Your Pretty Race Is Going To Hell


L’Oreal’s annual AGM, yesterday.


By Ben Pensant

All white people are racist. That’s a fact. There’s been surveys and everything. It’s settled, like climate change, post-Brexit hate crime and Jeremy Corbyn’s knack for turning water into wine. (Unless he’s hanging with his boys Raed and Ibrahim, in which case he just turns it into Um Bongo.)

And yes, I include myself. As a child I laughed at Jim Davidson’s slow-witted West Indian ‘Chalky’. In my teenage years I used racist terms when rapping along to Chuck T and N-Words With Attitude. And don’t get me started on the stuff I’ve pulled as an adult, like eating Indian takeaways and having a Hawaiian Hula doll on my mantlepiece.

Luckily, confession is good for the regressive soul. And for a white liberal, admitting your racism is the coolest badge of honour around. Unfortunately, only the very best – Corbynites, Guardian journalists, Gender Studies graduates – are willing to wear it. Because only the very best have the intelligence to willingly debase ourselves for the benefit of Liberal Arts professors and pro-segregation street movements.

See, the inherent racism of whitey runs a lot deeper than grass skirts and cockney comedians. It’s structural, it’s systemic, it’s any other adjective you need to convince yourself that the white tramp who shuffles around Haymarket bus station arguing with wasps is remotely privileged.

Because if he stopped eating that pigeon’s foot for five minutes and studied social science he’d realise nothing is more liberating than being told how racist you are. I remind myself how racist I am every morning and I’m one of the clever ones who isn’t. As is repeatedly pointed out by people with considerably more privilege than me, just because there are a few good apples doesn’t mean there isn’t something wrong with the whole barrel.

All of which should be blatantly obvious. Yet last week a jaw-dropping chain of events culminated in the bizarre sight of white people arguing that they AREN’T all racist. And if that wasn’t heinous enough, some were even accusing people from ethnic minorities of being the racist ones. Madness.

The fault lay with L’Oreal, the billion-dollar cosmetics company who decided that oppressing women by forcing them to buy moisturiser wasn’t patriarchal enough so went one better by firing model Munroe Bergdorf for writing something mean on Facebook. You thought the only people sacked for speaking were Islamophobic Blairites, Daily Mail columnists, and whoever’s head Owen Jones is calling for this week? Think again.

And the ‘offensive’ comments which lost Munroe her job? She said all white people are racist. Hold the front page. Next they’ll be sacking people for saying all Tories are evil. Because in 2017 a black model discussing ‘…the racial violence of white people. Yes, ALL white people’ must remain silent unless they fancy being held to the same standard as Katie Hopkins and punished for speaking the truth.

And I don’t mean the type of truth espoused by Sarah Champion; ugly, inconvenient, dangerous truth that will only provoke marginalised Muslims into raping even more children. No, I’m talking about good truth, the kind bought into by the tiny but vital section of the human race who get their entire world-view from CNN and The Huffington Post.

Other points in Munroe’s post that so upset white supremacists included the observation that white people’s ‘entire existence is drenched in racism, from micro-aggressions to terrorism’; the belief that ‘racism isn’t learnt, it’s inherited and passed down through privilege’; the ominous ultimatum: ‘Once white people admit their race is the most violent, oppressive force on earth, then we can talk’.

Understandably she neglected to reveal the methodology she used to reach such empirical conclusions about 1.3 billion people she’s never met. Instead she repeated the standard racism-mantra you’d expect from a self-proclaimed  ‘activist’ and socialite who went to an all-boys school, had a ‘solidly middle-class upbringing’ and a ‘super successful’ mother who was head of PR for a financial company. And here’s me thinking Richard Pryor had a tough childhood.

But Munroe is just the latest in a long line of progressives who refuse to let their affluent backgrounds stop them telling poor people how much they benefit from racism. Indeed, it’s deliciously ironic that those who constantly talk about white privilege tend to have much more privilege than any white person I know.

Predictably, L’Oreal dispensed with Munroe’s services on the grounds that her words were ‘racist’, blissfully unaware that blacks are incapable of racism because of power and prejudice or something. This will be of comfort to the disabled white teenager from Chicago who was gagged, beaten and scalped by four black youths in January. But anyone who seriously thinks forcing a young man to drink from a toilet bowl while shouting ‘fuck white people’ is even remotely racist needs help. Newsflash: being kidnapped and tortured by someone doesn’t mean they have more power than you. You could ask Ross Parker and Kriss Donald if they hadn’t been kicked, stabbed and burnt to death by Asian men for being white. As Munroe put it: ‘All white people benefit from racism’. ALL.

As ever the best commentary was found on Twitter, probably because that’s where the ‘best’ people hang. The model was showered with praise by all manner of middle-class liberals who wouldn’t know real racism if it waved its Klan hood in their face and squirted balsamic glaze on their sandals.

But it wasn’t just about white progressives – People Of Colour also stuck two fingers up at the forces that silence them to show solidarity with Munroe. As ever, she was attacked by random Uncle Toms, much to the annoyance of her cheerleaders. Because nothing upsets progressives more than black people thinking for themselves and not doing as they’re bloody well told. But one African-American DID know the score – actress Kelechi Okafor – who delighted leftists with a series of tweets blacksplaining how there was nothing wrong with what Munroe said and anyone who thinks there is must be racist. Kapeesh?

‘If you’re enraged when you hear “all white people are racist” then you’re probably racist’ she wrote, brilliantly jettisoning Martin Luther King’s maxim about judging people by character rather than skin colour. What that makes black people who are also enraged when they hear “all white people are racist” isn’t clear but as I’ve already said, they don’t count.

Kelechi then lauded Munroe for ‘speaking honestly about the white supremacism that underpins our society’, condemned L’Oreal for ‘affirming the existence and power of white supremacy’, and challenged right-wingers to ‘tell me where Munroe lied?’. Needless to say, no answer was forthcoming as Munroe had covered her back by not so much lying about millions of people she’s never met as making huge generalisations about them based entirely on their pigmentation.

She ended her multi-post conversation with herself by asserting that society would be ‘trash’ until the day that ‘black people can speak openly about the racism they’re subjected to without being fired from jobs or killed’. Wisely, she neglected to provide any evidence that black people are routinely sacked or murdered for discussing racism. And she also ignored all the black people who discuss racism every day without losing their jobs or dying. Because nothing derails a spinning narrative like facts and evidence, though it’s no surprise that since penning those tweets Kelechi has been somewhat quiet on social media. Worryingly, the last time I looked she hadn’t tweeted for three hours. Hmm. Fingers crossed she’s currently in a dole queue rather than a morgue.

But one happy consequence of this grim affair was the way like-minded souls chimed in via Twitter, putting their careers and lives on the line to support a spoilt reality star and professional victim who believes in fighting racism with racism.

Many expressed solidarity with Munroe by re-tweeting an excerpt from an infamous Muhammad Ali interview with Michael Aspel in which the boxer compared white people to rattlesnakes and dismissed the ‘good’ rattlesnakes as a tiny minority. As one brave ally described it: ‘A timeless response to “not all white people are racist”. When the system is rotten, seeking solace in a few good apples is no solution’. Hear hear. Because as demonstrated by Munroe and Kelechi, the best way to learn about racism is by listening to a racist.

And not just any old racist but a beloved racist who won hearts and minds 40 years ago by joining the Nation Of Islam and promoting segregation, long before Black Lives Matter adapted his teachings and ditched the poetry for rousing anthems about murdering policeman. Even Channel 5 superstar Yasmin Alibhai-Brown re-tweeted the video and ‘timeless response’ comment, despite the fact that if someone referred to decent Muslims as ‘a few good apples’ she’d accuse them of racism before you could say ‘Osama Bin Laden deserves an Islamic burial’

Because like Ali, Yasmin exemplifies how racists are the best people to lecture the rest of us on racism. Because any idiot knows there is good and bad racism and Yasmin has a proud history of the former, almost as proud as prominent good racists David Lammy and Diane Abbott. From pondering on national television how great it would be if ‘white middle-class men just went away’ to boasting how she dislikes white people and wants them ‘to be a lost species in 100 years’, Yasmin has spent years fighting bad racism with good.

Indeed, her seminal 2009 column ‘Spare me the tears for the white working-class’ expanded her hatred to include people poorer than her, just in case any of her white middle-class media colleagues thought she meant them. Using her extensive knowledge of millions of people she neither knows nor understands, she castigated white working-class people as ‘stupid’, ‘vicious’ and ‘always wretched and complaining’, no faint praise from a stupid women who spends every wretched Wright Stuff appearance viciously complaining. Which explains why she loves to educate and patronise her Twitter followers by re-tweeting a racist anti-racist who disapproved of inter-racial relationships and believed white people were a race of devils invented by a mad scientist called Yakub.

