By Ben Pensant

Has any news story in recent memory inspired as many confused, ignorant, self-righteous takes as social justice crusader Mel Smith slapping some comic I’ve never heard of? Perhaps Finding Neverland’s bombshell revelation that Michael ‘Jacko’ Wacko used time travel to molest children, which saw hordes of due process-obsessed arseholes cruelly label Wade Safechuck a big fat liar just because he claimed he was abused in a train station that hadn’t been built yet.

Perhaps the Covingtown kids incident, when a gang of feral teens in MAGA klan hoods cornered brave Brave Nathan Fucksabout With Drumsticks and smirked at him, prompting fascist goons everywhere to defend the alt-right adolescents on the flimsy grounds that the full video of the incident showed that none of the above actually happened.

Or perhaps the acquittal of cold-blooded white supremacist sniper Karl Rittenhouse, which incited alt-right shitposters to declare that Rittenhouse had acted in self-defence and wasn’t a cold blooded white supremacist sniper simply because they’d watched the trial and listened to the mountain of evidence which proved conclusively he’d acted in self-defence and wasn’t a cold-blooded white supremacist sniper.

But even these knuckleheaded opinions have nothing on the wildly contradictory horseshit right-wingers came out with last week following the Oskar night slap-down. Some jumped to Smith’s defence, framing the Dependence Day star’s antics as a shining example of a millionaire actor doing what a millionaire actor’s gotta do, dishing out alpha male justice like a well-groomed Dirty Barry.

Others sided with supposed ‘victim’ The Rock to push their tiresome freeze peach agenda, condemning Smith on the grounds that foul-mouthed comedians should be allowed to make jokes about other human beings and bald women without fear of retribution.

Meanwhile, the vast gammon majority simply shook their empty heads and used the incident as an excuse to whine about diversity. “It wouldn’t have happened when the Duke was around”, “They’ll be shooting each other next!”, and “This is what happens when you give black savages a seat at the Hollywood table!!” are just three of the awful racist comments I heard last week on the 342 to Dunston.

Fortunately, despite the initial confusion leftists everywhere soon worked out the correct position to adopt, absorb, and spend seven days loudly repeating as if they were offering commentary on a world-shatteringly important event and not merely the most recent example of a rich egotistical celebrity having a hilariously crap meltdown live on telly.

All of which took a huge effort to sort out due to the fact that picking either side meant saying something uncomplimentary about a Black man. Nightmare! Indeed, of all the wise words I’ve heard over the last seven days, one sentence in particular rang true: “It would have been so much easier if one of them was white”. And indeed it would, as deciding who to support in such a case would be a no-brainer . (Clue: the fella with the biggest cock.)

If the slapper was white it would’ve sat comfortably with two of our our oft-repeated mantras: violence is bad – especially the Caukkkasian variety – and all black people are victims. And as no liberal worth their smelling salt would dare defend him there’d be zero need for any ‘well it was wrong but you can see why he did it’ takes. Phew!

Similarly, if the slapee was white it would’ve chimed perfectly with two of our other oft-repeated mantras: violence is good and all black people are victims, especially dishy mega-wealthy ones forced to fight racism by assaulting comedians at awards ceremonies.

Luckily, unlike those idiots on the right, we’re seasoned professionals when it comes to selecting the right opinion and sticking to it. Which is why, seven days on, the level-headed takes show no sign of letting up. Indeed, on Friday Team Smith demonstrated their commitment to anti-racism and respecting women by accusing a Rock-supporting POC actress of being a child groomer because she once made an innocuous comment about a teenage boy. Great work. Meanwhile the right continue to flounder. It’s what they do.

So if anyone is still in the dark about the correct progressive position, here is the ONLY take guaranteed to both impress socially retarded strangers on Twitter and ensure you aren’t accused of racism, misogyny, promoting violence, defending offensive comedy, or making excuses for an uppity little paedo-madam who likes dressing up as a cat and lusting after androgynous 14-year-olds:

The Rock deserved it. Yes, that’s right. In fact he deserved a slap on the other cheek too, plus a kick up the arse and a Chinese burn for luck. How could he not? He’s a comedian for Jezza’s sake, a friend of despicable man-handler Lewis CK and no doubt best buds with chrome-domed wrestler Joe Rogen too. And lest we forget, Smith acted in self defence. What else is an A-lister supposed to do when someone assaults his wife with words? Write a rap about it? That lily-livered approach might work for privileged white celebrities like Emineminem but they handle things differently in Black America, cuz. And if we’re allowed to punch Nazis then we’re damn well allowed to punch comedians too, especially when a woman’s honour is at stake. Because as every good feminist knows, women don’t need men to fight their battles unless someone insults their hair in which case they bloody well do. How anyone but the sickest woman-hating Incell can’t see this can this is beyond me.

