By Ben Pensant

Nothing was more predictable than the wave of Islamophobia that engulfed Britain last month after misunderstood fascists the Talibans reclaimed Afganisthan from the clutches of the West. From doctored news footage of Israeli hawks in fake beards beating up protesters and comedians to racist opinion pieces sneering at such quaint Islamic customs as banning choirs and beheading women, it was grimly inevitable to see the UK media once again set aside their differences and bond over their mutual loathing of fun-loving Muslims.

Distortion, misrepresentation, bare-faced fabrication: the MSM used every trick in the book to smear the T-men as murderous theocrats simply because they’d prefer their country’s future was dictated not by the imperialist whims of faceless Neocons but the wit and wisdom of a paedophile fisherman who died 700 years ago.

This miasma of misinformation climaxed in late August when a suicide bombing at Cabul airport was blamed on IISIS. That’s right, the other set of decent lads relentlessly demonised by the media for having the temerity to occasionally let off steam with lighthearted games of Toss the Batty Boy Off the Roof. Apparently the BBC and co expect us to believe that gangs of proud Muslims just go around killing each other for fun, despite the fact that they all look the same, sound the same, and have the same passing interest in destroying the West and abducting schoolgirls.

But hey, I guess it’s possible that ISIIS decided they’d had enough of killing infidels and started blowing up their brothers in arms for a laugh instead. In the same way it’s possible that Black November murdered the Munich Olympics and Al-Queda crashed a couple of jets into the Two Towers, just as long as you swap ‘Black November’ and ‘Al-Queda’ for ‘the CI5’ and ‘Mosadd’.

Needless to say, the torrent of media bigotry swiftly evolved into anti-refugee invective, as right-wing bores declared that only a terrorist could possibly choose to flee his war-torn homeland to settle in the nearest country that offers both asylum and a Gregg’s on every street. And not just normal terrorists, but brown-skinned terrorists with massive beards, the type that only exist in the fevered imaginations of Scum-readers and Lawrence ‘Looza’ Fox.

Which is an idea so offensive Pierce Morgan has already taken credit for it. Because the notion that we shouldn’t take in Afgani refugees because they’re terrorists is nonsense: the reason we shouldn’t take in Afgani refugees is because they’re not terrorists.

That’s right. These vanilla Muslims are nothing less than traitors, to their country, their people, and their quirkily genocidal religion. They made their beds by abandoning their Islamic brothers when they needed them most, taking the easy option of selling out to the West in exchange for an empty secular life with nary a Kalishnakov or public flogging in sight.

But as much as I’d happily send these self-hating pseudo-Muslims straight back, the Talibans are such affable sorts they’d probably greet them with open arms, limiting their punishment to one severed finger per traitor and merely gang-raping their wives and daughters instead of stoning them to death.

Far better to let them stew. They fled their country just as it was poised to revert to a theocratic paradise: why should they get a second chance? Like those cowardly Cuban stowaways who chanced their arms on the Straights of Florida in the ’60s, they’ll soon find out that the grass on the other side is grey, decaying, and stained with dog piss. And what better way to show them the error of their apostate ways than condemning them to suffer in a society far worse than the one they left?

Yes, I’m talking about the West, specifically the grubby, sprawling mass occupied by Brits and yanks and ruled by bloodthirsty, corrupt leaders so bloodthirsty and corrupt they make the Islamic extremists selflessly re-shaping Afganisthan look like yoghurt-knitting social workers.

Don’t believe me? Read on.

Top Ten Things What Are Worse Than the Talibans.

10. TERFS.

The right love whining about the Talibans’ poor record on ‘women’s rights’, a herring so red it doesn’t even have a beak. But anyone with half a New Statesmxn subscription knows the Talibans don’t want to execute women: they do it to protest the bombing of Muslim countries. And even then they take great care to only murder women who really deserve it, such as strippers or librarians.

Contrast this with western TERFS, the evil transphobes who’ve spent the last decade using words and memes to literally exterminate real women – the ones with beards and knackers – at a rate far more terrifying than that of the remarkably restrained ‘monsters’ putting Afganisthan back together. And unlike the Talibans, homicidal TERFS don’t have the decency to comfort their gender-non-conforming victims with some thoughtful words from the holy Kerrang before packing them off to the great Tammy Girl changing room in the sky.

Is it any wonder transwomen are flocking to inclusive utopias like Iran, where compassionate Mullers kindly offer ‘gay’ men life-saving gender-realignment surgery as a progressive alternative to being hung from cranes? Don’t be surprised if such defiantly liberal procedures are soon readily available on the streets of Kandyhar too.

9. THE TORIES

It goes without saying that living under a democratically elected Conservative government is an ordeal few Afganis could endure, especially as this current rotten administration lurches even further to the right. There are far too many examples of why the Tories are more vile than the Taliban to list, but few are as rotten as the recent announcement that UK Muslims will soon be bullied into proving their Britishness when new laws are passed compelling them to wear badges celebrating our imperialist past.

The alt-right love to moan about the Talibans ‘forcing’ women to wear veils but unsurprisingly they’re A-Okay with them being forced to wear swastikas.

8. JOEY BIDEN

It’s safe to say many liberals had high hopes for Biden, especially those liberals who knew sweet fuck all about him other than the fact that he wasn’t Trump. But this doddery pretend leftist has disappointed at every turn, not least in the violent way he oppresses Women of Colours everywhere by refusing to die and allow Queen Kamala to claim his throne.