Sadly, Yasmin aside, us modern leftists simply aren’t very good blowing our own trumpets. Our natural modesty and aversion to the limelight means we’re loathe to celebrate the frankly awesome things the left have given the world, such as the NHS, political correctness and gulags.

Compare this to the right, who never shut up about how great Brexit, capitalism and white supremacy are. Well, no more. Because the time has come to start shouting our successes from the rooftops. And there’s never been a better time than now, with the rise of Nazis, white nationalists and people who are neither but keep saying stuff we disagree with. Because despite the insidious cancer of the far-right growing more malignant every day, the truth is if it wasn’t for left there’d be…even more fascists.

Allow me to explain. In years gone by politically active people with a penchant for intolerance gravitated to the far-right: a natural fit, with its dark history of fascism and genocide. In other words a magnet for genetically perfect alpha males whose hatred of blacks, Jews and liberals is matched only by their love for home-cooking, animal porn and dancing around their basement in their mam’s knickers.

Nowadays, however, an exciting new development is happening as naturally unpleasant folk are flocking…to the left. And I don’t just mean the far-left: from staunch Remainers to Kool-Aid Corbynites and sabre-rattling MPs to celebrity crybabies, mainstream progressive circles are awash with hip young bigots who thirty years ago would have been shaving their heads and beating up Pakistani shop-keepers. And if there’s the occasional overlap – see how Naz Sha combines principled liberalism with far-right conspiracy nonsense – then even better. We need strength in numbers to eradicate white privilege and its evil twin, Western fascism. As the saying goes: ‘FOUR LEGS GOOD. TWO LEGS AND A GANG OF CUNTS IN SKI-MASKS BETTER’

So take a leaf out of Munroe Bergedorfs book, put that intolerance to good use and sign up to the #resistance today.

Because you’re worth it. Unless you’re white, in which case you’re not. You’re a racist.

Black And White And Bled All Over

Stop Funding Hate’s bank holiday parade was a heated affair


By Ben Pensant

There’s little good news in this apocalyptic Britain we have the nerve to call ‘Great’. Hate-crimes that aren’t hate-crimes are through the roof. Gangs of Muslim rapists are smeared as ‘Muslim Rape Gangs’. And three months since winning the election Jeremy Corbyn still hasn’t evicted a certain kitten-heeled squatter from Number Ten. He should just send some Absolute Boys round to requisition the bastard if you ask me.

But despite the ghastliness, every now and then a heart-warming example of human endeavour allows you to fleetingly forget the horror. And my day was brightened by one such example last week when I read about the brave Dutchman who took on a supermarket chain over their micro-aggressive positioning of hate-filled newspapers where customers can see them.

‘Dear @waitrose, could you put the hate on less prominent display? It is making me feel most unwelcome in your shop. Please #StopFundingHate’. With one Tweet concerned citizen Sjoerd Levelt delighted everyone fed up with seeing points of view we disagree with every time we pop into Waitrose for an ethically correct snack that tastes like a pigeon loft. Because we’re not just talking about words here: we’re talking about dangerous weapons that assault, mutilate and kill.

‘I felt too intimidated by the display to say anything in store’ Sjoerd continued, echoing the familiar horror of trying to find out how many food miles were used to fly our lychees to Jesmond while being menaced by a knife-wielding pile of pulp-wood. But in a disgraceful act of cowardice Sjoerd was blocked by Waitrose. Our hero wasn’t giving up that easily though and swiftly sent an email to the managing director. When that failed our hero played the valued customer card, informing the manager it was his responsibility to deal with Sjeord’s comically low tolerance for offence:

‘I ask if you will do something about it’ he pleaded. Because when someone is offended it’s everyone else’s duty to rectify it and make them feel better. See, feelings are the modern left’s sourdough bread and organic butter. And if protecting those feelings means massaging our egos by demanding other people deal with our offence then even better.

Sure, there are things Sjeord could have done to alleviate the problem, such as buying a different paper, shopping somewhere else or growing the fuck up. But who would that help? The hate-sheets would still be there for gullible fools to absorb and catch racism from, itching to draw blood like razor-toothed paper tigers. Because simply not reading publications we don’t like is no longer enough: we have to stop everyone else reading them too.

Predictably, Sjeord was abused online, with brainless insults such as ‘fascist!’, ‘spoilt child’ and ‘I hope they send you back a drawing of a penis’. Someone even suggested he should stick to shopping in Toys R Us, though I dread to think how threatened he would feel surrounded by far-right terrorists like Megatron.

But Sjeord had the last laugh when the Waitrose in question suddenly started folding Mails in half to obscure the bloodlust of the headlines, shutting up the trolls who had inundated him with hate for three days. As an ally pointed out: ‘It’s easy to mock when you’re not the one being targeted’. Indeed – when you’re the feeble pathetic victim it’s no laughing matter, and you don’t get much more feeble and pathetic than the immigrants of Britain. If the violence of the Mail terrifies me I dread to think what effect it has on people who can’t even wipe their arses without the help of a social worker.

Not that I’ve ever asked any of them. You go around finding out what immigrants actually think and you run the risk of learning that most of them don’t feel threatened by right-wing newspapers and one or two even – shock, horror – read them. Because the last thing we need is immigrants, Muslims or anyone else we’ve bestowed victimhood upon derailing the narrative by having their own minds. It’s no use to us if minorities start acting like adults who are capable of being in the same room as a copy of The Mail without suffering blunt wound trauma and have far more pressing concerns than an Express headline about child refugees with beards.

Because diversity of skin-colour, nationality and religion is to be encouraged; diversity of opinion is categorically not. And it’s not even the papers that worry us: it’s the baying mobs who read them, whipped into a fury by lies and puns, attacking minorities on buses because Kelvin Mackenzie told them to.

Thankfully, decency prevailed and Sjeord became the newest member of a growing movement who’ve had their ruddy fill of free speech. And in an equally joyous story last month, brave Labour councillors Bernie Attridge and Kevin Hughes were inducted too after forwarding a motion to ban anyone from bringing The Sun onto Flintshire council premises.

The move was a show of support for the ‘Total Eclipse Of The Sun’ campaign, which sets out to avenge the victims of the Hillsborough disaster and The Sun’s lies by politely pressuring newsagents into not selling it. Because nothing signifies solidarity with the working-class more than taking away their right to sell or read whatever they want. How forbidding adults from bringing a newspaper into a building will achieve justice for 96 football fans blamed for causing their own deaths isn’t clear, but the joy of modern-day progressive activism is that it doesn’t have to achieve anything.

To be seen to stand against the hate-sheets is all that matters to rack up the virtue credits, even if the only targets hit are autonomous grown-ups and their right to take whatever newspaper they like to work. That the subjects of their wrath – Sun staffers from 28 years ago, virtually all of whom have now left, retired, or gone to hell – will escape entirely unscathed is irrelevant. Stories like this give us hope. Who cares if all they achieve is making quasi-Stalinist Welshmen feel good about themselves?

Because we must embrace good news where we can, especially if it hurts the right-wing press. And as the freedom to read whatever we like slowly ends, the unwashed are gradually accepting it isn’t merely the content of The Sun that is offensive but its very existence; merely knowing someone, somewhere is reading it is practically an act of head-splitting violence.

Luckily, recent history is awash with modern liberals throwing their values under the bus to silence ideas they don’t like. The Stop Funding Hate campaign has grown in stature, its modus operandi – political censorship via corporate blackmail – delighting the same progressives who condemn Donald Trump for attacking press freedom. The difference being that President Pussy-Grab goes after the good left-wing media, while SFH focus exclusively on the bad right-wing variety.

A simple truth lost on alt-right trolls judging by the insidious smear that SFH are censorious children terrified at the thought of people reading newspapers they don’t like. And not normal people but Tory and working-class people, the two groups in society most likely be inspired by a Richard Littlejohn column to petrol bomb a mosque or write some nasty words on the internet.

Of course, SFH have pointed out repeatedly that their aim is NOT to censor newspapers. They just want them to ‘do better’. And if the only way to make them ‘do better’ is by restricting what they can say then so be it. Hey, we’ve been excusing terrorism and murder for decades, you think we’re gonna lose any sleep over a bit of censorship? As the SFH slogan says ‘Don’t hate the media: change the media’. That their method of bringing about change – cutting off advertising revenue so newspapers are forced to stop speaking freely – is practically the dictionary definition of back-door censorship is irrelevant. It’s the destination that matters, not the liberal values that must be jettisoned to get there.

