By Ben Pensant

Life changes fast these days. Indeed, as Matthew Roderick said in The Breakfast Club, “If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could end up missing someone getting dogpiled on Twitter”. Granted, that iconic piece of dialogue should be quoted with caution as it was written by an evil Republican. In fact, I’d have no complaints if you reported me to the nearest rainbow truncheon-wielding police officer simply for repeating it. However, as all students of ’70s cinema know, Ted Hughes was a notorious plagiariser, so it’s a safe bet he stole that line from a superior left-wing filmmaker like Ken Roach or Sly ‘Sylvester’ Stallone. Which explains why it popped into my head just now.

Either way, if you close your eyes and pretend it was scripted by a progressive rather than a dead right-winger with appalling taste in shirts it’s a deeply positive sentiment full of wisdom and vimto. And it’s one that’s ever-present in the minds of modern leftists terrified of missing the memo informing them that a viewpoint considered perfectly acceptable on Monday has morphed into the most dangerous idea since Hitler split the atom by the weekend. No-one wants to be the last New Statesmxn reader to find out it’s mandatory to capitalise the word ‘BLACK’ or that it’s deeply transphobic for lesbians to hold hands with other lesbians.

Thankfully, the most dedicated progressives – me, Jeremy Corbyn, that Canadish transwoman who took a beautician to court for refusing to wax her arsecrack – have no trouble keeping up with the latest developments. And we’re equally comfortable educating and lambasting reactionary bozos who refuse to get with the frickin’ pogrom. So a quick primer:

• While free speech may have been a principle dear to leftists’ hearts back in the ’90s, in 2021 it’s a tedious, problematic inconvenience that only matters to right-wing comics furious that they don’t get to make fun of ‘pakis’ and ‘woofters’ anymore.

• While ten years ago it was generally agreed that men had penises and women had v*****s, to even suggest such a thing nowadays makes you a bigot, a conversion therapist, and a genocidal maniac who wants to eradicate the planet’s transwomen population by banning them from pissing in front of ten-year-old girls.

• While liberals have long agreed that harassing and assaulting people on the streets because they’re Jewish is Not On, in this day and age the only people who still think that are Zionist shills, anti-Corbyn Nazis, and dumb female music hacks with names that sound a bit like ‘fart’.

Approach every interaction with these bullet points in mind and you can’t go wrong. And if you still go wrong then belt up and take the abusive DMs like a (trans)man. Fortunately, while keeping up with the OJ Joneses is paramount, it’s worth remembering that change isn’t everything. Because some things never change. And one such thing is the glorious fact that no matter where you are or what time it is, there will always be a gang of hard leftists trying to get someone sacked for taking the piss out of them.

True, in recent years there’s often a gang of hard rightists trying to get someone sacked for taking the piss out of them too. But they’re nowhere near as good at it and their targets are rubbish. Frankie Boil? Katie Brand? Charlie State and Naga Mingemunchy? One is a racist scotch bastard, the other’s a pretend feminist who regularly fat-shames herself, and the last two work for the Brexit Broadcasting Corporation. You can cancel the lot of them for all I care.

No, it’s on the left where you find the people who really excel at this stuff, the uber-grasses who take their hatred of jokes they don’t like to fantastical extremes. For them, snitching isn’t just a fun hobby: it’s their catnip, their lifeblood, their reason to get out of bed in the afternoon. Which is why the Cult of Corbyn continue to protect their hero, even though thanks to the racist British electorate he’s about as relevant as a cutting edge gag about Noel Gallacher’s eyebrows.

Indeed, Kool Aid Corbynites are like those Vietcong snipers who’ve been hiding in the jungle for the past fifty years patiently waiting for the next US offensive. Because as all leftists know, no war is ever truly over. Which is why we were primed for combat when evil centrist Gary Newbon took a potshot at our lord and saviour last week, unleashing a torrent of tankie fury not seen since that time Ken Starmer pumped in the House of Commons and blamed it on Jezza.

For anyone living under a rock, Newbon is the fake academic who recently felt our wrath after tweeting a photo purporting to show Corbyn reading The Fourth Protocol of the Elders of Zio to a group of schoolchildren. And to add insult to injury, the book which had been crudely photoshopped to resemble The Fourth Protocol… was actually The Bear Who Came to Tea by popular children’s author and time-served Corbyn cultist Martin Rosen.

So not only did Newbon mock a beloved book that has brought joy to millions, he also disrespected a harmless childrens’ story about bears. Sickening. Luckily we had Rosen and Jezza’s backs, immediately inundating both Twitter and Newbon’s employers with angry complaints demanding punishment. Particularly vociferous was former sci-fi author Simon Magann, whose brave, passionate, and feverishly obsessive response to Newbon’s foul tweet was to spend all day reporting and re-reporting him to Northumberland University, the corrupt higher education institution which inexplicably employs ‘Doctor’ Newbon, presumably because the government’s lopsided diversity quotas require all colleges to give at least one job to a far-right fascist who smells of shit. Our grounds for his dismissal hinged on a brilliantly disingenuous attempt to turn the tables and accuse Newbon of antisemitism, despite the fact that the photo-shopped picture he posted was clearly attacking antisemitism. Because it’s not just jokes we don’t like that get our goat, what really annoys us are jokes we don’t understand.

