By Ben Pensant.

As both a die-hard Remainer and a rabid Corbynite I’m often asked how I reconcile my love for the EU with support for a man who’s spent most of his career opposed to it. The answer is simple. So simple, in fact, that I refuse to explain it, preferring the ‘Ignore & Block’ response beloved by modern leftists like OJ Jones and that Eoin bloke who thinks he’s a doctor.

But one thing I do point out is that Corbyn’s issues with Brussels were based on nuance and principle, unlike the right-wing toffs and working-class numbskulls who voted for Brexit. Obviously I never explain this nuance and principle because I refuse to do anyone’s homework for them. But the fact that left-wing Eurosceptics like Jezza and Tony Bennett were brought up on mansions might have something to do with it.

People – or should I say, Tories – also regularly ask how I can be so onboard with the anti-democratic movement to stop Brexit when those spearheading the campaign are from the same putrid well that has spent two years trying to oust the Dear Leader. To which I reply: even a stopped clock is right twice a day. If a smooth operator like Diane Abbott can be simultaneously dedicated to the anti-EU Corbyn and have nothing but contempt for the racist idiots who voted Leave then anyone can.

If that means sharing platforms with traitors like Chuka Umunna and Owen Smith – because at least they’re right about one thing – then so be it. They’re still gonna be hanging from a lamp-post outside Number Ten by summer’s end but if they co-operate we might recognise their efforts and string them up at the sunny end of Downing Street.

Because what the people who ask these pointless questions fail to grasp is that while Corbynites and Blairites have many key differences – the main one being that we’re awesome and they’re dicks – what unites us is the shared contempt for the masses that runs through modern Labour like a stick of ethically correct sugar-free rock. As well as a healthy disregard for outdated ideas like democracy, free speech, and universal human rights. And it’s Labour’s gradual abandonment of these key principles – to go with the long overdue dropping of the pretence that we represent the working-class – that will see us get exactly what we deserve on June 8th.

Because make no mistake, despite our differences – and their dickishness – the militant left and the Blairite centre remain the deluded glue holding this great party together; no mean feat when you consider both factions are predominantly made up of people who’ve done precious little ‘labour’ in their lives. And this glue has never been more necessary than in these brittle times, with Corbyn and progressive values under attack from the right-wing establishment.

Which is why we need to be on guard. Because despite a Labour government looking increasingly likely, we mustn’t underestimate the power of the Murdoch machine to try and defeat us by banging on about popularity or smearing the Dear Leader as a terrorist sympathiser by quoting his own words sympathising with terrorists.

They’ll fail, of course, because the support Labour have nationwide is too vast to be crushed by the fact that Corbyn has spent his career defending antisemites. From the hordes of brave 48%-ers regularly marching through the capital to the army of fresh Labour members mobilised by Jezza there is more than enough strength in numbers to surpass the nine million intelligent non-racists who voted for Ed Miliband in 2015*.

(*Figures courtesy of @AngelaRayner, @Hackney Abbott and @RLong_Bailey.)

But just in case the unthinkable happens and the working-class once again reject a party that has nothing but contempt for them, it pays to have a ready-made list of excuses handy for the aftermath. Because we all know that should Theresa Maypole win you won’t be able to log onto Facebook without hearing Tory dullards floating the ridiculous idea that a decade of Blair and Brown’s champagne socialism and suicidal economics followed by a seven year dog-end of deeply unpopular opposition might just have inspired more people to vote Tory.

Luckily, after the 2015 election, Brexit and Trump, the modern left are old hands at blaming everyone but ourselves for the fact that we keep losing. But just in case you need a refresher, here are the only five excuses you will ever need. Of course, this is all immaterial as the chances of the Dear Leader losing are so slim I don’t even need to vote for him. In fact, were it not for the intense arousal I’m anticipating the second I put a cross in that box I’d happily spend June 8th chillaxing with a Michael Moorehouse triple-bill.

But it pays to be prepared and thankfully when Corbyn becomes PM these excuses can be re-used to explain why terrorism has increased, unemployment is through the roof, the businesses that haven’t fled the country have folded, and those of us yet to starve or freeze to death spend our days shivering in mile long queues for black coffee and rotting cheese. With the exciting prospect of this Venezuela-style socialist utopia it’s a mystery anyone votes Tory at all. Which brings me to excuse number one:

1. Stupidity.

Should the British people reject both Jezza’s principled socialism and the middle-class movement to stop Brexit much will be written about the role played by the chaotic ineptness of the opposition. Don’t believe a word of it. Because who but the most educationally subnormal bin-man would fail to be bowled over by the likes of Emily Thornbirds, a brave woman willing to ruffle feathers by sending her kids to private school while telling everyone else they shouldn’t?