As SFH head honcho Richard Wilson put it: ‘It’s going to keep happening until the financial balance changes and we get to the point where they don’t make money by publishing these headlines, they lose money because advertisers walk away.’ That he plans to achieve this by blackmailing them to purse their lips is straight out of the Trump playbook. Indeed, it’s unfortunate The Donald opted to destroy the Republicans rather than the Democrats; he could have been a great asset for the left if only he’d hated Jews instead of Muslims.

Which brings us to Owen Jones, who knows all about Jew-hate having spent the last two years fighting anti-Semitism by pretending it doesn’t exist. He’s been on sparkling form recently, demanding one person a week be sacked and formulating increasingly hysterical plans to stop the Tory press saying stuff he doesn’t like. While the obvious tactic for a national newspaper columnist would be to use his free speech to counter theirs, Owen prefers to get his point across via people power.

As he put it last month when publicising the umpteenth petition to get something done about the frightful language used by the gutter press: ‘The Sun is not going to get away with using Nazi-like language about Muslims!’. No doubt when word of an angry letter plus a petition containing less than 200 signatures reached Murdoch Towers they were shitting bricks.

According to the Independent ‘more than 100 MPs’ demanded action over Trevor Kavanagh’s column and its use of ‘Nazi-like language’ about British Muslims. Luckily neither Owen nor the Indy seemed to have read the piece otherwise they’d have known it wasn’t actually about all British Muslims – just the ones who rape children. Their issue was with Kavanagh’s use of the phrase ‘the Muslim problem’ when discussing the problem of Muslim rapists. Because god forbid anyone points out that myriad identical cases up and down the country involving Muslim men raping children could ever be considered problematic.

But this is just one of many recent examples where moral judgements were passed down on wicked right-wing newspapers by people who don’t read them. Who could forget author and former A&R ponce John Niven buying up a newsagent’s entire stocks of The Sun and The Mail on election day and setting fire to them? Great stuff. Because nothing sticks it to Murdoch and Dacre more than handing over money for a huge pile of their products. And John went on to demonstrate his affinity for the working man by spending the rest of the day playing golf. Go, comrade!

He was roundly applauded and even inspired a mini trend, with plucky citizens from Islington to Camden taking Niven’s cue by buying up right-wing rags and throwing them in the Thames. Needless to say these armchair anarchists maintained that actively stopping people from accessing points of view by destroying them was NOT censorship. Despite the fact that the most notorious censors in history have all actively stopped people accessing points of view by destroying them.

Luckily for Niven, there’s little chance of anyone adopting similar methods to erase his novels. This is partly due to the fact that as a proud champagne Corbynite he’s resolutely on the same side as people who enjoy critiquing literature by setting fire to it. But mainly because you’d struggle to find enough copies of his work in print to keep a family of starving mice warm. Still, it was a joy to see John join the likes of Owen, Graham Linehan, Jack Monroe and Lena Dunham in that illustrious group of principled progressives who are happy to combine writing for a living with supporting censorship.

And we can now add Flintshire council and The Waitrose Warrior to that star-studded list of brave liberals battling bigotry with a smile, a wave and a spot of light-hearted book-burning. Of course, SFH et al utterly fail to apply the same standards to the likes of The Guardian – which has printed numerous columns supporting Islamism – and The New European – whose very first front cover featured a cartoon dog calling 17 million people ‘idiots’. Because any fool knows there is good and bad hate. And the hate practiced by extremist Muslims or middle-class Remainers is resolutely ‘good’. Luckily, despite the horror of modern Britain, one thing we can be proud of is that you’ve got more chance of finding an honest Tory than coming across a funeral pyre made out of books by Tariq Ramadan or Ian Dunt.

Needless to say, Waitrose don’t stock either. I wonder why?

(Photo: Jack Lindsay)


Top Ten Offensive Statues That Need To Come Down NOW!


Antifa were unimpressed with The Arthur Mullard Memorial Park, Islington


By Ben Pensant

Is there anything the far left love more than doctoring history? From the holocaust and The Great Purge to 9/11 and the 2017 general election, give us a documented event that messes with our narrative and we’ll move hell or high water to pretend it didn’t happen that way. And if hell or high water refuse to budge we’ll take a metal pole to them until they fucking do.

But brave US leftists have recently taken this one step further – erasing history entirely by destroying statues of dodgy historical figures before they come to life and start attacking minorities like that skeleton out of Clash Of The Argonauts. And it’s not over yet, with exciting plans to topple more inanimate objects nationwide that regularly threaten the 1% of Americans too feeble to accept that people from the olden days weren’t quite as liberal as the average Guardian contributor. (Unless that Guardian contributor is Tariq Ramadan or Seumas Milne, in which case the slave-owners and confederate soldiers just about shade it.)

Luckily, Britain has more foul monuments than you could shake a bloodstained bike-lock at. And I’m not just talking about the Tories and war criminals dotted around Westminster. They’re vile, sure, but when Jezza eventually takes power they’ll be taken down quicker than Jess Phillips. No, this entire godforsaken country is littered with problematic statues every bit as triggering as an Abraham Washington or a General Custard.

Hence this handy list of the very worst in Britain and Europe, which will hopefully inspire my army of 13 readers to hysterically assault lumps of broken marble as if they were the zombified body parts of Hitler and Donald Trump. And as you’ll see, my investigation unearthed some stateside abominations that have thus far slipped the Antifa net. But first:

10. Bryan Robson


Since his death the World Cup Winner and former Tynecastle striker has been fondly remembered as a kind of cuddly fairy godfather. Don’t believe a word of it. Because despite getting into hot water in the ’80s when he insulted stupid people everywhere by calling Geordie superstar Gazza Lineker ‘daft as a brush’, Robson never learnt a thing. Not only did he go on to deprive a foreigner of work by taking the Real Milan job, it has also been revealed that whilst Penguins manager he regularly got Franz Ba and Romelu Lua Lua mixed up.

That a stone tribute to this animal stands on Barret Road terrorising people to this very day is a stain upon the north-west. TEAR IT DOWN.


9. Eric Barker

Eric_Morecambe_-_geograph_org_uk_-_737011For decades he brought joy to millions as one half of the double-act behind ITV hit Cannon & Barker. However, these idiots were blissfully unaware of his dark secret. For not only was Barker a closet Tory, he also has a first name which is uncomfortably evocative of Erik Von Kopperberg, a Nazi I think I once read about.

That the seaside community of Margate saw fit to vandalise their promenade with a statue of this rotten hooligan should shame everyone stuck in the last century who still thinks it’s perfectly okay to vote Conservative or share your name with an imaginary fascist. TEAR IT DOWN.

8. Len Dodd


Another comedian, another Tory. What is it with these ‘funnymen’ and their pig-headed belief that they can vote for whoever they like? As well as being a serial tax-avoider and wielder of sexually aggressive cleaning tools, what is less known about Dodd is his shameful former career as a slave-trader, spending years forcing retarded adults to toil for a pittance at the Knotty Gash workhouse in Manchester.

Few left the concentration camp known as the ‘Chip Butty Mine’ alive but I’m sure those who did are delighted to walk past the buck-toothed brute who imprisoned and exploited them every time they drag their bruised bodies across the city’s Lime Road station. TEAR IT DOWN.

7. Alan Shola

Screen-Shot-2016-09-12-at-16_11_56He’s doing a Hitler salute for fuck’s sake. TEAR IT DOWN.








6. Frank Sideparting

Frank_Sidebottom_statue_Timperley_Manchester_There are few things that rile the modern left more than minorities not doing as they’re bloody well told. And nothing encapsulates this ungratefulness better than a man born with a papier-mâché head swanning around the world, forging a successful career and at no point pleading victimhood. Sideparting was handed the keys to the top table and blew it. And the fact that he did so while currying favour with the establishment by publicly humiliating miniature Franks suffering from the same papier-mâché head affliction is horrendous.

I hope you enjoyed your time in the Big House, Sideparting. It must be great for the papier-mâché head people of Liverpool to be assaulted by your self-hating features every time they stroll down Tipperary High Street. TEAR IT DOWN.

5. Mannequin Piss.

Manneken_Pis_BrusselYou’d think Brussels would be the last place you’d find sexually aggressive statues of misogynist five-year-olds slashing in women’s faces but what can I say: welcome to 2017. That the home of the EU – the birthplace of tolerance – is no longer immune to such patriarchal mind-violence speaks volumes about the sickness infecting the West. The sooner someone strikes a blow for decency and pulls this boy’s brass cock and balls off with their teeth the better. TEAR IT DOWN.

