By Ben Pensant

They said he was a threat to national security. They said he’d shook hands with more extremists than the doorman at Finsbury Park Mosque. And they said he had a better chance of winning Celebrity Love Island than a general election. They said all of these things and more about Jeremy Corbyn; ugly, spiteful things that could drive a lesser man to despair, drug abuse or the realisation that he’s utterly shit at his job. But there was no way Jezza was gonna take it lying down. And last week he showed just why he’s got the Tories running scared, taking to the airwaves with the ferocity of a peeved country rambler to energize the Labour Party by doing what he does best: whining, fidgeting and changing his mind about two key policies in the space of a day.

Predictably, the MSM didn’t see it that way, instead dwelling on the supposed flaws of his reboot, such as the fact that his wage-cap proposal appears to have been inspired by the penniless socialist utopias whose economies he admires so much. But this was water off a duck’s back for the Dear Leader, who had slyly used his days in hiding to trim his beard, hit the gym and re-invent himself as the muscle-bound Billy Goat of Westminster; a kinder, fiercer creature capable of lasting a whole day without wandering off a cliff, getting his nose stuck in a tin-can or choking to death on a tennis ball.

Of course, the future PM rising to the occasion when the chips are down is nothing new. In fact it’s what we expect from a man who’s approached every major issue of the last year by locking himself in his allotment, curling up into a ball and praying to Allah that he freezes to death before anyone notices he hasn’t dribbled out an empty slogan about inequality for three days. And few would have blamed him, such is the foul abuse he’s received at the hands of the Tory press and their attempts to smear him by reporting stuff he’s said and done.

Thankfully, like seminal ’90s agit-poppers Chumbawamba, when Corbyn gets knocked down he gets back up again. Though unlike them teetotal Jezza has never had a whisky drink, a lager drink or any other bourgeois drink designed to numb the proletariat to the horrors of capitalism by turning them into brain-damaged louts. And speaking of deluded bedsit militants, the delightful folks at The Canary proved they had the Dear Leader’s back earlier this month when they published a scathing article by James Wright which attacked former funny-man Charlie Brooker for making a couple of jokes about the leader of the opposition.

For anyone lucky enough not to have seen Brooker’s annual dose of BBC propaganda Screenwipe – Arsewipe, more like – this year’s was his most shameful yet and Wright took no prisoners in calling out the Croydon bell-end for shamefully targeting Corbyn, reserving particular scorn for a gag Brooker made about Jezza’s failure to tackle anti-Semitism: ‘The quip cements a fabricated smear campaign from media pundits, the pro-Israel lobby, Tory MPs and Blairites who all have one common enemy: Corbyn’ he railed, stopping short of blaming the illuminati, the Reptilian Elite or anyone other than the Dear Leader and his habit of defending and supporting anti-Semites for the way he’s smeared as someone who defends and supports anti-Semites.

‘The mutually adopted theme is to associate Corbyn with anti-Semitism and other forms of discrimination’. And this tactic has clearly worked among Tories and Blairites, brainwashed into linking a principled politician with anti-Semitic people, groups and regimes just because he’s shown solidarity with scores of anti-Semitic people, groups and regimes like Raed Salah, Stephen Sizer, Ibrahim Hewitt, CAGE, Hamas, Hezbollah and the Supreme Leaders of Iran.

Wright also reminded the five people who read his article that Corbyn has spent his career campaigning for LGBT rights. And I’m sure all the Palestinian gays thrown in jail by Hamas – whom Corbyn once stated were ‘dedicated to peace and social justice’ – or hung from cranes in Iran are honoured to have the support of someone so homo-friendly.

But Wright’s main issue with Brooker’s ‘hatchet job’ was that there weren’t enough funnies about Theresa May: ‘Jokes at (her) expense were noticeably absent’ he wrote, despite the fact that there was a gag about May’s cringe-worthy ‘red, white and blue Brexit’ line, something of a miracle considering her unremarkable, head-girl, roll-your-sleeves-up-and-get-the-job-done demeanour makes it virtually impossible to find anything about her interesting enough to write a joke about. Though the same could be said of Jezza yet the likes of (Proper) Charlie still have a pop at the Dear Leader over everything from his admiration for murderous dictators to his love of a good pair of sandals.

But Wright’s point was that any criticism of Corbyn is wholly unacceptable. Indeed, Brooker would be off The Canary’s Winterville list even if he’d spent one minute making jokes about Jezza and the other fifty-nine calling the Prime Minister ‘Theresa Gay’ and ‘Kitten Heel Cunt’. Because when you’re as convinced of your own virtue as we are the freedom to unleash your inner Stalinist is hard to resist.

Consider this: Brooker’s main targets throughout the show were Michael Gove, Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson, yet curiously no Tory or UKIP supporters wrote articles on the internet crying about it. Similarly Brooker directed plenty of jokes towards Jezza’s opponents in the PLP – calling Owen Smith ‘so boring he makes Ed Miliband look like David Miliband’ – yet I don’t recall angry Blairites vowing never to watch Cockwipe again.

