year when a murderous far-right fascist tried to kill him with an egg. Some also stressed that as Farrage is a fascist – unlike Jezza or anyone left-wing – he’s a legitimate target for attack via foodstuff. Though as was pointed out by several Good People on Twitter, it would be far more effective to ditch the milkshake in favour of petrol, boiling water, or hydrochloric acid.

Happily, Crowther’s brave performance has already inspired copycat shake-attacks, with heroic leftists turning up to Farrage’s tour bus armed with paper cups, forcing the yellow-bellied chancer to hide upstairs like a puff. As various principled liberals opined on Twitter, this is how you deal with bullies: by intimidating them and shutting them down. Soooo brave. Almost as brave as the probably fictional die-hard Remainer who threw a milkshake that looked suspiciously like a yoghurt at that Brexshit pensioner outside a polling station in Aldershot. Staged or not, to paraphrase Alan Parker’s Scum: you steal young man’s futures you get young man’s stick. Suck it up, grandad.

But it isn’t just racist coffin dodgers feeling the pinch – courageous leftists have also been turning up to Tommy Robertson events armed with bricks and glass, a hot new trend unheard of in the days before throwing drinks at fascists became the new normal. That this also seems to have inspired dipshits to chuck stuff at left-wingers – such as anti-Brexit campaigner Femi Moses, violently doused with water by flag-waving thugs on Wednesday – only adds to the excitement.

As the Cox killing demonstrated, there’s nothing the left love more than one of our own being targeted. Indeed, that the new dawn of food-based political violence has already escalated into attacks on all sides will do our sense of victimhood no harm whatsoever. That we’ve gone from hoying stuff that might stain a politician’s suit to things that could bruise or blind one in less than a week is something we can all be proud of.

Because it’s win-win for the left. If someone a little more unhinged than Crowther slips half a pint of acid in his McFluffy before hurling it at a Brexshit Party candidate then we can all celebrate the glorious act and laugh hard at someone we disagree with being scarred for life. And if something similar or worse happens to an anti-Brexit candidate? Even better! Because as satisfying as it is to see physical pain inflicted on people with different opinions, nothing is as joyous as the warm glow of victimhood. So bring it on righties – it’s your funeral.

Needless to say, there was zero talk of ‘complicity’, ‘escalation’ or ‘dangerous rhetoric’ despite the fact that if Chucky Umunna or Lady Nugent had been hit with a milkshake you wouldn’t be able to move for Guardian columns about complicity, escalation, and dangerous rhetoric. Indeed, social media would be positively drowning in left-wing hot takes decrying the Murdoch empire for goading a dumb white male into spunking a fiver on a carton of sugary mush for no other purpose than to annoy some gobshite politician and make the thrower feel manly, important, and, like, totally revolutionary.

In a nutshell, we’re allowed to do this stuff because we’re better than them. End of. They can present our refusal to acknowledge the role the liberal media played in radicalising an army of milkshake wielders as proof of the modern left’s cognitive dissonance all they like, but as usual they’re missing the point. Because unlike the classless Brexiteers, we don’t brag about our achievements like obnoxious children: we let our milkshakes do the talking. Left-wing pundits should be proud that their rhetoric has led to people on all sides of the aisle living in constant fear of airborne liquid refreshments and the fact that we’re gently applauding these outcomes rather than shouting from the rooftops only emphasises how much better we are.

Of course, in the Real World – that desolate wasteland that exists outside of newspaper offices, Twitter timelines and TV studios – most people aren’t easily incited, don’t take their cues from pundits and politicians, and are generally aware that if someone throws something at a public figure who disagrees with them it’s probably because they’re an arsehole rather than because a journalist told them to. They also tend to know that throwing a milkshake or a cup of water is about as ‘violent’ as a baby mouse wet-farting the theme tune to Rocky 6. And those Real World folk are right. 50% of the time. Because as all Good People know, what is ‘hilarious’, and ‘no big deal’ when it happens to a right-wing politician is ‘hateful’ and a ‘vicious attack’ when it happens to a left-wing one.

Thankfully, the Real World doesn’t exist on social media or among the political class, where everything a person does – be it good like milkshaking Farrage or bad like egging Jezza – is always because of something an MP or journalist said. And the worse it is the easier it is to blame on the other side.

So simple yet so hopelessly lost on the right-wing crybabies still bawling their eyes out. But even worse is the way they’ve pulled their usual trick of attempting to claim victimhood by brazenly stealing the left’s best moves. So while internet liberals demonstrated their commitment to peace and tolerance by supporting the intimidation of opponents and the weaponization of rat poison, right-wingers demonstrated their dedication to free speech by reporting people to their employers and trying to get them sacked for saying naughty stuff on the internet.

That’s right – one minute they’re calling us ‘snowflakes’ for objecting to the aggressive rhetoric of those dipsticks in yellow tabards harassing leftists outside Buckingham Palace, the next they’re copying us by comparing the launching of a non-lethal substance at a politician to an act of terrorism and demanding the hero who threw it goes to jail.

So for every progressive saying that Farrage deserves everything he gets there’s an alt-right thug saying the same about Femi. For every Remainer who complained to the BBC after the Tory dwarf off Lord Of The Flies banged his hand on a desk on Question Time there’s a Brexiteer grassing up liberals for making inane comments about acid attacks. And for every brave Corbynite who screamed ‘hate crime!’ after an egg was smashed on Jezza’s bonce but giggled and cheered when Crowther threw his drink at Farrage there’s a fascist cretin attacking the petulant tactics of the left despite laughing his cock off when the Labour leader got splatted.

If you didn’t know better you think the internet was rammed with partisan toddlers who couldn’t care less about intellectual consistency and will excuse any wrongdoing carried out by their tribe in the same hysterical manner they condemn it in yours. Unfortunately you’d be wrong as these partisan toddlers only exist on one side. And we all know which side that is.

Still, as joyous as it’s been seeing Nigel Numbnuts reduced to a laughing stock, what’s even more important is the blow the milkshake attack dealt his chances in yesterday’s Euro elections, with the polls predicting a Labour landslide as a direct result of his cowardice being laid bare. Indeed, after The Nude European editor’s perfectly pitched tweet about Brexshit Party supporters pissing themselves, the explosive story revealing Farrage’s ingenious plan to steal votes by placing an arrow in his party’s logo, and the shocking trauma endured by TV brainbox Dan Snowden after a racist campaign leaflet grew legs, climbed through his letterbox and hijacked his post, it’s pretty clear that when the results come in at the weekend the evil right-wingers determined to destroy democracy by respecting it will be dealt a severe bloody nose.

And when that happens we will all owe a huge debt of gratitude to the young man who made it happen with nothing more than wit, bravery, and a burning desire to see his hairy round face on the news.

Roll on Sunday!


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