4. Jerry Moss

Siren_Marc_Quinn_from_the_British_MuseumAs if forging a career out of objectifying herself and shagging dead rock stars wasn’t vile enough, former Miss World Moss had to aim even lower and offend dogs and contortionists everywhere by appropriating their natural ability to sniff their own arses. That her deeply triggering statue was then paraded around the world for rich perverts to drool over is sickening: rumour has it a certain orange-tinged pussy-grabber had a replica made just so he could fashion bath-taps from her fanny-bone. Meanwhile the RSPCA has to deal with the unglamorous reality of canines sniffing their own arses everyday. And the number of circus performers driven to suicide by the lack of opportunities for non-super models to utilise their auto-arse-sniffing talents is through the roof. Not that any of that bothers Moss. No, all she cared about was getting her tongue close enough to fish out that ounce of skag Tommy Docherty left up her fadge in 2004. Scum. TEAR IT DOWN.

3. Rupert Bear


Kings’ Cross, 1955:

‘Come on, Julie’ said Mr Bowen. ‘Let’s have a good laugh at that immigrant in the silly hat and duffel coat. He’s from Jellystone Park, you know? What’s that? He’s got shit all over his fur? Well, he would wouldn’t he. He’s an immigrant!’

‘Daddy’ asked Joey. ‘Wouldn’t it be great if 50 years from now they erected a statue of him in this station so everyone can do what they always do to immigrants and point and laugh at him?’. Daddy laughed: ‘You’re not wrong, son. What’s that, Julie? Why isn’t he wearing any trousers? Because he’s an immigrant! Yes, you’re quite right, it would’ve been less humiliating to just shoot him on page one. Never mind. Come on, kids – let’s throw some nettles at his bell-end’.


2. Prince

maxresdefaultAs if insulting African-Americans by eulogising a man who turned himself white wasn’t macro-aggressive enough, depraved LA artist Dean Koons sunk even lower and offended the entire animal kingdom by adding The Purple King Of Pop’s pet monkey-thing, Pebbles. That this gruesome pair then toured the world for the amusement of privileged Caucasians while blacks worldwide were left to rot is a stain on humanity. And don’t get me started on the monkey-thing population who barely know how to tie their shoelaces never mind wear gold trousers or shoot people.

‘I don’t care if you’re ebony or ivory’ sang Prince on his 1982 smash Hello. Well, thankfully some of us DO care, mate, though it was nice of you to clarify which group you identify with. Rest assured, if this abhorrent monument to toxic whiteness and animal cruelty ever rocks up in Britain it’ll be smashed to fucking dust quicker than you could down a pint of Jesus Juice at Nevermind Ranch. TEAR IT DOWN.

1. Soda


Brando Calrissian aside, the Star Trek universe is a filthy hotbed of white privilege, and no amount of Asian aliens or queer robots will change that. However, the most heinous Uncle Tom has been hiding in plain sight throughout the whole saga in the form of pint-sized Jihadi knight Lord Soda. Not content with repeatedly trying to kill Dark Vader – the only truly black character in Eternia – this brazen turncoat happily sold out his own people by straying from his lane and kissing the hoops of decidedly non-green normal-sized spacemen. And if that wasn’t problematic enough, in shitty sequel Return Of The Phantom he disregarded the feelings of disabled sci-fi fans worldwide by leaping out of his wheelchair and braying several able-bodied six-foot Klingers.

But his reign of terror still wasn’t over. As if offending the green dwarf community wasn’t unforgivable enough, Trek creator JJ Binks rubbed further salt in their wounds by erecting a statue of Soda made out of stickle-bricks at the Starbuck Ranch in Nevada. Jesus, JJ, why not just put up a Chewbaccy one too so all the dogs in the audience who can’t talk or fly magic helicopters feel even more worthless and suicidal?

Oh wait, you already have.



Grim stuff and unfortunately the mere tip of a very large iceberg. But we’re getting there and I can’t wait for every last speck of awkward history to be eradicated completely so we can start afresh from Year Jezza.

Though it’s worth remembering that not all statues of historical figures need to be pulled down, called names and spat on. On the contrary, it’s arguably now even more important that we preserve the GOOD monuments depicting the likes of Stalin, Lenin, Mao and Castro. (Or at the very least give them all a fresh lick of paint.)

As for the future, I propose that all of the statues listed above are toppled, desecrated and replaced by life-size replicas of Jeremy Corbyn. In fact, why bother with replicas at all when we can hire lookalikes dressed as the Dear Leader to stand rigid 24/7, oozing cool like geriatric Queens’ Guards on dress-down Friday? And don’t worry, in case of emergency armed Momentum sharpshooters will be positioned nearby ready to open fire if any of the clones so much as sneeze.

Also, if erected in areas with a high concentration of pigeon activity the Jezza- ringers will gain a valuable insight into the mind of their idol by knowing exactly what it’s like to be smeared. A small price to pay for the honour of representing Britain’s Greatest Prime Minister. And should the sight of an immobile, beret-clad actor covered in bird-shit prove too micro-aggressive for the snowflakes of the future, well, they know what to do…



(Photos: Intothewoods29, Mick Knapton, Alexander Kapp, Rodhullandemu, Duncan Hull, PBrundel, Paul-in-London, mattbuck, Hakon H)


Brave Antifa activists descend on Charlottesville


By Ben Pensant

I can’t be the only progressive still purring over the events in Charlotteseville two weeks ago. Sure, the violence was somewhat underwhelming: one dead, a handful injured and nowhere near enough arrests for us to frame as either a calculated assault on the peaceful left or a damning indictment of the violent right.

But the march itself is as irrelevant as the woman who was killed. No, what really mattered was the glorious aftermath; the way leftists worldwide worked tirelessly to rebrand a gang of anti-democratic street thugs as contemporary equivalents of the young men who stormed the beaches of Normandy.

It’s been a joy watching liberal media whitewash domestic terrorists who subscribe to a totalitarian ideology which killed millions simply because their enemies are domestic terrorists who subscribe to a marginally different totalitarian ideology which killed millions. As CNN put it while promoting a gushing profile Antifa ‘seek peace through violence’. I look forward to them following this up with a report on the Muslim grooming gangs who spent the last decade keeping children safe by raping them.

Inevitably, people on social media played their part, many of whom had never heard of Antifa a week earlier and still don’t have a clue what they represent but have decided they must be the good guys because they like fighting Nazis so yeah, fuck the system or something:

‘Nazis hate and want to exterminate Jews, POC, homosexuals, gypsies, the disabled. Antifa hate and want to get rid of Nazis. No comparison’ raged a middle-class vegetarian in response to the ludicrous, offensive and demonstrably true suggestion that Antifa are a terrorist group as deserving of condemnation as white supremacists. The revolutionary kale-junkie then emphasised his opponent’s wrongness with four ‘cry laughing’ emojis – a clear sign you’re debating someone who knows their shit – before repeating the same point in a series of brilliant, smug Tweets, each one more defiantly ill-informed than the last.

Then there are those who know fine well what Antifa are but deploy standard left-wing tactics – misdirection, whataboutery, sticking their fingers in their ears and shouting ‘I CAN’T HEAR YOU!’ – in the hope that the first group are too stupid to do the five minute’s worth of research required to find out what they’ve been told about these brave activists is utter horse-shit.

And let’s not forget those who know fine well what Antifa represent but couldn’t care less because they too oppose democracy, free speech and universal human rights. These far-left die-hards have so much in common with white supremacists it’s sometimes hard to tell them apart. But then you remember, for all their shared love of identity politics and beating people up, the difference is clear: Antifa are right about everything and Nazis are Nazis. And when you’re right you can beat up as many people as you like.

This mass delusion – embraced by the same people who regularly tell Brexit voters how gullible they are – was achieved in part thanks to Antifa’s clever decision to crib their name from the anti-fascist movements of the ’30. (Y’know, the ones who actually were anti-fascists rather than merely fascists.) Because one sure-fire way to convince progressives of your organisation’s wholesomeness is to give them a monicker promoting a simple, universal value that every decent person can get behind. Hence Stop The War, Unite Against Fascism, Black Lives Matter and now Anti Fascist Action have successfully blue-pilled millions into believing they are worthy, progressive movements despite the fact that in practice these names reflect their ethos about as accurately as calling Hezbollah The Peaceful Jew Lovers.

This sly branding has been so successful even mild criticism of Antifa is now viewed by the moderate left as akin to pissing on the war-graves of everyone who died fighting for freedom and tolerance. Two things that the modern versions of Antifa are fundamentally opposed to if their recent noble history of violently shutting down college talks is anything to go by.

