Editor’s note: It’s been a tough few weeks for the alt-right. Or rather, a GREAT few weeks, if you’re one of those people who love outrage. And if you’re not then why are you reading this and what the fuck is your problem?
Either way, from blood clots to peaceful riots, the events of the last month have clearly RATTLED the fash, which explains why I was contacted this week by Graham Reaper, an affably psychotic right-winger with a hell of a lot of time on his hands. (To go with the blood of dead Covid babies.)
His uncharacteristically polite email asked if I would be interested in publishing a column he’d just written: a semen-splattered, toe-curlingly offensive piece detailing his anger at the left’s continuing fight against fascism. As you can imagine, my initial reaction was one of horror, but after giving myself a day to calm down, I got to thinking: my army of five readers need to see this.
See, it appears poor Graham is under the impression this blog was set up by a fellow evil right-winger with the intention of satirising the left, and that Ben Pensant is a made up character, like Titania McGhee or Kerry-Ann Mendoza. Bless him.
Still, despite Graham clearly having shit for brains, it’s always useful to see what we’re up against. Which is why I decided to publish his grubby missive as a timely reminder that the right can be every bit as sensitive, hypocritical, and utterly deranged as us. As Al Pacino said in Goodfellas, keep your enemies close and your Nazi weirdos closer.
Luckily, Graham is too stupid to know my real motive for promoting his hatred – obviously: he’s right wing! – which also means I can say anything in this intro and he’ll think it’s all part of the ruse. The Tory bellend.
And before you ask, yes I’ve already reported myself to the police for giving a platform to a bigot. Though to be fair, some of Graham’s targets are thoroughly deserving of scorn: it’s just a shame he hates them for all the wrong reasons. For instance, the BBC is evil because it’s pro-Brexit and anti-Corbyn, not because it employs women with funny names who make jokes about flags. And the problem with Alys Roberts is not that she doesn’t believe in Jesus but that she works with Tommy Robinson.
Still, you can judge for yourselves below. And if you’re in any doubt as to the kind of desperate animal we’re dealing with, consider this: Graham insisted his piece wasn’t published ’til at least 72 hours after Easter Weekend so as not to interrupt the Anglo-Christian tradition of eating chocolate for three days, rendering it about as topical as pointing out that Liam Gallagher looks a bit like Parker out of Thundercats. At this rate we night get a damning indictment of Emily Maitliss disrespecting the Duke of Edinburgh by calling him a ‘wrinkly old tart’ just in time for Christmas. What a knacker.
By Graham Reaper
It isn’t hard to find reasons to #DefundTheBBC. In fact there are so many I don’t have space to list them, but rest assured they’re all variations on the same point: it’s stuffed with people I disagree with. And not just people I disagree with but people I disagree with who wear sandals, eat asparagus, and don’t know the words to the National Anthem. Consequently, the Beeb’s output has become a constant stream of dangerous left-wing propaganda so dangerous and left-wing that it terrifies me even though I haven’t watched the channel since 1997.
From biased news ‘reports’ and woke soccer ‘coverage’ to anti-British ‘comedies’ and x-rated radio ‘channels’, the menacing socialist messaging is endemic. So it surprised no-one when yet another right-on BBC presenter decided to mark Easter Weekend by making an offensively innocuous comment about Jesus that enraged three people and a church mouse in the real world but reduced thousands to tears in the wonky world of Twitter.
This time it was pink-haired professor-of-something-or-other and presenter-of-rubbish-documentaries-that-no-one-watches Alice Robertson, who traumatised all manner of christians, conservatives, and christian conservatives by terrorising Twitter with the eye-poppingly vulgar opinion that zombies aren’t real:
“Just a little reminder today. Dead people – don’t come back to life”
Pitiful. And the most insulting thing I’ve seen on social media since Steve Bellend drew that cartoon of Princess Priti dressed as a cow, deeply offending sikhs, livestock, and fat women. But this was even worse, and not just because Alice’s knuckle-headed approach to punctuation made it sound like she was urging dead people not to come back to life. (Though it wouldn’t surprise me if she was doing that: commanding historical figures like Nelson, Powell, and Manning to stay buried as there’s no place for white male pioneers in the progressive hellscape envisioned by Alice and her muff-munching cronies. Anything’s possible with these satan-worshipping freaks.)
