By Ben Pensant.
“They mostly come out at night. Mostly”
The world was a simpler place when Linda Hamilton spoke these chilling words in ’80s sci-fi hit Gremlins. Sure, we had AIDS, nuclear war and fascist governments on both sides of the Atlantic, but they were minor annoyances compared to Brexit, manspreading and bigoted shop assistants calling blokes in eyeliner ‘sir’. Those beasts Linda warned of may have lurked in the darkness but at least you knew if you kept out of their way they wouldn’t eat you up, unlike Jews or Brexiters. Indeed, the western world thirty years ago was a bastion of safety compared to 2019, where transphobes quote biological facts with impunity, ‘comedians’ are allowed to tell jokes to people who want to hear them, and invisible Trump supporters have been emboldened to roam the streets kicking fuck out of black homosexuals.
Yes, I’m talking about Umpire actor Jessie Smollett, who not only recently endured a battering at the hands of this new breed of supernatural street criminals, but has also been fired and accused by the LAPD of faking his entire ordeal. That’s right, in 20th century America it is now officially a crime to get beaten, lynched and doused in bleach. Welcome to Trumpville.
But even more terrifyingly, while an unholy alliance of cops, journalists and alt-right studio bosses have been orchestrating an elaborate plot to frame a marginalised millionaire as a liar, two dangerous killing machines are still at large. Which means now more than ever intersectional Hollywood needs to be on its guard.
So what do we know about this diabolical duo? Well, there’s two of them, they wear red caps, and they possess both the ability to impersonate Nigerian bodybuilders AND the power to disappear into thin air by blending into trees and that, like the shapeshifting space-bat in Predator.
But they share an even more terrifying trait with the ferocious beast who stalked Sly and co: a hatred of black people. In fact, in light of the Smollett attack it’s time we re-evaluated the problematic content of James Cameron’s ‘classic’. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Jessie’s attackers were influenced by the awkward scenes featuring black characters being abused and assaulted, such as the moment where the creature break’s Lando Calrissian’s arm. And is it any wonder Ainsley Harriott gave up acting altogether after travelling all the way to the Amazon only to have his head blown off by a couple of red dots?
The MAGA kill-bots also have a unique talent for administering a good hiding without leaving a mark, a trick mastered by the Driscoll Brothers when they ruled South London in the ’70s. But even more sinister is their arsenal of sophisticated weapons, including a magical amulet which when placed around their victim’s neck renders them powerless, a bit like that green chain thing in Batman.
To throw their target off-guard, the amulet is disguised as an everyday object – in Jessie’s case a rope fashioned into a noose with a gravitational pull so strong he was unable to take it off for several hours after the attack. Evidence suggests the mysterious substance the amulet is forged from also touched Jessie’s hand, gifting his fingers a magnetic quality causing the Subway sandwich he bought minutes before the attack to remain stuck to his hand the whole time he was being chinned.
Knowing Trump’s dedication to cultural imperialism it’s pretty clear where they found this remarkable tech. You think it’s coincidence that a year since the release of DC mega hit Black Panda, two superhuman racists just happen to be found in possession of a hyper-potent raw material mined in the afro-futurist utopia of Waikiki? Don’t make me laugh.
But the sinister mind-tricks they use to control their prey are even more disturbing than torturing soap stars with magic dust plundered from fictional third world ethnostates. Much like the right gaslighted those of us who saw a still image of a spoilt brat smirking at an indian elder and rightly deduced the kid was a nasty racist and the elder an American hero, the spooks planted state-of-the-art, microscopic brain-bugs into Jessie’s head which forced him to make wildly unconvincing statements that ensured none of his story added up. Needless to say this was achieved with ease, because as every progressive knows a black homosexual is far easier to mould and manipulate than a straight whitey.
This sneaky move gave them time to pull off the rest of their cunning plan. For while Jessie spent the days after the attack arousing suspicion by following the messages implanted into his brain and refusing to hand over his phone records to the police, the MAGA tech-heads were gleefully hacking into his smart phone and doctoring the call-log to prove he had contacted two mysterious ‘Nigerians’.
To cover their tracks they paid a couple of black stooges to impersonate the fictitious Africans, who admitted to carrying out the attack, pretended they had been extras on Umpire, and even provided a forged cheque they claimed was signed by Jessie. That’s right – the LAPD expect us to believe a successful, ultra-woke Hollywood actor is dumb enough to hand over anything other than cash to a pair of low-life criminals. Nice try. He might be black and gay, but he’s not a bloody idiot.