All of which helped kick-start the widely disseminated meme that Antifa only protest white supremacicts and wouldn’t dream of assaulting anyone who isn’t a Nazi. And this narrative has been swallowed whole by the mainstream despite the freely available mountain of first hand accounts and video footage proving Antifa’s history of protesting and assaulting anyone even slightly to the right of them. But hey, nothing illustrates the tolerance of the modern left more than showing solidarity with people who hate us.

And Charlottesville was their greatest PR coup yet, with even Sajid Javid weighing in to laud those peaceful guys and gals attacking people with metal pipes: ‘Neo-Nazis: bad. Anti-Nazis: good. I learnt that as a child’. It’s not often I agree with a Tory MP though his logic is impeccable, despite the fact he seems blissfully unaware that the ‘anti-Nazis’ he’s referring to are ‘anti’ quite a lot of things Sajid holds dear and come the revolution would happily string him up from a lamp-post on Downing Street before you can say ‘Glavnoe upravlenie ispravitel’no-trudovykh lagerei’.

But far-left extremists being praised by a Conservative just shows how thoroughly the characterisation of Antifa as The Good Guys has taken root. And it shows no sign of letting up. So the fact that a large number of peaceful protesters turned up to demonstrate against the white supremacists means we can ignore all the non-peaceful ones who turned up to break their skulls with bike locks. Indeed a Guardian column written by Charlottesville attendee Emily Gorcenski did just that, skilfully failing to mention the word ‘Antifa’ once and giving the impression that the only people imvolved in the counter-protest were harmless students and anyone who says otherwise is Mussolini.

Gorcenski, of course, is the delightful progressive who a week earlier Tweeted that if she worked at Google she’d have beaten the shit out of evil sex-killer James Damore so it’s refreshing to know a liberal newspaper thinks she’s one of the peaceful ones. And as she wrote, the fact that a bunch of Nazi cowards beat up a black man in a parking garage proves they alone are capable of attacking innocent people, despite Antifa’s well-documented penchant for attacking innocent people.

But fear not, if presented with this evidence simply point out they were probably white supremacists therefore deserved it, much like the poor sod stabbed last week for having a ‘Nazi’ haircut. Because it’s not our job to fret about mistaken identity. It’s safe to say in this case – and the myriad others caught on camera – the men in question clearly incited their own assaults by virtue of being white and male. In which case we should applaud the brave leftists who selflessly keep the streets safe by targeting innocent people. You can’t be too careful.

And the fact that incidents like this frequently occur when Antifa are in town is of no concern to progressives. That anyone with eyes can easily find out they are not quite the brave warriors CNN and the BBC say has done nothing to damage their brand, because leftists’ eyes don’t work like everybody else’s. Hence the honourable urban myth that Antifa are courageous liberal knights keeping society safe from impotent cretins in crewcuts.

Because in these dark times we need all the allies we can get. As one centrist enchanted by the hip new thugs on the block put it on Twitter: ‘People criticising Antifa seem to have forgotten we literally allied with Stalin to beat the fuckers last time’. Which makes sense, provided you ignore the fact that Stalin was allied with the fuckers in the first place.

But still, it proves that the best way to defeat extremists is to enlist the help of other extremists, especially extremists whose ideology is every bit as authoritarian. Not that this bothered Twitter liberals: ‘Ally with anyone to beat the Nazis’ screeched one, though he stopped short of forming an alliance with the EDL to combat jihadists on the grounds that ‘the EDL are Nazis too’. And as for making equivalence between jihadism and Nazism: yeah right. Everyone knows that unlike white supremacy jihadism is a perfectly rational response to oppression and anyone who disagrees is a fascist. See how easy this shit is?

Point being: when we say ‘ally with anyone’ we mean ‘anyone left-wing’. Because if a group is on the left they get a free pass to be as illiberal or murderous as they like. In fact, they don’t even have to be left-wing: as long as they hate the West they can be further to the right than a Eugene Terre’Blanche lookalike contest and still get lauded by everyone from John Pilger to St Jezza.

So it stands to reason that Stalin helping to defeat the Nazis means Antifa are the good guys, despite the fact that these good guys would gladly nailbomb the people defending them if it struck a blow against capitalism or something. And this indoctrination has been a roaring success, if comments such as this one from the middle-class vegetarian I mentioned earlier are anything to go by: ‘Why are people scared of the alt-left? Media savvy militants ready to feed, house and provide meaningful employment to everyone. Sounds great’

Indeed. It’s great to know that sane liberals are so dedicated to whitewashing left-wing violence they’ve convinced themselves that thuggish extremists loot shops and shut down free speech to help out their fellow citizens. That the rag tag melting pot of communists and anarchists who make up Anifa would rather destroy society than contribute to it is irrelevant. They’re on the left so they must be good. Viva something-or-other!

As ever though, the left-wing response to Charlottesville was dictated entirely by Donald Trump. It’s amazing that someone so ridiculous manages to shape the narrative of everything from racist marches to lunar eclipses. But we need him like he needs us and we’d have a torrid time deciding what to think of an issue if we didn’t have an arrogant, ginger lunatic to guide us.

So when Trump had the temerity to condemn ‘both sides’ we had to assume he was wrong, ignore the footage proving he was right and cling to the narrative that every non-Nazi who turned up to Charlottesville was there to peacefully protest and those lovely Antifa folk are harmless boy scouts who only wear masks so the Nazis don’t doxx them and all the ones setting fire to bins and throwing flares are Zionist provocateurs and dude, did I mention the evil Nazis?

So we can’t just debate with fellow liberals who have issues with Antifa and Communism. No, we have to accuse them of being related to Hitler.

We can’t simply dispute Trump’s claim that there were ‘fine people’ at the protest. No, we have to say that the only fine people were the counter protesters, even the ones threatening journalists and hitting women with poles.

And we can’t limit our anti-fascist activities to actual Nazis. No, we have to hijack a tiny free speech rally in Boston a week later, then proudly boast how tens of thousands of us ‘shut down’ all 30-or-so attendees, approximately none of whom were Nazis.

And if several Antifa folks still get themselves arrested despite the lack of violent torch-wielding white supremacists to ‘defend’ themselves against, well, simply blame it on heavy-handed cops and their disgraceful decision to protect a handful of citizens over a 40,000+ mob. The fascist pigs.

Luckily our side is armed and ready for combat. And it’s exciting to hear people who bristle at the merest hint of direct action against jihadists who’ve murdered hundreds this year are remarkably keen on using force against a pathetic bunch of far-right virgins who’ve killed one person. Even The People’s Puritan (Owen Jones) recently viewed to ‘fight fascists’ while hanging out in a carpark drinking G&T, a stance somewhat at odds with his calm pleas for solidarity that have followed every Islamic terrorist attack since he appointment himself The Regressive Of Hearts.

And why not? They’re fascists, silly! If the last glorious fortnight has told us anything it’s that they are few groups better qualified to decide who is and isn’t a Nazi than the contemporary left. And should we continue to get it wrong and occasionally punch, kick, stab or kill people who aren’t Nazis? Don’t sweat it.

They’re white for god’s sake. They’re bound to have done something wrong.

(Photo: Alfred Dixon)



The Policeman Cometh

Sgt. Allan tackles some hate criminals


By Ben Pensant

As a died-in-the-wool regressive it’s not often I have anything good to say about the filth. When they’re not harassing the black community or choking drug-dealers to death they’re pepper-spraying peaceful protesters and arresting Corbynites for sending evil BBC reporters parcels stuffed with pig livers. (If you think snitching to the rozzers will keep you safe: think again, Cuentssberg.)

And you know we’re in trouble when even Spanish police – who you’d expect to be a cut above their British counterparts due to the fact that they’re not British – are shamelessly executing marginalised Muslims on the streets of Barcelona in broad daylight.

To be frank, until recently I was quite content for PM Corbyn to abolish the police altogether and introduce voluntary ‘community peacekeepers’, an idea floated earlier this year by socialist demigod Dan Arel which basically involved replacing experienced law enforcement officials with untrained, unpaid social workers.

Presumably this fleet of cops-who-aren’t-cops would be lead by people like Dan, brave leftists who love to talk of punching Nazis but whose arses would drop out before my grandma could say ‘aall taalk and nee troosers’ if they had to tackle and arrest one. A bold vision for a better future in other words, and one I was more than willing to embrace fully until I became aware of a magical phenomenon energising police forces nationwide.

Because something wonderful is stirring among Britain’s bizzies; an exciting new era which eschews archaic practices such as solving real crimes and catching genuine criminals in favour of tracking down people who say mean things on the internet and monitoring the tampon aisle in Tesco. And one of the branches at the forefront are Wiltshire Police – the recent stars of Channel 5’s hard-hitting fly-on-the-wall series 911 Have I Got An Emergency For You! – who have abandoned the messy business of actual police work to jump aboard the hate-crime gravy train.