But hang on. As much as it’s a husband’s duty to pull up his man-pants, put his privilege to good use, and dish out a bunch of fives once in a while, is this not merely another grim example of toxic masculinity? Is Jada Pinkerton Smith a women or the property of a rich actor? A rich actor considerably lighter skinned than the rich comic he slapped. It’s becoming increasingly clear that this ugly debacle was nothing more than white supremacy in action, a self-hating Black man taking out his misogyny on the nearest Blacker man to curry favour with his bigoted white audience.

Or was it? Because it’s worth remembering that when Rock mocked Jada’s hair he was mocking not just the disabled but every single Black woman on earth, exposing himself as a vicious white wolf in sparkly black clothing. Because a true Black man knows that his sisters are the most vulnerable in society, and anyone caught mocking them demands to be slapped: firmly, repeatedly, and preferably by a well-built movie star considerably bigger than the weedy comic doing the mockery. The only exception would be if the mocker was also a Black woman. Or even better, a Black transwoman, as they’re more oppressed, better dressed, and tend to have have plenty of experience of hitting women. That people find this difficult to grasp is a shocking indictment of the modern world.

Then again, Jada is arguably more white than Black these days: twisted and evil. Indeed, having offended Black women everywhere by getting an imaginary disease which magically cancelled her own afro it’s pretty clear she and her baldy bonce deserved to be mocked. And as for her brutish hubby, would a truly authentic black superstar have been allowed to escape arrest for assaulting a fellow POC? Like hell he would. Right wing ghouls can harp on about how this is has sod all to do with race and is clearly an example of the privilege afforded the rich and famous but they’re wasting their time on me.

But the big question here is not for Smith, or Jada, or The Rock, or anyone else actually involved on his sorry tale. It’s for you dear reader, and it’s one you’ve probably asked yourself several several times already: why the fuck are you still reading this? Because in case you’ve forgot, I’m white. Milky white, in fact, with all the advantages and unearned wealth that fluke of nature entails. What can I possibly add to this discussion? The fact that you, another whitey, ignored all the black voices out there in favour of listening to a fellow pinkskin pontificate on something he has no business pontificating on speaks volumes about your own supremacist leanings. Shame on you. If Black men want to fight each other it’s none of your business. It’s what they do. If you really want to help, how about the next time two of them get into handbags at an awards ceremony you simply zip it shut and let them fight.

But isn’t letting them fight exactly what white society wants? Was this whole incident nothing more than a modern example of Mandingle fighting? POCs whacking each other for the entertainment of white audiences? It’s obvious now that forcing two vulnerable Black millionaires to scrap in public was nothing more than a cynical attempt to boost ratings and deflect from Ukraine which was staged to defect from Covid which was invented in a lab to deflect from Brexit which was bought by the Russians to deflect from Trump who cheated his way into power to deflect from Caitlyn Jenner’s voluminous man-fanny.

Of course, this is all based on the assumption that the slap actually happened, which is frankly about as likely as the moon landing not taking place on a deserted beach on Telly Viv. Because it’s becoming glaringly apparent that this wasn’t two Black men fighting each other to entertain white people; it was two Black men pretending to fight each other to entertain white people. And who’s to say that the men on that stage weren’t a pair of decoys, desperate jobbing actors demeaning themselves for free coffee and a warm blanket? Take a look at the picture of ‘Rock’ supposedly at the aftershow party (below) and tell me you don’t smell a problematic white rat.

And as for this photo of ‘Smith’ backstage, if you seriously think that’s him then I have a rather large tunnel to sell you.

Needless to say, the mindless sheeple spent all week piling on anyone who dared suggest the whole incident was a set-up. “Why would one of the biggest movie stars on the planet be so desperate for publicity he’d soil the pinnacle of his career by slapping someone in front of an audience of millions?” Erm, perhaps because his white paymasters put a bullet to his head, dipshit.

Why else would Smith have issued that grovelling apology and been forced to resign from the Academy? Why else would Rock have conveniently ‘declined’ to press charges despite suffering the trauma of a very sore cheek? And why the hell are you still reading this after I expressly told you to keep your hooky white beak out of Black folks’s business? God, you people make me sick. In fact, I’m so furious with white imbeciles dominating this conversation that I won’t be commenting on it again, which I plan to announce by writing a eight-part tweet explaining why I won’t be commenting on it again. The days of white cultural imperialists offering unwanted commentary on places they’ve never been and people they don’t know are OVER.

Now if you’ll excuse me, this 2,000 word blog on the persecution of the Ukrainian trans tiddlywinks team won’t write itself.