What made it even more appalling was the fact that Alice is supposed to be a historian. Please. A three-minute analysis of her filmography tells you exactly what kind of ‘history’ is peddled by this UK-hating little madam, with nary a profile of Wat Tailor or the Puddle Lane Martyrs in sight. There are lots of unwatchable shows about furry elephants, though, which I know are unwatchable as I literally haven’t watched any of them.
But when it comes to the Bohemian Broadcasting Cretins Robertson is just the tip of the iceberg, her disgraceful tweet coming mere weeks after two of her colleagues did a massive shit all over the Union Jack. Yep, it’s not just in the arena of junk science and pretend history where the BBC’s woke nonsense rules supreme. They really ramp up their efforts to indoctrinate impressionable minds in the godforsaken world of breakfast TV, aided and abetted by metropolitan elitists forcing their non-binary toddlers to watch the news while they conduct zoom chats with pony-tailed publishers, and shellsuit-clad dolewallers plonking their kids in front of giant flat-screens while they spend my hard-earned taxes on Space Raiders and smack.
And in this murky Marxist malaise the BBC recently showed their true colours, as two of the most virulent libtards on TV mocked hardworking Brits everywhere by – brace yourself – taking the piss out of a bit of cloth. Yes, really. And they weren’t finished there as one of them – a repeat offender whose foreignish surname I refuse to learn how to spell – rubbed salt in the wounds by liking a couple of lighthearted tweets laughing at said libtards taking the piss out of a bit of cloth. Shameful.
Predictably, it is now nearly three weeks since this disgusting episode and the BBC still haven’t sacked Charlie State and Naga M********. (‘Naga’? If she had any decency she’d be called MAGA.) Indeed, yesterday it was announced that the BBC and Ofcon would be taking no further action against the vile pair, a slap in the face to hardworking crybabies everywhere, and a clear message that our national broadcaster thinks it’s perfectly okay to poison tiny kiddy-brains by mocking a meaningless multi-coloured bedsheet. (Their victim, classy Tory MP Rupert Jenrick, also had a picture of our Queen behind him, which explains the unconfirmed-but-clearly-factual rumour that Naga spent the entire interview mouthing the word ‘slag’.)
As you’d expect, this ghastly duo were defended on the grounds that their target wasn’t patriotism but virtue signalling politicians: an utterly preposterous claim as everyone knows only left-wing people virtue signal. In fact, recent tests conducted by renowned social scientist James Delingpool proved conclusively that Tories are physically incapable of virtue signalling. (As are Brexiteers, Republicans, anti-vaxxers, gun-owners, and anyone who regularly masturbates over both Her Majesty and Donald Trump – often at the same time – and doesn’t care a jot who knows it.)
Thankfully, on social media right-leaning Brits pounced, demonstrating their dedication to free speech by demanding the BBC sack Naga and (proper) Charlie. Which is when the ‘sensible’ liberals waded in. You know the type – Corbynites call them ‘centrist scum’ and for once those crusty, terror-fanboys have a point. Because being left-wing is bad enough but being neither left-wing or right-wing is sodding depraved.
Needless to say, these milktoast fence-sitters illlustrated their stupidity by accusing us of behaving like SJWs just because we clearly did. Yep, in the year of our Lord 2021, there are still people who believe that right-wing and left-wing ideologues are both hyper-sensitive authoritarians who thrive on outrage, identity politics, and putting people out of work because they said something ghastly. Which is utter bollocks for one simple reason: their targets are innocent while ours are wankers who totally deserve it.
But the main difference is they did it first. And if we’re serious about winning this culture war then we need scalps and we need them NOW. The fact that these scalps are actually the careers and livelihoods of people whose only crime is having a different opinion to us is irrelevant. They laid the first glove, they can DEAL.
As usual, what these ‘both sides’ wankers ignore is the question of consistency. Because we all know the reaction would’ve been very different if these two clowns had been mocking the Scottish flag or a blue one with yellow stars on it. (You can prise my refusal to consecutively type the letters ‘E’ and ‘U’ from my cold dead hands, commie.)
Because in times of war, you can’t simply criticise this double standard: you have to counter it with another double standard that says it’s perfectly okay to demand mouthy TV presenters are sacked for making jokes and spouting anti-christian drivel because it’s high time they were hoist by their own retards. It doesn’t matter that neither State nor M*******y have ever demanded someone lose their job for making a joke. Sweary scotch nonce Frankie Boil hasn’t either but we still reported him to the police after some ungrateful black harridan joked about ‘killing whitey’ on his shitty show. And Katy Brand has never tried to cancel anyone either but we still wanted her charged with incitement after the roly-poly lesbian quipped about throwing a poisoned milkshake at Lord Farage. Don’t like getting blamed for bad stuff other left-wing people do? Then stop being left-wing.