Not having seen the show I can’t comment on the no-doubt heinous crimes featured, but judging by the effort and resources they’ve thrown into combatting the scourge of people saying nasty stuff on social media I’d wager the sound of South-West crimelords shitting bricks can be heard all the way from Dorset to Trowbridge.

‘You can’t hide from us if your spewing abuse from behind a computer screen. Our boys and gals in blue will find you’, they warned on Twitter, clarifying their priorities in style. Though I sincerely hope in future these priorities include a) learning the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, and b) reining in their transphobic rhetoric before some well-adjusted non-binary reads an exclusionary Tweet like the one above and hangs theyself.

Still, Wiltshire’s finest are clearly new to the whole identity politics game so we’ll let them off (for now). Their collective heart is clearly in the right place, which is more than can be said for their sense of humour judging by the brilliantly catty reply to Tory trolls who cruelly pulled them up on their poor punctuation skills:

‘We will not tolerate any abuse or discriminatory remarks made on any of our social media platforms. We are reviewing the posts and will consider any potential criminal offences which might have been committed’. Masterful. I may not be the coppers’ biggest fan but it’s impossible not to admire people who think scouring light-hearted ‘grammar police’ gags to ascertain if any laws ‘might’ been broken is a good use of resources. I look forward to a golden future in which no lolly stick is safe from the long arm of the law.

Unless that lolly stick has just turned over someone’s property in which case it will be safe as houses (no pun intended. Honest, officer). Because while Wiltshire Police’s dedication to censoring adults is second to none, they also have the worst record in the UK for solving burglaries, hitting an all time low of just one in 12 in 2014/15. That’s more like it. Because you can’t expect police officers to waste their time arresting people who break into houses when there is linguistic-based hatred being spread all over the internet. Yeah, let’s utilise our manpower sending petty thieves who destroy people’s lives to jail while trainee officers are routinely traumatised because someone on Twitter took the piss out of their spelling. Hell, why not just come around the station and cut their ears off like Tim Winstone in Straw Dogs?

Funnily enough, another constabulary near the top of the same list was Sussex PD, who have themselves made waves in PC circles after their Hate Crime Sgt. and Trans-Equality Advocate Peter Allan electrified social media with a series of bold Tweets detailing the two most pernicious crime-waves afflicting Britain today – kids calling each other names and supermarkets using phrases like ‘feminine hygiene’ to describe feminine hygiene products.

Take this grim despatch from the mean streets of Lewes: ‘6/5/17 #Transphobic #Hate #Burgess Hill – Non-crime hate incident – Name calling between children. Under investigation’. Shocking stuff. And as if it wasn’t worrying enough that police are being forced to take time out from solving real crimes to investigate non-crimes, it should deeply concern us all that children in Brexit Britain are now so full of hate they think nothing of mis-gendering middle-class kids and using vile phrases like ‘tranny’, ‘she-male’ and ‘Danny La Rue’s Uglier Sister’.

Not that that stopped an army of social media trolls abusing Allan for having the bravery to be less interested in robberies and muggings than what ten-year-olds say to each other when they’re playing Leevo. Luckily Allan batted away the attacks with ease, pointing out his concern was all about ‘education’ and re-iterating that this was a ‘non-crime’. And in these austerity-driven times it’s refreshing to know our overstretched forces are devoting valuable time and energy to investigating crimes that aren’t actually crimes.

But fear not, despite the fact that, as Allan says ‘investigations don’t always lead to prosecutions’, if reported the incidents will still be logged and recorded as hate crimes, ensuring the mythical post-Brexit spike in hate crime won’t be un-spiking any time soon. I look forward to the emergency services setting an equally good example by extinguishing fires that don’t involve any fire and rushing to the scene of car crashes in which no-one was hurt or crashed their car.

But Allan’s greatest moment came when he took to Twitter to warn Tesco and Sainsbury that their signs advertising tampons and other ‘feminine hygiene’ products breached gender equality rules. He courageously urged them to use another phrase as there were quite clearly also ‘products 4 men’ on the same shelf, suggesting ‘personal hygiene’ as a progressive way to signal respect to the 0% of the male population who bleed from their fannies.

Sadly, the trolls won the day and Sgt. Allan’s Twitter account was subsequently suspended after the hateful reaction to his insistence that men use jammy-rags too. This clearly had less to do with Allan’s common sense Tweets than it did his spineless bosses’ cowardly fear of upsetting their right-win paymasters. Unless you believe the frankly absurd idea that Allan was chased from social media because he completely destroyed his credibility as a public servant and now has about as much authority as Officer Crabtree out of Hello Hello.

Not that this minor setback will derail Allan’s dedication to tolerance, diversity and sticking his nose into non-criminal activity that has fuck all to do with him. He may have been banished by the top brass but I’ve no doubt he’s having the last laugh using his spare time to track down and arrest that old school friend who called him ‘bumface’ 30 years ago.

But despite the negative reaction from ignorant Tories and thick-as-shit Leave voters the above examples were lapped up by liberals, tapping as they do into the new left-wing censorship craze, exemplified by anti-free speech campaigns like Stop Funding Hate and all those brave souls who proudly burnt newspapers on election day so other people couldn’t read them.

It’s alarming to think that when I was a kid being on the left meant being against the likes of Mary Whitehouse and Tory MPs who wanted to ban everything from blue comedians to video nasties. Thankfully those days are gone and the left have been reclaiming censoriousness for some time now. What used to be the preserve of crusty old reactionaries has become part and parcel of being a funky young progressive, and it’s refreshing to know the police are joining the ban-party too.

Unfortunately, not every constabulary is on board with the PC revolution and I’m sad to report my local force Northumbria Police are lagging some distance behind the likes of Wiltshire and Sussex. Which is a crying shame, especially after their recent good work, when one of their officers threatened to have student Jonaya English’s place at Newcastle University revoked because she Tweeted a comment about Islam that was vile, offensive and entirely true.

Great work all round but it was sadly undone by the dark forces at Northumbria Police determined to resist the lure of identity politics. Because the shocking case of 17 harmless Muslim men from Newcastle sent to jail (by a white jury, no doubt) for having the cheek to give children with zero job prospects part-time work shows there’s still a long way to go.

See, because this part-time work involved sleeping with men for alcohol apparently that made it perfectly okay to ruin the lives of a group of marginalised Muslims based on nothing more than rumour, innuendo and cold, hard evidence. Well done, guys, at least we know we can add ‘whorephobia’ to the list of things you’re totally cool with.

Oh and well done for also ignoring the influence of the evil white woman involved who clearly egged these men on, encouraging them to sexually abuse children like a shellsuit-clad Lady Macbeth. ‘Children’ who just happen to look a lot like yo-yo knickered teenage temptresses with zero disregard for Islamic values. Hmm. And they wonder why Muslim men are left with no choice but to rape them? Jesus.

Still, we shouldn’t let Northumbria Police’s refusal to get with the times and ignore the widespread abuse of children by followers of a certain religion detract from their good work elsewhere. And the sterling effort made by PC Mohammed Khan – you didn’t think he was gonna be called Francis Fogherty, did you? – in the Jonaya English case reminds us that thankfully there are some coppers pounding the Geordie beat who know that there’s a lot more to fighting crime than simply fighting crime.

And with today’s exciting news that the CPS plan to take even greater steps to criminalise people for speaking freely on the internet, we need brave PCs like Allan and Khan on board if we’re serious about putting an end to free speech once and for all. Fingers crossed this new development and the shining example set by Wiltshire and Sussex Police sets the censorious ball rolling.

This is what you get when you mess with us.



Chap Of Honour

James Chapman and some Democrats


By Ben Pensant

There are few people more likely to boil my piss than Tories, Centrists and Daily Mail hacks. Maggie Thatcher, Alastair Campbell-end, Richard Littlecock…the damage done to society by these three hateful groups is so severe I feel like reporting myself to Sussex Police for writing their names down. So I was as surprised as anyone last week when I found myself joining the centre left in singing the praises of James Chapman, the Tory Centrist and former Daily Mail hack who electrified social media with his bold plans to form a new political party dedicated to standing up for democracy by overturning democracy.

The thing is, once I’d picked my jaw off the floor and checked my pulse it made perfect sense. Allow me to explain. As a staunch Corbynite – I own three Momentum mugs, five pairs of Jezza pyjamas and a life-size bust of Diane Abbott’s head – I have a hard time dealing with die-hard Remainers. For while I share their view that the EU is just fab, leaving it will be an utter disaster and the 17 million thick xenophobes who voted for it deserve to be disembowelled, I’m regularly appalled by their failure to understand Jezza’s clever plan to foil Brexit and overturn the referendum result by supporting Brexit and respecting the referendum result.