All of which was no less than Newbon deserved. Because his vile accusations would have been revolting enough at any time, but to pounce when the far-left are already under attack due to the diabolical situation in Israel takes some nerve. Yep, this pretend professor is so tone deaf he decided to unveil his dirty little meme just as leftists are literally fighting for their lives and defending progressive values by attacking Jews on the streets of London and New York. But he didn’t just offend the frontline warriors: he also dished out a huge kick in the teeth to their media allies who’ve been fearlessly ignoring those leftists fighting for their lives and defending progressive values by attacking Jews on the streets of London and New York. A decent person would stay in their lane at such a sensitive time but not Newbon. No, he thinks this is the perfect time to launch an unprovoked cyber attack on a kind jam-maker who’s spent his life opposing all forms of racism and a gentle kiddies’ poet who just happens to be one of the only non-shifty Jews on Twitter. Shameful.

Luckily, those of us dobbing him in either didn’t know this or didn’t care, and within hours both the tweet and Newbon’s account had been deleted. At present his whereabouts are unknown and the investigation by Northumberland Uni is ongoing, though a few days ago his four-eyed mug was plastered all over The Spacktator, which ran a vile, fawning piece by self-hating homo-jock Stephen Paisley. Needless to say, Newbon dug himself an even deeper hole by appearing in that Nazi fanzine, a fanzine so full of Nazism I’ve still never read it. All things considered, it’s fair to say Newbon won’t be presenting Match of the Day again any time soon.

See, this is what happens when you mess with the masters. Everyone and his weird militant uncle knows The Fourth Protocol… isn’t really antisemitic, it simply posits the demonstrably sane idea that Jews are behind every bad thing ever. Which in case you forgot, is a perfectly agreeable view shared by people the former Labour leader has spent his career defending and supporting. Which means it couldn’t possible be racist because Jezza isn’t racist. Kapeesh? The fact that we’re still making this point six years since he burst onto the scene is outrageous but I guess this is what happens when people are too wrapped up in their grubby ideology to think straight.

But it’s their loss. Personally, I’d be be over the moon if Corbyn sat me on his knee and read me that iconic tome. And I’ve no doubt he’d be happy to whisper sweet blood libels into my ear too. Luckily, the Angel of Islington is an old hand at this game, and he responded on Twitter – where else?! – with a cheeky post expressing how ‘saddened’ he was that anyone might suggest he would share this ‘antisemitic falsehood’. Ha. He might have about as much influence on world events as the Romanian orphan who irons Pritti Patel’s scanties but he’s still an absolute boy when it comes to trolling the fash’.

And he was utterly correct too. Corbyn would never share antisemitic falsehoods. Why bother when he can write forewords for books that promote them, invite ‘honoured citizens’ who spread them for tea and sandwiches, or refer to murderous terrorists whose entire ideology is informed by them as ‘friends’ who are ‘dedicated to peace and social justice’?

The sad thing is, Newbon could have been one of us if he’d just wound his bloody neck in. Because much like Rachel O’Riley and Tracey Ann Doberman, Newbon has a decent pedigree for reacting to mild disagreements on the internet in the same petulant manner as we do. And as demonstrated by a brief Twitter exchange he had with a witty, handsome young man last year, Newbon is just as incapable of understanding how satire works as the proud leftists calling for his head.

Because during this breathtaking chat Newbon played the role of decent liberal to a tee, passionately arguing that Boris Johnston’s infamous column about “picaninnies with watermelon smiles” was deeply racist. And when his witty, handsome opponent pathetically argued that the piece was actually critiquing racism by using imperialist language to mock Tony Bliar’s white saviour complex, Newbon responded like so many leftists before him and blocked the witty, handsome young man immediately. Take that pretty boy!

So you’d think Newbon of all people would understand what Rosen and his army of snitches mean when they say his crude tweet was antisemitic even though it clearly wasn’t, because it’s the same argument he made when throwing a strop with his funnier, better looking adversary. But no, clearly Newbon opted to take the Zionist dollar instead. Well, he’s made his bed, and if Northumberland Uni have an ounce of decency they’ll tie him to it, beat him with bars of soap, stick a pillow over his smug four-eyed face, and set fire to the bastard before firing him out of a rocket into the nearest synagogue.

Anyway, if you’ll excuse me, all this talk of telling on people has reminded me that there’s a vile Faceberk account I need to report immediately for saying Angela Raynor is “alright looking for a ginge”. But not before I’ve finished knocking up this hilarious meme of Boris the Butcher reading Mine Kampf to a cage filled with Yiddish toddlers.

If you’re reading Gary, that’s how you do satire.