And it’s painfully obvious that if ‘Professor’ Roberts had tweeted “cows – don’t fly” during Ramadamadan or she’d have lost her job in a heartbeat. But simply pointing out this inconsistency is never enough: you have to also say how disrespectful her comment and accuse her of hating christians, despite the fact that this is exactly the kind of thing we attack Muslims for when they lose their shit over cartoons or Richard Dorkins tweets.
Fact is, if you’re part of the woke supremacy then you deserve the pushback. Which is why both incidents inspired social media righties to do what we always do when a BBC person says something abhorrent: we demanded former England rugby star Garry Lineker gets the bullet too, despite the fact that the World Cup winner-turned-traitor-to-the-shirt has bugger all to do with either Breakfast Time or rubbish documentaries about saving Woolly Mammoths. That he never talks about politics on The Big Match is unimportant. We pay his wages therefore he should keep his views to himself on the internet too, just like Andrew Neal never used to.
And so what if Lineker’s political takes are fairly inoffensive opinions shared by millions of normal people? Millions of normal people disagree with those views too but I don’t see them speaking their minds on Twitter while pocketing millions from the licence fee. And if this juvenile tit-for-tat point-scoring does nothing to challenge cancel culture but simply encourages and inflates the whole sorry shitshow then so be it. Why should lefties have all the fun? At least our censorious antics are done in the name of protecting British values, like democracy, individualism, and crying like fucking babies.
As libertarian barrister Hal Holbrook put it, those calling for Naga and Charlie’s heads weren’t right-wing snowflakes, they were “ordinary Brits who dislike the BBC’s sneering contempt for patriotism”. Because as everyone who’s never met a normal person knows, ordinary Brits are renowned for demanding people are fired for making jokes. So while Holbrook – last seen mocking the size of Joe Bidet’s locked down inauguration crowd compared to Trump’s four-years-prior-to-Covid turnout – is the last person you’d want defending you in court, few legal eagles are more suited to fighting your corner if you ever get called a massive hypocrite for trying to cancel two ponces off the telly.
Luckily, the BBC’s refusal to remove the gruesome pair backfired spectacularly, leading to a serious, welcome, and boring-to-everyone-but-a-handful-of-opportunistic-media-whores debate on national flags, with the government sticking it to the left by vowing to henceforth fly them from all government buildings forever. Ha! They may be gleefully eradicating our freedoms with their pretend pandemic but at least they still know how to own the libs.
Similarly, Alice’s vile tweet successfully generated discourse and outrage every bit as tedious, as right-wing god-botherers fed up of celebrities trashing their faith proudly reaffirmed their belief in a bearded wizard with holes in his hands. Meanwhile, all those sad ‘normal people’ in the Real World who wish the left and the right would both go fuck themselves got on with their empty, nonline lives.
Which begs the question: how do we reach these dullards? How do we convince them that things people say on Twitter are way more important than friends, family, and Fortnight? The answer is simple: we up the auntie. Fortunately, one of the few benefits of multiculturalism is that there’s always something new to get outraged about, usually involving blokes in turbins. And with impeccable timing, the same week Charlie attacked the flag the auntie was well and truly upped as another group of entitled zealots spent all week demanding someone was fired for offending them. Only this time the offender was a teacher, the offendees were Muslims, and the thing that offended them was a cartoon of Mohammud sucking off Jesus. (Thank god it was Mo giving the gobble and not JC otherwise the teacher would have had me gunning for him too. Phew!)
Yep, the Battersby School protest was a grim affair. But on the bright side, the teacher who showed the picture has been forced to move house, which means there’s still a good chance he might get killed. Because if there’s one thing guaranteed to wake the masses from their selfish slumber it’s innocent men being murderlised by mad muzzies. But the best bit is it gifts me – or, ideally, someone else – a free pass to pop down to Islington-via-Salford Keys and behead Naga, Charlie and Professor Droopy Drawers. And if this seems a somewhat extreme reaction bearing in mind none of them had anything to do with a hypothetical Islamist murdering a teacher whose name I’ve forgotten, well, what can I say: They started it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have important stuff to do. These 3,000 words on the BBC’s refusal to adorn the GMB coffee table with a permanent bust of Prince Phillip’s head won’t write itself…