But I’m always happy to give credit where its due. And every now and then I’m reminded that there are passionate voices on the centre every inch as bitter, unforgiving and downright intolerant as us. I’m more than willing to – for now – be the bigger man, let bygones be bygones and bond with my enemies over our mutual contempt for people who vote differently to us. And in Chapman we may just have found a figurehead for those of us who believe in progressive values such as freedom, diversity and re-running referendums until we get the result we want.

Because despite being in line to be first against the wall when the Day Of Jeremy arrives, I have to hand it to Centrists: when it comes to Brexit – and Brexit voters – they could give The Morning Star a lesson in deploying wildly hysterical language to demean people they disagree with.

Some Remainers think it’s just the Tory right and the Corbynite left with a monopoly on bigotry and abuse but they’re being far too modest – there’s plenty of room for bigotry and abuse on the centre too; just ask anyone who’s ever read a column by Matthew Parris – who has repeatedly stated 17 million people he’s never met are racist – or a copy of The New European – whose hilarious first front cover featured a cartoon dog calling those same 17 million people ‘idiots’.

‘Someone needs to oppose the extremists holding sway to left and right’ pleaded one of Chapman’s new fans, a concern that would be understandable were it not for the growing number of extremists on the centre evening things up. Luckily enough, on Twitter this led to a multitude of good-natured debates and exchanges – which in turn led to a multitude of good-natured strops and blockings – among leftists and centrists over which faction is the most intolerant. Granted, rabid Remainers and Kool Aid Corbynites debating who’s the most intolerant is like Max Clifford and Rolf Harris arguing over who’s the biggest sex-pest but you can’t fault their passion. And trust me, you don’t get more passionate than James Chapman.

For anyone wondering who this mysterious crusader is, before Chapman joined Anna Soubry and Kenneth Clarke on the official list of Tories it’s okay for liberals to like, he was chief of staff to David Davis. He resigned in a blaze of publicity, was blue-pilled by The Guardian then went on holiday to Greece from where he’s been getting pissed and Tweeting pure gold ever since.

This pure gold has predominantly involved calling for a new political party to be formed with the sole purpose of stopping Brexit, a call greeted enthusiastically by liberals, not least because it’s far easier to keep track of the politicians who hate democracy if they’re all in one party.

As he put it himself while opening his sixth bottle of wine: ‘Past time for sensible MPs in all parties to admit Brexit is a catastrophe, come together In a new party if need be, and reverse it #euroref19’. Initial responses came from thick-as-pigshit Leave voters whose concerns Chapman effortlessly batted away by ignoring their points and focussing on their predictably poor grammar and punctuation – no mean feat considering his own Tweet above featured an erroneous capital letter.

As the Ouzo continued to flow so did Chapman’s creativity, the feisty genius coining an original and highly ironic name for this ‘revolutionary’ new party: The Democrats. ‘A new home for you is coming’ he assured his acolytes, tapping in to the destitution and loneliness felt by Remainer Britain with only BBC, ITV, Channel 4, Sky News, half of Fleet Street, most of social media and virtually every actor and comedian with a third home in Florence on their side. And with Chapman’s not-at-all cult-like ‘#Join Us #Democrats’ hashtag trending, he went on to bullishly outline the key policies that would inform his new party. Key policies which appeared to involve imprisoning opponents and censoring journalists:

‘Let’s be honest, if we had electoral law leading Brexiters would be now be in jail #wheresmy350aweekBoris’ he raged, cleverly latching on to the modern left-wing principle that people who lie or disagree with us should be thrown in jail. Understandably, he wouldn’t be drawn on whether Remain campaigners like his good friend George Osborne would follow Johnson into chokey for saying Brexit would cause a recession within months, nor did he explain how much it would cost and how many new prisons would have to be built if every politician in the land was put on trial for telling porkies.

Unsurprisingly, this got Remain Twitter’s collective knickers wetter than a Newsnight appearance by Ian Dunt, with progressives far and wide applauding a man for endorsing the internment of political opponents. But if you thought that was admirably Stalinist, check out his stark warning to Paul Staines after Guido Fawkes re-published an Instagram photo of Chapman with his arse out:

‘Apparently @guidofawkes has posted a naked picture of me. Whatever turns you on, Paul. The Democrats will close you down when we implement Leveson’ he purred, showing remarkable confidence that his made-up political party will not only one day exist but will also somehow be powerful enough to shut down websites he doesn’t like.

And in case anyone thinks threatening to censor the press is a somewhat inconsistent position for a journalist to hold, Chapman’s media supporters were on hand to assure us this wasn’t the case, with even vile Corbyn-smearer Marina Hyde applauding Chapman’s ‘bravery’. Because as anyone who’s ever chased a criminal, fought in a war or rescued a child from a burning building knows all too well, there are few things more brave than lying on a sun-lounger, downing Sambuca shots and calling people names on the internet.

Which is why Chapman has changed the face of British politics in less than a week, cementing his place in Remainer hearts as the super-hero the centre deserves. He may not wear a mask or a cape – though judging his apparent love of a good session he’s no stranger to occasionally believing he can fly – but his heroism is of an altogether more illiberal hue; you won’t read about it in comics but mark my words, his exploits will be all over the history books of the future.

As a concerned Remainer wrote on Twitter, bemoaning the lack of centrist leadership to fight the hard-Brexiters and staunch Corbynites: ‘There’s little sign of moderates influencing direction. Extremists appear in charge’. Indeed they do, though as we all know, one extreme is evil while the other is ace. But either way, the time has come for someone to man up and make the moderate case for ignoring democracy. And it appears that someone is Chapman. He may be a Tory but I can think of few better alternatives to extremism than a party led by a man who wants to silence and incarcerate opponents.

All things considered, it’s hard not to see why regressive leftists would get weak at the knees over James, especially after he followed up his decidedly-Corbynite friendly pledges on censorship and internment by admitting he’d rather see St Jezza in power than Ian Duncan Smith. Good lad. Because despite his right-wing past it’s clear that James, mindful of the shit-storm that will erupt after Jezza takes power, is cleverly pulling out the stops to feature in the Dear Leader’s plans. It won’t save him, of course – his previous employment at the Mail is reason enough to see him strung up with barbed wire on Hampstead Heath – but his endearing fondness for crushing dissent may just see his wife given a cushy job as the McDonnells’ personal handmaid. And who knows, maybe St Jezza will show some kind, gentle leniency and allow her to keep one of her children.

Until then, if he keeps impressing us and makes the Democrats a force to be reckoned with the PM may even grant Chapman and co complete freedom to overturn Brexit, freeing up Corbyn to focus on the really important stuff: nationalising the railways, borrowing billions to save the NHS and depleting the armed forces to such a degree they make the Walmington-on-sea Home Guard look like The Roman Army. Meanwhile Chapman can comfort himself with the knowledge that he gave his all for the government that killed him.

Now that’s what I call a super man.


(Photo: Olaf Gradin)





Get Out Of My Toon, Broon!

Ray ‘Fatty’ Brown, yesterday


By Ben Pensant

To say we’re living through a golden age of British comedy is the biggest understatement since evil warmonger Alastair Campbell said PM Corbyn did ‘pretty well’ deflecting Paxman’s aggressive line of questioning on The Battle For Number Ten. (Show me a more statesmanlike performance this year and I’ll show you a Blairite with a conscience, knobhead.) Everywhere you look, from BBC2 to Channel 4, genuinely funny men, women, xen and xomen are conquering the world. And their neat trick of combining edgy humour with bland identity politics has earned the sharpest minds working today a special place in progressive hearts. (At least until we find out most of them are tax avoiders or secret Tories.)

The evidence is overwhelming: Corbynmania has been heartily embraced by witty thinkers, clever polemicists and Josie Long. Have I Got 8 Out Of 10 Cats For You regularly features the safest comics around cracking impromptu gags about how stupid working-class people are. The campaign to overturn Brexit is passionately supported by everyone from a cross-dressing motor-mouth so liberal he tells jokes in foreignish to a wine-loving Oxford graduate with a penchant for leather and dungeons. All of which made even sweeter the recent news that Newcastle Theatre Royal had cancelled a performance by notorious blue ‘comedian’ Ray ‘Fatty’ Brown.