The reason for this is simple – they have no soul. And unlike us brave Corbynites who routinely scour the media for Jezza-hate then whine about it on a blog, they have no stomach for a fight either. Because deep down, Tories, Ukippers, Blairites, Zionists, Ex-Muslims, Uncle Toms, TV Critics, impressionists and those annoying people on Twitter who try to win arguments with facts and evidence all know how wrong they are. Which is why they’re left with no choice but to smear Corbyn by reporting stuff he’s said and done.

Traingate was a perfect example, as both Virgin and the Tory press showed how terrified they are of the Dear Leader by accusing him of lying when he said he couldn’t find a seat on a ‘ram packed’ train. They then released a video clearly showing Corbyn walking past several rows of empty unreserved seats before filming himself sitting on the floor like an alcoholic attorney thrown out of a municipal courtroom for not wearing a tie and smelling of Burritos.

But Wright dismissed this with characteristic Corbynite bluntness: ‘Passengers have since debunked the claim, as has a closer look at the footage’. Indeed, a closer look at the footage does debunk the claim, provided you’re willing to believe Jezza and co entered the carriage at the exact moment a dozen or so people simultaneously visited the toilet and left all their belongings behind. Belongings which couldn’t be seen on the video but according to Labour sources were definitely on the seats which is why they had to sit on the floor and it’s all Richard Branson and the Government’s fault so stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

The fact that Brooker featured this non-story speaks volumes, as those of us who’ve devoted our lives to Corbyn are well aware it’s not uncommon for him to enter a room and instantly empty it. What Traingate illustrated was how much the Tories and the establishment at large are running scared, particularly Branson whose evil rail network will be the first thing on the Dear Leader’s shit-list when he enters Number 10. I’ve no doubt the bearded billionaire spends many sleepless nights fretting about what will happen when Jezza is PM, in-between pondering more serious questions such as whether he should get out of bed and go for a crap or wait ’til morning.

As well as revenge for Traingate Branson will also be fearful of the Dear Leader’s plan to curb sexual assaults on public transport by introducing women-only carriages. And with good reason as this has already gained support among a diverse range of Labour supporters from the Muslim Council Of Britain to the Islamic Human Rights Commission. Though as I’ve written before, if Corbyn really wants to turn it into an election-winning policy he should just take a leaf out of his ‘very good friend’ Ibrahim Hewitt’s book and propose any woman raped on a train is stoned to death for adultery. It’ll appeal to left-wing segregationists and cut prison numbers in one fell swoop. Granted, it will also lead to a sharp drop in female mortality but hey, if it works in Afghanistan who are we to stick our imperialist oars in and tell them how to behave?

But we should never forget that while Jezza is clearly a fearsome, powerful opponent who has Branson, Brooker and the Government shitting bricks, he is also a victim. Such a victim in fact, that according to Canary editor Kerry Ann Mendoza and several commentators beneath Wright’s article, Brooker’s quips about the leader of the opposition were yet another example of modern satire’s failure to ‘punch up’. Because anyone with half a brain can see that taking the piss out of a privately educated career politician who was brought up on a manor is ‘punching down’.

But by far the worst aspect of Brooker’s failure to treat the Dear Leader as an untouchable demigod was the way it revealed him to be a member of that most repugnant group: left-wingers who make jokes about the left. Because any liberal who does this commits the ultimate sacrilege, putting them down there in the dirt with Muslims who denounce extremism, blacks who condemn Black Lives Matter and women who reject radical feminism.

Of course, wretches like Brooker aren’t really left-wing – how could they be? – as everyone knows a true lefty couldn’t make fun of Corbyn if they tried. Like peace in the middle-east or Diane Abbott appearing on telly without making an utter plank of herself, it’s just not possible. And in making the grave error of satirising the left Brooker instantly put himself on a blacklist along with John Sullivan, Ben Elton and whoever it was who thought it’d be funny to depict the Jezza-lite shop steward in Carry On At Your Convenience as a shifty, delusional fuckwit.

Still, the signs that Brooker isn’t what he seems have been around for a while. From mocking the claim that David Cameron stuck his penis inside a pig’s head to criticising the censorious, middle-class reaction to evil rape-joker Dapper Laughs, it’s clear this shy Tory has been hiding in plain sight for some time. And as for his personal life, no true liberal would shamefully exploit his white male privilege by culturally appropriating an Asian wife. As proper lefties and die-hard social segregationists like Giles Fraser and Lindy West would no doubt put it – get back in your lane, Charlie.

And should he fail to heed this advice and end up on the receiving end of a visit from someone who objects to either his choice of partner or the bullying of Jezza? Well, he made his bed. Like Lee Rigby, Qandeel Baloch, Duncan Keating, Asad Shah and the staff of Charlie Hebdo it’d be bloody hard to argue he didn’t bring it on himself. But hey, I’m sure he’ll see the funny side.

‘Cos you like a good laugh, don’t you, Charlie?