How thick would someone have to be to ignore the efforts of principled heavyweights such as Peter Mendelson to sway Leave voters by telling them how uninformed they are?

What kind of idiot wouldn’t want a Prime Minister who thinks a bearded Cuban dictator who murdered thousands of opponents and lived like royalty while his citizens starved was ‘a champion of social justice’?

Like the EU referendum, the US election and the Eurovision Song Contest, stupidity is the perfect explanation when results don’t go our way. Because the idea that outside of the Twitter/Islington bubble there are millions who reject virtually everything modern Labour stand for is to be ignored, discouraged and shut down at all costs.

As for convincing 17 million Leave-voters to support a party dominated by Blairites who want to stop Brexit and Marxists who don’t care either way…well, have you ever spoke to these people? If you can get past the bad skin and broken teeth good luck understanding a sodding word they say.

No, the working-class long ago ceased being useful to Labour. And luckily, the surge in new members will be more than enough to get over the line without having to do anything silly like engaging with people who think differently to us and shop at Liddle. Far easier to carry on telling people how stupid they are. And if that fails there’s always option number two:

2. Racism.

As the over-the-top coverage of Corbyn’s defence and support for Islamists shows, a dislike of brown people has played a huge part in the anti-Corbyn crusade. Indeed, if by some miracle the Tories cheat their way to victory you can bet your bottom dollar the genetic white supremacy of the British public will have had something to do with it.

Happily, should the Tories win we can simply re-hash our old Brexit/Trump excuses and label millions of people we’ve never met bigots. A cursory glance at Twitter shows these excuses still carry a lot of internet currency, presumably because both offer a safe space for civil servants and performance artists to feel superior to strangers.

Because one of the proudest examples of left-wing cognitive dissonance is the way we spend all our spare time telling everyone what a foul, racist, hate-crime ravaged wasteland the UK is yet we are shell-shocked when people who live in this foul, racist hate-crime-ravaged wasteland vote differently to us. The fact that Britain is one of the most tolerant, liberal democracies on the planet is besides the point.

As is the fact that if the British public really were as bigoted as Pauline Toynbee says the BNP would have been in power for decades. Because as all good regressives know, narrative trumps facts. So if Bernie Saunders can sanctimoniously condemn billionaires for buying yachts and cars while he owns three houses there’s no reason why we can’t brand the British public prejudiced pricks then wonder why they don’t vote for us. Because much like Bernie seems to think all white people are privileged because he lives in a world where everyone is white and privileged, so we assume the invented values of our narrow universe are of paramount importance in the real world. The same real world that is also a vile racist wasteland. Which is why spend as little time in it as possible.

And we all know whose fault that is:

3. The Media

In particular the Murdoch empire and their two-year campaign to smear Corbyn by repeating stuff he’s said and done while doctoring YouTube videos to give the impression he’s shook hands with more extremists than the doorman at Finsbury Park Mosque.

Try as they might they still fail to land a glove on him. So poor are their efforts, in fact, that we’ve spent the last two years whining about how disgracefully they’ve persecuted him and how no other opposition leader has ever had to put up with abuse from the press. Luckily, most of Jezza’s youthful die-hards have never heard of Neal Kinnock or William Vague which allows them to maintain the narrative of poor little Jeremy, the plucky socialist who could (if only The Scum would stop picking on him). And we will continue to uphold that narrative should the unthinkable happen and Theresa Gay becomes Prime Minister. Something which will probably bring tears of joy to this set of bastards:

4. The PLP

For plotting against the Dear Leader and attempting to oust him. For refusing to show loyalty to a man who’s spent his career defying his own party. And for creating the toxic atmosphere which forced Corbyn to end every PMQs or TV interview looking like he was struggling to hold in a particularly wet fart.

Much like the media, the PLP have been a perfect target for blame since the man of principle revolutionised the party. And much like the media they will also carry on getting it with both barrels should disaster or conspiracy strike and the Tories win. Because rest assured, if that happens the plotters’ insidious influence will be all over it: lest we forget, their influence is so insidious they managed to make an utter bollock of removing the most unpopular Labour leader in history by putting forward a democracy-averse four-eyed Welsh virgin even more deluded about terrorism than St Jezza.

Proving that for all the likes of Owen Smith have done sterling work in trying to overturn the referendum, it’s still clear whose side they’re really on. A stopped clock may indeed be right twice a day but it’s still fucked for the other 1,438 minutes.

And speaking of insidious influences:

5. Zionism.

Obviously.

So there you have it. Make sure you keep a couple of back-ups in your pocket in case of emergency – Donald Trump, climate change, that old wife who Gordon Brown called a bigot – and you’re good to go. But whatever you do, remember this: under no circumstances blame Jeremy Corbyn. For anything. Ever.

Because there’s no excuse for that, comrade.