For the uninitiated, Brown has played Newcastle City Hall every year since 1939. Recently taken over by the management of the nearby Theatre Royal, the City Hall has long been regarded as the retarded nephew to the Royal’s erudite uncle. While the jewel of Grey Street recently hosted Opera North’s spellbinding revival of Der Rosenkavalier by Strauss, the City Hall currently holds the record for holding the most ever performances in a year by Ocean Colour Scene.

Hence the drive to rebrand the venue as a safe, inclusive space for middle-class people of all backgrounds rather than a threatening, lager-stained flea-pit swarming with racist degenerates watching an overweight bigot in flying goggles attacking Muslims and singing about cocks.

Theatre Royal Trust chief executive Philip Bernays – who I was shocked to learn was educated at the prestigious City Of London School – released a statement confirming that ‘after careful consideration’ Brown’s 2017 show had been pulled due to its ‘unpleasant, rude and offensive act’. This careful consideration presumably consisted of the five minutes it took to decide whether adults who’ve paid money to watch a show should be allowed to watch the show they’ve paid money for or denied the right to watch it because it upsets people who haven’t paid money to watch it and have no intention of doing so.

Thankfully the correct decision was reached. It’s just a shame the ungrateful idiots who were planning to watch Brown have no idea how close their tiny minds came to being warped by a vile man in a multi-coloured suit fond of using hateful words like ‘fanny’.

Because it’s not just Google who love to penalise people for saying stuff they don’t like: charity-funded theatre companies are joining in too, ensuring that a comedian who has played the same venue for several decades is banned because his violent language offends yoga instructors from Gosforth.

And there’s nothing more violent than what comes out of Brown’s mouth. For this animal has inexplicably stolen a career since the ’70s making the kind of horrendous ‘quips’ that would get him arrested were he to utter them in Waitrose. Don’t believe me? Check out the joke below but be warned: its aggressive content and rape-apologism are triggering in the extreme. Even after re-wording it to soften the edges its grim depiction of post-Brexit Britain is about as palatable to middle-class ears as a night at the dogs with Danny Dyer. I urge you to have 999 ready on speed dial:

One morning a young boy asks his father: ‘Dad, what’s a cunt?’. He is shocked and scolds his son but after the child persists agrees to show him. Upstairs, the man’s wife is asleep. He and his son enter the bedroom, careful not to wake her. The father quietly pulls back the duvet, revealing his wife’s naked body. ‘You see that furry triangle between her legs?’. ‘Yes, dad’ replies the boy. ‘That’s a fanny. Your mother’s a cunt’.

Evil. And disturbingly, only the tip of the iceberg. Indeed, it should worry us all that material like this is being broadcast to impressionable Leave voters and inadvertently offending innocent people tucked away in leafy Jesmond eating Kale doughnuts and encouraging their four-year old sons to cut their genitals off.

Because these are the people who matter, not those who make the autonomous choice to go and watch someone who makes them laugh. Frankly, the Theatre Royal showed remarkable restraint only banning Brown – there was ample grounds to report him to MI6 or Interflora. Because it beggars belief that in 2017 this relic is allowed to swan around in a multi-coloured suit cracking sick jokes to adult customers while flinging horrific insults at women, minorities and anyone else he perceives as inferior. The fat, speccy bastard.

Thank god modern day comics would never attach themselves to such vile ideologies. So while Brown pokes fun at Islam and terrorism – which have as much to do with each other as Labour and anti-Semitism – daring progressives like Frankie Boyle campaign for the release of Shaker Aamer, the hapless British/Saudi charity worker and former Gauntanamo detainee who famously got lost and wandered into an Afghanistan warzone in possession of a fake passport, an AK47 and an acute form of memory loss which conveniently erased the name of the charity he worked for.

Another defender of the cuddly jihadist was Sara Pascoe who cleverly combines her feminism with supporting a Labour leader who lauds regimes that force women to wear headscarves and counts Ibrahim Hewitt – a man who believes in stoning adulterous women to death – as a ‘very good friend’. She also wrote a moving piece for The Guardian last year urging people to boycott a transphobic film she’d never seen because it featured Dirk Benedict out of Young Sherlock in a dress.

Elsewhere, Stewart Lee – the thinking man’s Terry Christian – flaunts his progressive values by supporting Stop The War, the cheekily named pressure group who don’t actually want to stop wars so much as want anyone but the West to win them. Stew has been known to join giants of comedy – and Jeremy Hardy – at fundraisers for STW, who famously gushed over the brave Iraqi resistance as they demonstrated their dedication to core principles like democracy and worker’s rights by bombing polling stations and murdering trade unionists.

And who could forget the raft of stand-up stars led by Jenni Éclair who were so disgusted by fictional wideboy Dapper Laughs mentioning the word ‘rape’ they started a petition urging ITV2 to cancel his show? Their bravery is an inspiration to us all. Because as we know, censoring a fellow comedian is nowhere near as illiberal or problematic as creating a character who says dodgy stuff to women or writing a song about Dolly Parton’s tits.

But if City Hall want to fill Fatty’s slot they could do worse than book guitar-wielding funnyman Mitch Benn, the principled Remainer who recently electrified Twitter by breaking with modern comedy tradition and launching an intolerant tirade against stupid Brexit voters:

‘I have to suck up living in a shit country *for the rest of my life* because you don’t like Belgians’ he raged, highlighting the widespread anti-Benelux hatred that has scarred Britain since it became a popular destination for economic migrants from the Low Countries. The fact that Mitch doesn’t have to live anywhere and is free to leave this godforsaken country any time he likes – seriously, Mitch, we’ll get by – is irrelevant. Because in leftist-land no-one is in charge of their own destiny, not even mediocre musical comedians. And especially not thick-as-a-brick voters:

‘RE: The will of the people. When is someone in public life gonna have the guts to admit that the people got it wrong?’. Indeed, the silence on this front has been so deafening it’s easy to forget how many columnists, politicians and idiot celebrities have spent the last year screaming ‘the people got it wrong!’. Either way, a more suitable replacement for Brown’s orgy of filth you’d struggle to find. And if the Theatre Royal bussed in a few coachloads of day-tripping pensioners there’s no reason Mitch couldn’t attract a third of the sell-out crowds Fatty used to pull in.

But this whole saga has reminded me how proud I am of my hometown, despite the fact that this decision was made by people who know as much about my hometown as I do about sandals and mung-beans. Indeed, from sinister strip clubs to tacky restaurants where waitresses are forced to wear skimpy orange shorts, Newcastle has a noble history of stopping things that upset progressives. And like every censor in history, the brave art teachers and Gender Studies students protesting these establishments weren’t doing it for their own benefit; they were doing it for those poor wretches who aren’t art teachers or Gender Studies students.

Because you can’t just stay away from bars and clubs you don’t like. No, you have to stop everyone else visiting them too. Like anti-Page 3 campaigners who don’t read The Sun, these brave feminists wouldn’t be seen dead in Hooters or For Your Eyes Only but have decided what goes on behind their doors – consenting adults drinking beer, taking their clothes off and eating fried chicken – is unacceptable. And, when combined with the presence of working-class men, practically an invitation to commit rape and murder.

As for the women who allow themselves to be abused for the gratification of men, well, if they learnt to take orders from their betters we wouldn’t still be having this tiresome conversation. In a perfect world they’d stop watching Geordie Shore for five minutes, take those footballers’ cocks out of their mouths and listen to the educated feminists who preach about the objectification of women yet happily objectify strippers and models by reducing them to lobotomised pieces of meat too stupid to know they’re being exploited.

But, alas, this isn’t a perfect world, hence these bozos have been indoctrinated by the patriarchy into believing they sell their souls to photographers and Chinese businessmen because they want to. (And they say us ‘libtards’ are the deluded ones.) So there you have it: misogyny has become so normalised these women actually feel grateful every time an alpha male points a camera at their bare arse or stuffs a tenner down their knickers.

And the fact that closing strip clubs and banning Page 3 might result in people losing their jobs is irrelevant to the modern left. Owen Jones – the Millennial Mary Whitehouse – has built a career out of sticking up for worker’s rights yet spends half of his time on social media demanding people are sacked. Do you really think he and his ilk will lose any sleep over the livelihood of a barmaid who works in a club they’ll never visit? Or a model who flashes her wares in a paper they’ve never read? Or a Google employee who is blacklisted and fired for writing a memo so terrifying his colleagues were too scared to go to work? Or a roly-poly comedian who tells rude jokes they don’t get to people they despise in a city they’ll never understand?

Do me a favour. Next you’ll be telling me while Newcastle’s feminists were getting their organic knickers in a twist over strippers and waitresses there was some actual sexual exploitation going on that was being conveniently ignored.

Yeah, right.


(Photo: Barry Cheung)