Needless to say, the pigs have been involved in the conspiracy every step of the way: planting evidence, harassing Jessie and recruiting the race traitors who played the mysterious Nigerians. All of which has forced Smollett to spend the last month in hiding, victimised by fascist lawmen determined to bring him in like some kind of outlaw, bullied into confessing to a crime planned and executed by Trump, the cops, and every racist on Twitter who cruelly claimed Jessie’s story didn’t add up. Thank god some brave souls – left-wing journalists, left-wing celebrities, the left-wing loon out of Judo – saw this vile attack for what it was from day one.
Sadly, the right-wing machine has rendered them silent. Because despite diving straight in and framing the attack as proof of the racist wasteland America has become, the media and arts establishments have been left with no choice but to tow the line. The disgraceful gaslighting dished out after Covington has emboldened the right, the fear of deportation and incarceration terrifying liberals into submission.
So while the left initially reacted like they always do and jumped to huge conclusions based on the scantest of evidence, this has since vanished to the point where virtually no-one is doubling down, not even anti-Trump funnyman Bill Marr, who was still screeching about schoolkids abusing Native Americans a week after most sane people had accepted no such thing happened. (What do you expect from a rampant Islamophobe?) So it’s down to people like me to pick up the slack and educate the masses about the serious threat still out there.
But that’s not all. While my ‘hyper-intelligent super-soldiers in MAGA hats’ theory clearly has legs, there may be an even more terrifying explanation, based on explosive intel from a highly placed source. And trust me, when you receive an email from a bloke who used to clean the toilets at Vox, you listen. Especially when he tells you that several eyewitnesses placed a tall, big-nosed Irishman at the scene of Jessie’s assault.
Now, I’m not claiming that racist action star Liam Nielsen was definitely there. But how do we know he wasn’t? And if not, why the cover up? Would it surprise anyone to find out that 30 years after his friend’s rape Liam is still looking for a random ‘black bastard’ to murder? As I said, this crack team of MAGA-bots are professionals: who else but Nielsen, with his ‘special skill’ for hunting down undesirables, has the expertise to train these dangerous bastards?
I wouldn’t be surprised if Jessie’s assault was a revenge attack for the bad press Liam received earlier this month. Sure, it took place weeks before Liam’s interview but that proves nothing. We already know the Zionists have been using time machines to travel to the noughties and trick Jeremy Corbyn into saying nice things about Hamas and Black November. It’s hardly a stretch to believe Liam was so red-faced he struck a deal with Trump and Netanyahoo which allowed him to go back in time and duff up a brown queer.
This is how the white man rolls. He knows he’s had his time and it’s someone else’s turn to rule the world, a world he can’t keep up with because of his whiteness. And this malaise is exemplified by Liam’s ignorance of the ever-evolving #MeToo movement. Because you have to be appallingly out of touch to be unaware that believing women, seeking vengeance, ignoring due process, admitting to racism and pledging to Do Better are now bad things, despite the fact that a couple of months ago they were good things.
But if he IS responsible we mustn’t naively assume he worked alone, and the list of potential Hollywood accomplices is as long as Liam’s cock. (No surprise that a privileged white male culturally appropriated his over-sized appendage from the black community he so despises. Is there anything they won’t plunder?)
So I’ll be keeping my eyes on wooden pretty boy Dan Gosling, whose bootlicking turn as the brains behind the faked moon landing marked him as both a Trump ally and the most virulent Zionist in Tinseltown. And after last week’s revelation that cancer-stricken BUTT cowboy John Wayne was a right-wing bigot, don’t be surprised if the dead gunslinger was also involved, most likely utilising his frontier skillz to tie the magic noose from beyond the grave.
But the main person I’m watching is someone closer to home, a man who also recently suffered a racist attack. Needless to say, self-hating Muslim and right-wing shock-jock Magic Nawaz received way more sympathy from the MSM than Jessie.
Who knows why the Quillette founder’s claim that he was punched outside a Soho strip club was believed without question while Jessie’s was rubbished. It could be that the attack happened on a busy street in front of several witnesses. Perhaps it’s because Nawaz co-operated with the police and gave a clear description of what happened. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because it’s far easier for the alt-right-controlled media to take the word of an Uncle Tariq obsessed with smearing jihadists than a marginalised black gay guilty of nothing more than popping out for a snack at the same time a drunken paddy with a cosh down his trousers was patrolling the streets with a couple of pipe-hitting mercenaries dressed as African tourists.
I’ll let you decide. In the meantime, take care of yourselves – and each other – and remember at all times the pertinent warning issued by Jeff Goldberg in another ’70s horror classic…
Be afraid. Be very afraid.