By welshing on the deal to step aside and let Ms Harrison take over he’s let the mask slip, sadly confirming his position as an ageing, straight white male and not the gender-fluid, mixed race millennial we thought he was. And please, enough with the lame excuses about how he can’t give up the job until he’s located the glasses case he put down somewhere in Camp Davids. Senility is not an excuse to stand in the way of progress.

Needless to say, Biden’s cheerleaders would have us believe the Talibans pose some kind of ‘misogynist threat’, as if his revolting treatment of Kamala is any better. Get back to me when you’ve asked an Afgan housewife which she’d prefer: taking the odd beating for leaving the house on her own or putting up with the most powerful politician on earth constantly forgetting her name.

7. BORIS

There’s little to say about this maniacal monster that I haven’t already spent hours crying about. But if you genuinely think living under a hardline Islamic government is worse than having a Prime Minister who once loudly argued with his wife then I suggest you move next door to him and face the trauma of hearing this brute in action. Better still, marry him and let him stick his little blonde dick inside you before defending domestic abuse on the grounds that it was ‘just a tiff’. Yeah, just like OJ and Nicola Simpson were merely having ‘a bit of a squabble’ when he cut her head off.

It speaks volumes about our Islamophobic society that people actually believe men who politely force Muslim women to wear veils are more dangerous than one who calls them ‘letterboxes’.

6. LOCKDOWN

Did this government’s piss-weak ‘restrictions’ ever even constitute a lockdown? Not from where I’m sitting. What the 500,000 people murdered by Johnston’s ‘anything goes’ attitude would give for the steely guidance of the Talibans, who have strict measures woven into their DNA.

Since recklessly opening up shops, bars, and sporting venues, Boris and co. have allowed millions of braindead morons to selfishly go about their lives, blissfully unaware they’ve been thrown under one big (red) bus. Islamophobes attack the Talibans’ supposed disregard for women’s safety but have you ever seen an Afgan lady without a face covering? I’ll wait.

Perhaps the next time someone spreads lies about the Talibans occasionally executing women in football stadiums someone should remind them that the Tories kill thousands every Saturday by allowing brick-thick soccer fans to mingle in them.

5. LABOUR

Ken Starmer? More like Klaus Stormer. Yep, the avowed Nazi in charge of the zombie movement that calls itself the Labour Party seems to think the Talibans are a problem that needs to be fixed by white politicians like him, blissfully unware that the Talibans wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for white politicians like him.

Even worse, St Jezza’s lesser-successor is incapable of grasping that the grossly problematic way his dull-as-dishwater party has forced out bright, sassy, shag-happy Muslims like Ash Starkers is considerably worse than giving women fashion tips or banning them from driving.

Because this racist purge of sexy young leftists will damage the UK irreparably, as before long the likes of Ash will say ‘enough’s enough!’ and take their talents to Afganisthan, free to explore their sexuality and keep themselves in Allah’s good books. Ash may have to sacrifice the right to wear short skirts and ‘fuck like a champion’, but at least she’ll know if she does end up getting pelted with rocks for flashing her thighs it’ll be an infinitely more enjoyable way to meet her maker than being bored to death by centrist scum.

4. COPPERS

When not murdering women or shooting black people, the average British bobby can be found persecuting left-wing activists, as seen in the disturbing footage of this week’s Inoculate Britain protests. Point this out to the average Tory however, and they’ll deflect like pros, pathetically arguing that these brave motorway-blocking protesters were creating more pollution by causing huge traffic jams, as well as deeply damaging their cause by behaving like privileged posh arseholes who couldn’t care less about working people.

All of which is irrelevant. Because the real story here is one of brutish police officers making a mockery of our ‘superiority’ over Islamic theocracies, idly standing by as angry Leave-voting motorists revved their engines and intimidated the privately educated angels for having the temerity to spend their gap year saving the planet before taking that plum job at HSBC.

Worse, these callous pigs made no effort whatsoever to help the exhausted protesters slowly dying of thirst. Something tells me the right-wingers tut-tutting at the ‘horrific’ footage of women and children herded like cattle by rifle-wielding brown Islamists weren’t quite as disgusted at the sight of white police officers refusing to offer dehydrated environmentalists cups of pop and Kitt-Kats. ACAB.

3. COMEDIANS

Especially bald ones fond of eating horse de-wormers which aren’t actually horse de-wormers but loads of bitter blue-tick liberals say they are so they must be. But that wrestlemania fool is just the tip of the ice cream. Every time any comic opens his mouth he subjugates someone, unless that comic is Nish Kular or Kate Smurfwaite, whose mouths have only ever subjugated uneducated idiots too dumb to laugh at their fiercely original jokes about how racist The Daily Fail is.

That Western ‘comics’ are not merely allowed but encouraged to mock whichever minority they’ve decide to murder that day is a travesty. Yet apparently the Talibans, who care so much about protecting the public from hate-filled comedians they kidnap and bundle them into cars before slapping them about and shooting them, are the bad guys.

Gee, I wonder why the terrorists hate us so much?

2. BREXIT

Like Boris the Bastard, I refuse to give the Worst Thing Ever any more coverage than it deserves. But if anyone seriously thinks being terrorised by murderous religious fanatics is worse than leaving the EU then I suggest you think about this cold hard fact: The Talibans have been ‘oppressing’ Afgans for about five weeks. Brexit has been making James O’Brian cry for over five years. Do the fucking math.

1. BRITAIN

See above. Then add Ant and Duncan, landlords, Only Fools & Racists, manspreading, Little Minx, grammar schools, Rudyard Kipling, his rubbish cakes, Carry On Raping, being asked ‘where are you from?’, and anything else this godforsaken island has forced upon the world throughout it’s blood-splattered history.

But hey, at least we don’t wear sandals and kill infidels, right?