By Ben Pensant

Still need proof that right-wingers are stuck in the past? That they’re ageing fossils yearning for simpler, more racist times? Out of touch reactionaries who neither respect nor understand the youth of today, whose freedom and intelligence they resent and fear? If your answer is ‘yes’ then please flush your head down the nearest toilet. But first I suggest you close that book, pick up your iPhone, and read up on the recent online furore over Ben Shapero’s wet fanny. Or rather, his wife’s dry fanny but we’ll come on that – sorry, come to that – later.

Because few things show up conservatives for the dinosaurs they are than their inane, archaic thoughts on modern pop music. Which were offered this week when Nazi Jew Shapero used his shitty radio show to lay into WOC rapper Cardy B’s controversial new single Wet Arsed Pussy. Needless to say, dangerous fogey Ben proudly displayed his right-wing credentials by raging against the track’s x-rated lyrics about love, equality, and gallons of fanny batter. Indeed, Ben’s judgemental whining couldn’t have been more out of touch if he’d whipped his dick out and stuck it in a tub of Benny Jerry’s as a dirty protest against the mega-rich ice cream magnate’s principled support for migrants (as long as they’re not Mexicans). Because as any self-respecting millennial progressive knows all too well, the only people allowed to have puritanical strops about pop singers are leftists.

Yes, not for the first time an evil righty has tried to pass himself off as a Good Person by giving their grubby right-wing ideology a shiny, liberal makeover. We’ve already seen GMTV gobshite and Ben’s old adversary Pierce Morgan virtue-signalling about Covid-18 and blindly supporting BLM despite not having a clue what they stand for. Now we have a far-right Mossad agent deciding he gets to police what female singers write about, when everyone and their Twitter alias knows that’s the job of middle-class feminists without a creative bone in their bodies.

The maddening thing is, everything Shapero said about Cardy B and her obscene new track was correct. WAP features more worrying content than a Daily Heil editorial meeting, not least its title which doubles up as an anti-Italian slur hugely insulting to dagos and greaseballs. As for the video, which features semi-nude Cardy and a female friend wandering around an ostentatious mansion, grinding their ample curves and luscious booties together while rapping about squirting in each other’s faces, trust me when I say it doesn’t get any less problematic after twelve-and-a-quarter viewings.

As for Cardy herself, from working as a stripper to speaking out against ‘cancel culture’, she’s been whoring for the establishment ever since she burst into the scene, selling out her Afro-Carribean brothers and sisters by bigging up warmongering former President Franklin D.Eisenhower and collaborating with toxic white sex-pests Maroon 4. And the least sad about her outdated obsession with promoting heterosexual sex the better.

The problem is, as justified as Ben’s outrage was, it’s not his job to say it: it’s ours. We claimed Mary St.Whitehouse as One Of Ours several years ago, and no amount of right-wing whining about Stormsy’s knife collection can steal her back. Still it’s a shame Ben chose the dark side as he would’ve made a great leftist: he’s prudish, he’s moralistic, he’s utterly cluless about popular culture. He even says ‘p-word’ instead of pussy, describes bullshit as ‘BS’, and is more likely to declare “Gosh darn if that bee-hind ain’t the size of Walton Mountain!” than “Fuck me, that lass in the leopard skin bra’s got a massive arse”.

The difference is, unlike modern leftists Ben doesn’t impose his beliefs on anyone else: he might object to homosexuality on religious grounds but has no desire to imprison gays and is happy for adults to sleep with whoever they like. He also regularly meets, debates, and befriends liberals he disagrees with – such as slaphead strongman-cum-alt-right-adjacent thug Joel Rogan – and has long defended free speech for everyone, not just people he likes. The shifty coward.

Which proves conclusively that Ben’s anti-Cardy rant was all for show, a lame attempt to curry favour with the left so that when Joe Bidet becomes President we don’t tie the Nev Flanders-voiced neo-con to a chair and throw him off Trump Tower. Because if Ben really cared he’d have attacked the song’s blatant transphobia, and pointed out that the phrase ‘wet arsed pussy’ is grossly offensive to transwomen, whose pussies tend to be drier than the Gobo desert.

Luckily, Shapero go what was coming to him after he took to Twitter to expand upon his video. “My only real concern is that the women involved – who apparently need a ‘bucket and a mop’ – get the medical care they require. My doctor wife’s differential diagnosis: bacterial vaginosis, yeast infection, or trichomonis.”

Sure enough the Twitter literalists pounced, and decreed that this unsubtle, not-particularly funny attempt at a joke was actually an admission that his wife’s privates are about as damp as a sunburnt Ryvita. So Ben’s longwinded observation that anyone whose vagina leaks so much it requires domestic cleaning products should probably see a doctor became a huge self-own, casting doubts upon the state of Mrs Shapero’s under-carriage and confirming that it sees about as much action as Boris Johnston’s comb.

Indeed, the tweet delighted sensitive male feminists so much they demonstrated their disgust at macho culture and toxic masculinity by mocking Ben’s sexual prowess and penis size. (Which is understandable, as the ability to sexually satisfy a women is a cornerstone of being a male feminist, whether the woman in question asked to be sexually satisfied or not.) They were bravely backed up by their blue-haired female counterparts, who temporarily suspended their aversion to shaming and sexualising women in order to scold a wife and mother they don’t know for marrying a Republican and spend all day discussing her sapless, neglected snatch.

Of course, none of this washed for a second. Indeed, the idea that a Republican Jewess with a bone-dry fadge would put up with a sexless marriage is ludicrous: as anyone who’s watched Rachel O’Riley and Tracey-Ann Doberman spend the last few years sucking off the Tories knows, these right-wing Zio bitches love the cock.

But that’s by the bi. Whatever the truth of the matter, it was a great day’s work: a self-hating pop star got cut down to size, an alt-right goon was shown up as a charlatan, and hordes of creepy progressives earned a free pass to spend all day speculating about one man’s failure to make his wife’s front-bottom weep like a broken egg.

Job done, point scored, bigotry defeated. I can’t wait to hear what Ben thinks of that self-hating bitch Lana Del Ray’s vulgar poetry collection. Go get her, needle-dick!